Becky Sue

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It's been so long since I've checked in, I can't find any of my friends and I'm not even sure why I'm here at this point. I guess just wanted to ground myself.

5+ years out and going strong. Had a small bounce-back, about 10 pounds, but have lost about half that in the past few months. I pretty much feel like any other 'normal' person - no real food issues other than sugar and hyperglycemia which is totally manageable. Eat 'normal' sized meals (i.e. not normal for normal people,. not what I used to eat pre-WLS), mostly veggies and some protein, drink mostly water, etc.

Feel great, would do it once a year for life if I had to! For those of you still struggling, don't give up! It's totally doable and totally worth it, you just have to fight for it!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've logged on. I hardly recognize ANY posters any more and it seems like the people I remember aren't around much any more. Out living life? Moved on? Wherever you guys are (and you know who you are) I hope you're doing well.

My life, like so many other "old azzes" is pretty much unrecognizable these days. I can't believe how different I feel - younger, full of energy, confident, ready to take on the world! I'm getting remarried in 2 weeks, I'm on a huge project at work, and taking classes - I FINALLY GRADUATE THIS DECEMBER! Woohoo! There's NO WAY I would have been able to maintain this kind of schedule pre-WLS - I could hardly get out of bed!

Healthwise, I'm doing great. Maintaining around 153 plus or minus a few pounds, wearing a size 6/8 and remembering to take my vitamins (most) of the times. I eat normally, other than still staying away from sugar and too many carbs or fats at one time. I don't feel like a WLS patient anymore, just someone with 'normal' healthy eating style. 

For all of you who are reading this, wherever you are in your journey, I wish you all the luck in the world!

Well, I'm on the other side of my PS surgery - 8 days out and doing pretty well.... I had some drama in my life the day after surgery culminating in Aaron flipping out and checking himself into a hospital, sending my kids away for 5 days so I could heal, etc. etc. Aaron's out of the house now, has found an apartment, is finishing up moving, hopefully to be done this weekend and the divorce will be final in the middle of February.

As for my PS - the TT was actually a piece of cake compared to the BA. I've had some nerve problems with one breast that causes me to go from a little bit of achiness to absolute excrutiating pain in about 3 seconds flat. The pain lasts for about 20 minutes or so and then stops as suddenly as it started. It's getting less frequent and less excrutiating and the doc thinks it will resolve itself over time (thank goodness!)... I finally look like I have boobs again...lol  At first, because of how high up and hard the implants sit, I looked flatter than ever but as the muscles relax and swelling goes down, the implants settle and are looking better and better...  As for my TT, I have a little pain, but really not much, just have to be careful how I stretch my torso - the incision line, about an inch above and below is totally numb and I don't think he had to do a lot of muscle tightening because it really hasn't been that bad.

I have more to tell but I have to run. I'll check in again soon with another update.

Wow... Has it been almost a whole month since my last update? Time flies when you're in hell.... Just kidding...

Well, my PS is exactly one week from today. I'm so excited and so scared at the same time. I can't recall, specifically, but it feels like it's even more emotional than for my WLS. I know I'm a lot more scared, that's for sure...

I've been maintaining my weight again, between 147 and 150, so that's good... Today, I ate constantly, and a bunch of junk... I think my nerves got the best of me... I'm still working on the smoking thing... Sigh... I go a couple of days and then I crack... My surgeon's going to kick my butt. I don't think he's going to cancel me, he didn't say "If you don't quit, I'll cancel you." but he did give me a lot of crap (as he should)... 

Things at home are pretty hairy... Aaron and I are barely speaking. There's a lot that has happened in the past month that I'd rather not go into but suffice it to say it hasn't been pretty. He's still living here, although he's moved most of his stuff out. We spend as much time away from each other as possible. When he's out, I'm home, when he's home, I'm out. It just seems to work better that way... I'm ready for him to move out, but his apartment isn't ready for him, it's not livable yet. I can't exactly kick him out with no place to go. The PS isn't a huge factor - he still says he's going to help, but I have back-up, just in case... Mainly, we just stay out of each other's way. Otherwise, we are polite, but short with each other.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I have 2 1/2 days of work left, planning on burning the rest of my vacation Friday and Monday - have finals to take Monday since my surgery is Tuesday. Still have some Christmas shopping to do, as well as wrapping... Oh, and we've announced a RIF at work. I'm not going to be affected, I don't think, but being in HR, it's got me pretty hopping.... Right in the middle of all this other stuff... 

