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 It's funny. I just read my last entry and WOW! Back then I was complaining about getting "only" 80 g protein in a day and that I wasn't eating a wide variety of foods. Boy, I'd do anything to get that back. At this point, I'm getting less than 50 g protein in a day. Nothing is setting right in my pouch. Most foods are like a bomb that explode on impact. And when I say "most foods", I mean anything protein. Meats are really just not happening. Protein shakes? Ugh. They make me get chills, shake, feel nauseous. Not plesant. All the things that USED to go down, don't. Tuna, chicken, shrimp, pork. Nothin'. Even refried beans give me issues. And the protein bars?! BLECH!!! The only one I can stomach is Quest Apple Pie. But by the time I'm finished it, I feel sweaty, sick, dizzy and of course...nauseous. I've made an appointment with my dietician for this afternoon. There's nothing she can tell me that I haven't already tried. But whatever, it's worth a shot I guess. I'm trying to better plan my days as far as food and activities go, as opposed to just winging it day to day. Today's schedule is good. 102 g protein and 826 calories eaten with 404 cals burned. Wouldn't that be amazing?! Yeah, doubt that's gonna work. I'm gonna guess at least half of what I try is gonna come back up. But it's worth a shot! Today's schedule is as follows:

8 am Wake up

815  vitamins & breakfast (5 wheatables crackers with 1/2 a Laughing Cow cheese wedge)

920 2 minutes on my elliptical

930 1/2 hour at the gym 2.5 mph on treadmill

1015 1/2 MorningStar Farms veggie pattie

1200 2 minutes on the elliptical

1215 Vi-Shape protein shake

120 leave for appointment

2-230 Dietician

300 Elliptical

330 Chocolate protein shake w/ banana mixed in

445 elliptical

5 Quest apple pie bar/leave for group meeting (eat bar on the way there)

6-7 Support group meeting

730 1/2 (ish) Lean Cuisine Meatloaf...pureed. Just like the "old days"

Before bed 2 more minutes on elliptical

So, that's "the plan". So far, I've checked off all items to this point. But the shakes are where I'm afraid. That's probably where my day will begin to go downhill. So not excited about that. But that doesn't mean I won't try.

Now let's go back in time, shall we? The date is August 27. I'm on day 4 of vomitting everything that passes my lips. Including water. I pack my fiance into the car and drive to St Agnes Hospital (where I had my surgery). I sit in the ER for a few hours, then finally get called back. They tell me I need a CT scan, so to drink the barium fluid. Seriously?! After throwing that up all over their floor twice, they say they're going to admit me so my surgeon can look at me in the morning and they can pump me full of fluids all night. So, I get my scan, get my IV started, get wheeled up to my room (on the Bariatric floor of the hospital. yay!!) and get into my very, very comfy bed. Within a few hours and a whole bag of fluids and vitamins, I'm feeling a LOT better. I'm not constantly nauseous, no more headache. It was nice. But I couldn't sleep, never can in hospitals. In the morning, Good old Dr A came in to see me. He said my blood work looked like shit and I was probably getting so nauseous because I was getting too dehydrated and the vomiting made it worse. He told me to up my water as much as humanly possible starting that day and he'd see me the next (I had a follow up appointment with him the next day anyway). By the time I was discharged, I felt a million times better. I hadn't felt that good since BEFORE surgery. I followed the doc's orders and so far, mostly good. I know my fluids have been slipping lately. I think it's a mix of depression and just plain forgetting. But I'm trying to be more concious of it...

Anyways, thats enough for today. I'll post again tonight if I'm free about the dietician and group meetings.

 So, at last check, I was writhing in pain and cursing my doctor and plotting ways to make him pay for what he had done to me. I'm still not 100% convinced this is what I want. If someone said they could make this surgery go away and I could feel normal again, I honestly still would. BUT it is getting better. Slowly. Sssllllloooooowwwwwwllllllllyyyyyyyy. But its better than wishing death would come quickly.

So, since my last post, my dear fiance has finally moved to America. It was quite rough on myself as I'm a very personal person and I don't like sharing my space. Can you tell I'm an only child? But obviously very rough on him as he left London and everything he's known for 27 years. But we're doing really well! He seems to be adjusting well and I'm not going mad just yet. But it's also not fully set in that he LIVES here now. I'm normally watching the clock and fearing that 12 day mark when he has to go home. It is pretty weird.

