2_be_me_again
Today, 1/18... it's a Sunday and I'm at my aparment with my little girl. It's been a good day thus far. We slept in and then had breakfast in mommies big bed together. Last Thursday, I went to my first actual WLS informational seminar. It was great. I went in sold on the lapband and left there sold on the Gastric Bypass. Sooo excited, I called my mom to tell her. She was soo happy - which was shocking; I had prepared myself for tons of criticisim. She said she knew how miserable I am. She can see it in me. The truth is... I am miserable. I don't want people to see me. I hate going to restruants these days... booths SUCK! My breast have gotten soo large, they have become the placemat and table cloth. Food constantly is falling from my mouth. I'm really pushing torwards the RNY. How did I just let myself go like this? Where did this stomatch come from? Where did my size 14, 16, 18, 20 jeans go? Oh my. Brandi what did you just allow to happen? No Mac make up purchases in months? No new clothes in months? No hair salon appointments in years? No bi-weekly visits to the nail salon? No Friday nights out with the girls? In fact, I haven't seen my best friend (who lives 26 blocks away from me) in at least 5 months. I don't want her to stare at me? She went to our high school reunion 6 months ago... of course I didn't go. And let people see me like this? I was a fox. 6 ft 1in tall, 152lbs...breast as perky as the first day I wore a training bra. Had a big ass... but that was a good thing. Shoot, know I'm a grizzly bear. Now - it's a big ass with a big stomatch and back rolls hanging down like I'm an old lady. I'm 28 years old. Boy where did the time go? Days have turned to Months and Months to Years... My daughter will be 7 years old next month. Will I still be fat... too fat to go to Disneyland? Will I still be huffing and puffing and around the park. I'm afraid that my boyfriend won't understand my want and will to lose this weight. He's of course gained wieght as well. For a guy, his weight looks bad cause he doesn't weight lift any more. When I met him - he was 250lbs ... but that was all beef baby! Now, his 299 is all flab and fat. His insurance won't cover such a procedure and he doesn't have the finances to pay out of pocket. My insurance will cover. I need to be at a BMI of no less than 40.0 - I'm currenlty at 38BMI. I really don't wan to pack on another 28lbs just so this insurance can cover the procedure. Or I can have the sleep study done. This would require me to have a machine post op. Don't want that stigma. I'm able to pay the annual deductiable of $5000 thanks to else.... my Mommy of course. Naturally, I will be repaying her. I'm conflicted cause my boyfriend is so against this procedure - of course cause he's jealous! He's know's I'll look good again and get my self esteem back. He knows, things will change. I love that man... have for almost 12 years now. But as I reflect on my life over this 12 year time frame - what has been the best or the greatest thing? My daughter! But what else? I can't say... we've been good eating partners...for the most part good sexual partners. But as far as providing each other with meaningful positive lives.. we haven't been able to do so. It's sad - I love him.... wouldn't want to ever be without him in some way... but I need to move on. My strive for a healthy and happier and thinner being is what I care about most. I want this. I need this. I can taste this. I'm scared of course. Death is my fear.... pain.....well and this too shall pass is what I'll try to remeber when it's my turn for change. This dumping symdrome is what I need to keep in mind. I hate nausea. I can't imagine my daily life being impacted by nausea and vomiting. Will I be able to take a pill everyday? That's a tricky one. I ended up with my daughter because I skipped pills. I can't make that mistake in my life any more. I can't. I can however, make a life alterning difference. I can make this change happen. I will lose 45lbs by my birthday. I will be at least 75lbs down by the time it's Halloween. I will were a sexy nurse custume! LOL.