Have an appt with my attorney Friday to go over paperwork. We're planning on filing on our own but I still want someone to look it over. If it looks okay and Aaron signs it this weekend, I'm going to go down Monday to file.  Sigh... How did my life get here?  I'm hanging in there, though, looking forward to a fabulous future, as soon as I get to the other side of all this crap... 

Take care, I'll try to get in as soon as possible after my surgery and update on my progress.

My husband and I are divorcing...

There haven't been any fights, no cheating, nothing like that. We're still friends. We're both very, very sad... We've decided to go forward with this now while we're still friends rather than wait until we hate each other.

For the past several years, we would go though "funks". It was as if we were living like roomates. Both ratteling around the house, totally alone, regardless of the fact we lived together. After a while, it would become unbearable, we would talk, and make a concerted effort to make it better. And for a while, it would be. But I'm tired... I'm so tired of busting my ass to maintain a healthy relationship that should be easy sometimes but isn't. I wake up every morning and tell myself how happy I am, how this is working, thinking that eventually, I'll convince myself but it doesn't work. Eventually, I get tired. And then I withdraw, and then HE withdraws, and then we resent each other and then it starts again...

I was fully prepared, when I got married, to have to work at the relationship. I'm not so pollyanna that I expected it to be sweetness and light all the time. But I thought the hard work would be when times got tough, to get us through them. Well, the hard work is when things are going swimmingly and when times get tough, we can barely function because we're so exhuasted from the hard work we've already done. 

Aaron and I still love and respect each other. We want to remain friends and we still have a daughter to raise. I think we've just realized that while we've both grown and changed over the past 8 years, we haven't done a lot of that in the same general direction and we're growing apart.

I'm sure some people will pass judgement on me for this, and if that's the case, so be it. We can't keep living this way. I don't want to wake up a year from now hating and resenting him because I'm unhappy and he can't fix it, and I don't want him to feel that way about me.

Do I think WLS had something to do with this? Probably... I've changed a lot over the last 8 years, but quite a bit of that change occured in just the past 2 years since surgery. I'm not talking about appearances, I'm talking about in my heart and head. A psych. at the Lexi event pointed out that for many of us, the decision to have WLS is the first time we've focused on ourselves and often triggers huge changes for us. All I know is, I have different needs today than I did 8 years ago, and so does Aaron, and we can't fulfill them for each other and we're going to die inside if we keep trying.

The plan is to not do anything over the holidays, as we really don't want to put our families through it. In January, he'll start looking for a place to live.  If things look like they're going to get ugly before then, we'll act sooner. So far, things are just very, very sad...  I'm not angry or scared. I know I'll be fine, as will the kids. I'm worried about Aaron, truth be told, and I will do everything poosible to help him through this. My goal is, in time, to tell Livvie that her parents, although living separate lives, still deeply love and respect each other, because I'd rather tell her that than have her living in a home that has turned bitter and resentful.

The next few weeks are going to be incredibly busy. I'm counting on that to get us through this. If I'm not around OH a lot, it's because I'm trying to keep my life together as best I can.

I think I may be developing an issue. I'm now down to 146 - that's about 10 pounds down from the average I've been weighing since last March. In the last couple of weeks, I've a lot going on in my life and for the first time in my life, I've lost my appetite due to stress rather than eat to soothe... The result has been a drastic drop in weight in the past couple of weeks. I'm only getting about 800 calories a day, a far cry from the 1200-1400 I had been averaging. In addition, I'm SUPPOSED to be getting upwards of 200g of protein a day to prepare for PS.

The problem with all this is mentally, I'm enjoying seeing the scale go down again. I know I need to put the breaks on, that I don't need to lose anymore and my surgeon wouldn't be thrilled that I went under her "absolutely no lower than" weight of 150. But there's a high that goes along with seeing the scale drop and I find myself choosing to restrict my diet even more so I can keep seeing the scale go down. I'm not implying I have a true problem yet, but I can see it becoming an issue.

With other things going on in my life right now that I really can't go into, I'm thinking it's time to get some help. I'm going to start calling around and find a therapist - preferably someone who is knowledgeable about WLS but at least someone with experience dealing with obese patients. Too many times on the board I've seen people go from one extreme to another and I've got too much going on and too much going for me to let this become an issue.

