BABNRS
I have read so many stories in profiles on OH and find that, like so many, I am a thin person trapped under all this fat! I don't feel fat. I am surprised by the view in my mirror. I am shocked when I see a picture and realize it is me. How did that happen? I am beautiful. I have energy. I have personality. I have an insatiable sex drive. I feel young. I feel like I am still 120 pounds! But, alas, I am not.
I married at the ripe old age of 18, 2 months pregnant at the ceremony with my life ahead of me. I gained 50 pounds with the pregnancy - he was 10lb 11oz of it...but the rest...who knows. I did manage to lose down to 140 for a while. When Blake was around 1 and a half, we started trying again. Problem was, after I stopped breastfeeding him at 1 year, my periods never returned. Thus began my relationship with PCOS. Only, I didn't know it was that. Apparently none of my doctors knew either. For YEARS....12 to be exact...I took BUCKETS of provera to cause me to have a period and BUCKETS of Clomid to try to get me to ovulate. All the while gaining a pound at a time with every cycle. Every negative pregnancy test plunged me into the darkness of the freezer where the cherry vanilla ice cream slept. I didn't understand what was wrong with my body. What kind of a woman can't have a child? I had one already, so I got little sympathy from a lot of folks. Then I found my angel, a reproductive endocrinologist who fixed me...literally! He fixed a blocked tube, diagnosed me with PCOS, put me on metformin and injectable fertility drugs and 3 cycles later and a few million boys from a cup :-) I was knocked up! (We did intra-uterine insemination to boost our chances of conceiving). Sorry...forgot this wasn't the fertility forum! HE HE! Anywho...I have a 3 year old now who is precious and about 115 pounds that it took me 15 years to accumulate. I don't want to wait 15 years to lose it all! The same year I was pregnant with Mason, we took legal guardianship of a beautiful 9 year old, blonde haired, blue eyed girl named Renee. She is 13 now and it seems like she has been mine since birth.
So....here I am, been lurking on here for about 2 years. All the while thinking that I am too hot to be this big! I have done all the diets....all the pills...all the exercises! I lose. I gain. I cry. I try, try, try. I am ready to begin again! I want to go in a store with my friends shopping and not have to part ways and head to the big girl section while they ponder the offerings in the 'regular' sizes. I want to tie my shoes so the bow is in the middle not to the inside because that's the best I can do. I want to fit in the damn seat at the roller coaster without the crabby ass attendant having to put all their weight into closing the rail over me. I wanna live! I think this is the tool that I need. I am afraid. I am excited. I am ready. Lord, help me.