Now, as far as RNY topics...The left side pain has finally gone. I was about to super glue my heating pad to my side and curl up in bed for a few weeks. I couldn't keep anything down but water and even that was a toss up. I was at my rock bottom and even began research on doctors that performed reversals for the future. I was really bad off. Between the pain and the, I think, the developing lactose intolerance which led to not being able to down a protein shake, I was completely broken. By Thursday, the 16th, things had begun to improve a bit. The pain had settled into a dull, nagging pulling sensation and I was getting all my required fluids in. Protein still gave me issues, but I was happy to get above 60g a day. 

Today I consumed 80g of protein and I've lost track of my fluids because I drink several bottles a day. I'm not eating a wide variety of foods and that's really starting to bother me, but this weekend is my transition class with my dietitian so hopefully I'm cleared for "all" foods then and I won't be AS scared to try new things. I'll also be willing to go to a restaurant with Indi (the fiance) and get one of the kids meals or something. Right now, I'm just happy things are staying down.

I'm not saying I'm completely happy with this surgery. I still hate it and would do anything to be ME again. But I am a little more hopeful that things will be OK soon. A little...

 Surprise! A brand new pain pops up! This pain is apparently what it feels like when internal stitches dissolve and the muscles they're holding together begin to rub against each other. Personally, I think it feels a bit more like someone took Excalibur and stuck it into the fires of hell and is currently playing the violin with it on my insides. Every movement hurts-standing up, sitting down, walking, breathing, laughing, coughing, sneezing, and well, everything. If it was a general soreness, I'd be good. But not with this constant ripping feeling. 

I think the worst part is that no one tells you what's coming. I knew I'd be in some pain after surgery, duh. Its surgery. But I had planned at two weeks out to be able to walk or move at all with minimal pain. I put certain things off for now because I thought I'd be able to do them. My fiance is moving to America on Friday and I can't even change my bed sheets, hang our laundry, vacuum. Nothing. If I would have known, I'd have made other arrangements. And that's aggravating.

This pain is just so bad, I don't know how much longer I can do it. I really don't.

 Wonder if it's even possible to dehydrate from crying. I'm pretty sure every ounce of water I've had has eventually come right back out thru my eyes. I've been crying every minute of every day, as long as no ones around. I can't sleep, even on dilaudid, because I just can't stop crying. And everyone I even try to talk to just keeps saying the exact. Same. Thing. "it'll get better eventually, soon enough you'll forget all this, yadda yadda, blah blah". I can't stand it. Honestly, if one more person says it, I'm gonna lose it. Sure, it might be better eventually. But I'm living NOW. Not eventually, whenever that is. 

 The hospital stay was hard for me. I don't do well staying in strange places for too long. It's just uncomfortable. Plus, I was in so much pain and had to be straight cathed twice! (it got to the point where I was pushing on my own bladder trying to go. It finally came on its own though!) Though I did enjoy my time walking the halls. I met so many great people going thru the same thing and we were all so great together. We'd all walk the halls and just talk and laugh and then laugh harder when we all bent over holding our bellies because laughing is soooo painful. It really made it like I wasn't alone in this. Then came Thursday morning. When I woke up, the nurse came in and started playing with my pain meds. I was quite fond of the morphine at that point, so I quickly asked what on earth she thought she was doing. She said its common practice to take you off the iv pain meds the day of discharge and switch to pills. I almost cried. I still miss my handy little pump. Plus, they sent me home with Dilaudid which, as I told them two days before, does nothing to me whatsoever. Which was why I switched to the morphine. But the nurse on duty was far too busy arguing with every other nurse because she felt she deserved a day off. I guess that gives her the right to screw up my care and pay no attention to her patient at all. Ugh. Either way, a doctor came in and was very nice. Until she put on gloves. And grabbed gauze. And then stated she was pulling out my drain. She said it hurts for about ten seconds and then it's all over. She was very nice and tried to get me to relax, but it really didn't matter. She pulled and WOW!!! Never gonna be doing that again, that's for sure. Lol. So I called mommy and let her know it was finally time to go home. 