Well, I had a GREAT time in Lexington! Learned a lot, had a lot of fun and met some really incredible people! It was so fun to meet, in person, all these people I've been talking to for so long... Everyone was incredible and pretty much just how I pictured them... Except Charlie, who was much shorter than I thought...lol  The conference itself was great but the overall experience, seeing people, going out and having fun, babysitting (right Vicki?) and dancing (right Lei?) was fabulous. With everything going on in my life right now, this was so, so needed. It was much much more than an obesity event, it was an all-encompassing support event for me and I'm coming home with a clearer mind and a stronger fortitude.

There's so many other things I'd love to share but to be honest, I'm exhausted, so I'm just going to throw out some highlights and maybe I'll get a chance to come back later and fill them in.

Kathy S - Thank you so much for sharing... You're an amazing person and I'm so glad we had a chance to talk.

Heidi - You are even more beautiful in person. LOVED the boots! Wish we could have spent more time together...

Michelle - I'm glad you had fun, your car finally started and you had a great time (wink wink)

Vicki C - Thanks for being my roomie. I had a great time with you and enjoyed our car talks!

Kathy (Mom) - We had some great talks, too. Know I'm here for you.

Sarah and Patty - you girls rock! Had a TON of fun hanging out Saturday night.

Vicki (J?) - To the best co-babysitter anywhere... Next time maybe someone will have to babysit us!

Jane - I really enjoyed hanging out with you. I think we must be living nearly parallel lives... Stay strong and good luck with your PS in a few days!

Leilani - Woman, nobody has a good time like you! I was sooooo glad to meet and hang out with you... You are truly an incredible woman!

There's so many more I want to say Hi to but to be honest, I'm exhausted so I'm going to close out but I'll post some more later!

I never actually thought I would see the 40s but I'm there! I weighed this morning at 148.2! It's been so long since I've been boucing around the low 50s - I really thought I was done... It's possible that I'm back on that cycle where I lose right before my period (assuming my periods are going to be normal again - if it is, I'm about due) which means I may creep up a pound or so at the end, but 148.2 is pretty firmly in the 40s, don't you think?

For the past week or so, I've been averaging about 8-900 calories, which is a lot lower than I had been for months... Not sure how I jumpstarted that, but not going to complain, either... Although I'm not looking to lose a lot more, I'm THRILLED to be losing again - forgot how awesome that feels...

PS in 48 days!

Well, here I am at 17 months out, been fairly steady since last March, and I'm losing again. Down to 150, the lowest recorded weight since surgery, except for a 1/2 day when I weighed 149 once. I had a little bump a couple of months ago, up to 157, which scared the crap out of me, so I made some changes. This last week to 10 days, for some reason, I've really had little interest in eating. I'm back to getting around 900 calories again, from an average of 12-1500. I feel good, just don't feel like eating... Part of that, I think, is getting control over some cocky eating habits I had established. Part of that is things going on in my life which have just made it difficult to concentrate... For the first time in my life, stress and strife have caused me to NOT want to eat. In the past, it would have made me eat more... Weird...

I'm 49 days from PS. Still smoking. Completely disgusted with myself about that... Have got to find a way to make myself stop. Don't want to risk the complications from being under while still smoking, but it's been so hard... I know, excuses, excuses, excuses... I promised Kathy (Kathy N Rich) that I would cut out my lunchtime cigs today, which is good for 3 cigarettes, so we'll see how that goes... I do fine all morning at work, since we can't smoke on the grounds, but when lunch time rolls around, I'm ready! I guess I'll just have to find something to keep me occupied. When I'm busy, I don't miss it as much.

Overall, things are going well. I'm stressed, my life is a mess, but in a weird sort of way, it's a good thing... Maybe someday I'll actually document it all, but for now, suffice it to say that it is incredibly ironic how your life can take turns you never expected and things that you've always wished for may happen when you're not ready for it and then you have no idea what to do with it...

Cryptic, huh?

It's amazing to me how your whole world, your whole existence, can just change in the blink of an eye... I now truly understand what it means to have your world turned "upside down". This isn't exactly WLS related but I needed to get this out, even if I'm being secretive and elusive. I want to capture this time so if I ever go back and read my blog in the future, I'll remember it always. Note to self: Take nothing for granted, never get too comfortable, learn when to know when it's okay to leap from the ledge...