Jenniffer H.

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Wow... hard to believe it has been a month since I had surgery!! I can remember back in August when I was telling my sister in law that I didn't think surgery was for me. Now I am a month out and man have I learned alot. I have thrown up twice once because I had too much water and then tried to eat cottage cheese after a half an hour and then a week later because my broccoli wasn't mushy enough.
It has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I have struggled with my weight since the day I was born I have always been overweight or obese or morbidly obese. When I was born I weighed 10lbs. 5ozs. My mom always tells me the story about how people used to comment on how big a baby I was. I remember being in middle school and being 150lbs and thinking how fat I was. I remember in college being 250lbs and life after college went from 300lbs all the way to 1lb away from 400lbs.
I have had a long relationship with food than I have with almost anything else in my life except family. I remember being in school and getting through the day thinking about what my mom would be making for dinner and that would get me through the day. I remember in college not having a lot of money like most and eating a mixing bowl full of egg noodles or rice covered in butter and salt and pepper. As I got older and made a little more money fast food started to become away of life as did going out to dinner with friends. I work 12 hour days and love going and sitting in a restaurant and having someone serve me. It was a treat plus I enjoyed being out with my friends and felt like such a grown up when I would go out to dinner. I remember loving the food so much at times and other times going into auto pilot when I ate because I knew I just had to eat. I can remember hating eating at times because there were times I couldn't control myself and would hate myself after I ate because I felt miserable after eating a meal of nothing but fat and carbs.
I say all of this because I didn't realize that I wasn't getting a 2 for 1 surgery. My doctor did a gastric bypass but did not do a lobotomy. I never knew how deep my food issues ran until I could not have those things that gave my so called comfort. I miss those foods but wouldn't do anything differently. I don't regret my decision to have surgery but sometimes I struggle with knowing I can probably never have chicken fettuccine alfredo again. I never watched Food Network before surgery and now I find myself watching it all the time. I miss those foods but I think I am also a little afraid of what's to come. I say that because I see people who have been thin before in their life and remember what it's like to be thin. I have never been thin so while I am extremely excited about what's to come I am intrigued by the journey.
I struggle with food every day and realize that I am similar to an alcoholic and need to take each day at a time. So I will do my best to take each day at a time but let me say this now I appreciate you all who will be there for me in the future to dust me off and help my stay on the positive track to my journey's destination. I am making a promise to myself to do my best to get the absolute most out of this gift I have been given and to always find the silver lining even when I am having one of my little pity parties. I can and will work every day to beat my addiction once and for all:)

I can't believe that at this time last week I was leaving the hospital to go home and start my new life. They left out a few things in the new life manual. SO let me fill in a few of the blanks. 

First they never told me about the emotional roller coaster I would be on for the first couple of days. I can't believe how much I freaked out. On Thursday I remember waking up and thinking what had I just done was I nuts? I remembered that my surgeon had never really spoken of the size of my stomach until after surgery of which he equated the size of it to his thumb...his thumb. I knew it was going to be small but that really put it into perspective. I remember crying and just wondering what I had just done. But after a few days of pep talking myself I finally realized why it was so important and what I was going to gain from the journey.

Next I didn't truly understand how hard it would be to consume 64 oz. of water. They talked about it before and I was like yeah right I get it but I'll get it all in in one day. I am still only able to get about half of my water in. Which needs me to my next blank.

So no one truly told me about the gas that you get when you drink to fast which in turn causes you to burp and hurts after you have just had your insides rearranged.

Food has never looked or smelled more amazing after surgery. You are not hungry but you still smell that stuff and think of how good it used to taste. My mind now goes to a whole other level and I remember how it used to taste and I think about how I would stuff myself with will say chicken fettuccine alfredo but when I was finished I still wouldn't feel satisfied. I would be full but wouldn't feel full. I now know that when I can eat solid food again I look forward to coming up with alternative ways to eat my old favorites but to only have a few bites and enjoy the food and move on to better things in my life.

As I am physically healing I am trying to mentally heal as well. I know that my relationship with food can never and will never be the same ever again. For now I look at myself like a drug addict and there are certain drugs like chicken fettuccine alfredo that I can never eat again. I am ok with that because I am sick of hiding behind my fat and not going out there and being ale to live life with everyone else. I am sick of sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else play. I want to finally get in the game.

I stopped reading the posts about the negative outcomes from people's RNY surgeries and I have started to believe in myself for the first time in a really long time.

A man in my life told me that as long as I truly believed in things there would be nothing that I couldn't achieve and when I finally understood that statement my life would take a turn. I want to say that I understand that statement and my life has taken a turn for the better and I believe that after all of my failed weight loss attempts this is the last time I will ever weigh this much and I will never allow food to run my life. I believe in this for myself and all of my friends on here. 

So I got the call my surgery is at 7:30 am and I have to be at the hospital 5:30 am. I am a big ball of nerves right now because I still have a cold so I won't know until tomorrow when I get there if they can even do the surgery. I am excited and so full of crazy emotions!!! Can't wait to see what's ahead:) Good Luck to everyone that's having surgery today and this week.!!!

 So today was my first day doing the diet at work. I had the first two days of the diet off. It was interesting to see the difference in days. It was a little more difficult today because I was more active today than I had been the last two days. Plus it doesn't help that one of my associates sat next to me today eating Pizza Hut Cheese Pizza and as much as I wanted a piece I withstood temptation. So I got a little more hungry but I just remembered that my sister in law said to make sure to not go any longer than 3-4 hours without eating  which is weird because my eating habits at work at typically horrible. 

I am a General Manager at Staples so my schedule varies sometimes I open and sometimes I close. If I open I would get up at 6 to get to work by 7:30 so I usually skip breakfast and probably wouldn't eat until 1 or 2. By then I am super hungary so I would eat like a Large combo meal from McDonald's and also a 10pc Chicken Nuggets. Then that would last me most of the day then I would typically stop and get a snack on the way home and still come home and eat a full dinner.

So each day that I am on this diet and not cheating is such a huge win for me. It has truly been an extremely long time since I have tried to really take care of myself. For me I have always put others first. It feels kinda nice taking time to care care of myself as I'm sure most all of you can relate to this. I am just really excited to be on this journey to a new, improved healthier me!!

 I am really excited right now because. I made it through the day without cheating!! I know this seems really sad that I am celebrating after just one day but there were so many times today when I thought I should just cheat. It's crazy how much food is on your mind when you can't have it. I kept thinking about it today because if I passed a fast food restaurant or watched TV it was there calling my name. Man it's tough...one down thirteen more to go!! 

Dec 29th is my new birthday. I can't believe how quickly it will be here. I didn't think I would be hearing anything until after the first of the year and instead I got the call yesterday... Just a little over two weeks. Which yesterday I was freaking out but today I am happy that I don't have a ton of time to think about it so that way I won't back out of it. I am still really nervous because I have been overweight my entire life. I was a big baby from the start 10 lbs 5 ozs. I am not sure what life is going to be like without food as my crutch/security blanket but I am excited to find out. 16 Days and counting...