The ride home was horrible. The highway was under construction and every single bump was agonizing. But we made it and I hobbled in the door. I was greeted by Joelene, which made me beyond happy. Then I went straight to the recliner in the living room and sat down. Been living here ever since! I had all the prescriptions and mom ran to get them filled for me before my last dose from the hospital wore off. The first night home, I spent a lot of time asleep. But early that next morning, it was time to start reality of this life at home. I got up, which still took far too long, and finally made it to the kitchen where I got a bottle of water and my vitamins. I also was at a higher risk of blood clots, so my surgeon put me on blood thinner shots for the next two weeks. Ugh. Me and needless? No way. I made up my vitamins and gave myself the needle and headed back to the chair. The whole day I kept trying to drink my water, but it just hurt! I could feel it go down my throat and then it felt like a bomb in my new pouch. That pain radiated around to my spine and always made me cry out. I barely got over 10 oz in that first day. The same story went for any puréed foods; yogurt, pudding, tuna. Nothing would go down with making me cry. Saturday was pretty bad. I was completely spent physically and emotionally. At that point, I'd have done anything to take it all back. I was done. 

I don't know what all that was, but Sunday morning I still tried. Got a bottle of hot water again and sat on my chair. I took a sip and braced for the pain. But it didnt come. So I took another. No pain. I don't know what happened, but I drank so much water in the course of that day. I found that foods still had the horrible, painful effect. But I was getting fluids down and that's most important. Thankfully, things just kept getting better (very slowly). I started getting in a protein shake and then came pudding with added protein powder. Then came yogurt.

 I remember waking up in the recovery room, but only for a second. The nurses were taking me to my own room and they kept hitting the bed against walls. I didn't care so much, and just passed out. I woke up again and heard my moms voice asking "is that my daughter they're bringing in?" and I felt the tears rolling down from my eyes. I remember saying (or maybe only trying to say) I made a mistake, but again I was out. 

I have no idea how long it was before I woke up again, but when I did I saw my mom and a nurse next to me. The nurse raised the head of my bed a little and I immediately felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. She pushed a plastic device into my hand and said to push the button as often as I could because it was my pain medicine. I didn't let go of that button for two days. Mom was happy I was awake and kept fixing my blankets, asking how I was and what I needed. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I just cried and told her I made the biggest mistake of my life and I'd do anything to take it back. I was miserable and depressed. She just held my hand and told me it was ok to cry, but I made the right choice. I made sure to talk to my amazingly supportive fiancé so he knew I was ok, but because of the meds, I was in and out of consciousness for who knows how long. 

When I woke up later, the nurse was there and said it was time to get things going. She took out my catheter(wow! Ouch!) and took off the squeeze things on my legs and said it was time to get up. Are you kidding me?! But I knew when I went into this I was expected to be out of bed the same day. It took over 15 minutes to get out of bed and I screamed the whole time. It was awful. And even then, it was only to get into a chair next to the bed. By this time, mom had gone home by my orders to take care of my dog and just relax. And I'm glad she missed all that. It was horrible and I'd hate her to see her baby like that. 

I sat in that chair for a while before the nurse came back and asked if I was ready to walk. I finally got up after trying for a while and started walking the hall. I made it two doors down and turned back

 It took many years of research, hard decisions and many doctors/dietician appointments, but as of July 31, 2012, I am a WLS patient on her way to a new life. 

Surgery was scheduled for 1045 on Tuesday July 31. I drove myself to the hospital with mom riding shotgun and we got there around 815. I spent the entire evening before getting every little thing ready. I packed my bag full of things I knew I'd never need there, cleaned my entire room and washed my bed sheets knowing I wouldn't be in it for a while (my bed is VERY low to the ground, too low for someone who's just has surgery). I was 100% ready. I thought. 

As soon as I was taken into the pre-op administrative room, I lost all control. I became hysterical and cried inconsolably. Thankfully I had some amazing nurses and techs with me, constantly holding me and my hand, rubbing my back an making jokes to see me smile. It helped a bit, but I was still terrified. Another patient was across the hall and would be having the same surgery that day even came over and held my hand, said a prayer and told me she would find me when we woke up and we'd walk the halls together. The fear just wouldn't go away. Was I making the right choice? Would I be able to keep up with the insane schedule for the rest of my life? Would it all be worth it in the end?

The anestesiologist came to see me and was so nice. She let me say bye to my mom and got her number to call as soon as I was out of surgery. She rubbed my head the whole way to the operating room and wiped my tears as I laid on the table. She even told me to dream of taking her on my honeymoon to Hawaii and then hummed to me until the anesthesia kicked in and I was out. 

 It's official. Gastric bypass with Dr Averbach is finally scheduled for July 31 at 10:45 am. I'm a ball of nervous, scared, and excited all at once. 

Definitely gonna start posting progress and any random thoughts about this journey in the coming week. :)