Brenda A.
2/26/12 Sunday
Feb 26, 2012
OK...so I've started the process of getting ready for my surgery. Yesterday (Friday?) I sent in my application for VSG. I will be going in March. Tomorrow I talk with the woman who is setting it all up for me. My husband will also be having the surgery. He won't be sleeping on my couch and I won't be sleeping on his. LOL. We'll be in rooms next door to each other. That'll be weird.Part of my process is all the emotional crap I'm going through. My friend (who recently had the same surgery) tells me that all my emotions are completely normal. I feel nervous, excited, angry, scared, self-pity, like I know I'm gonna fail at it even though I KNOW it works. I cried off and on all day yesterday. It was because I really DO want this but all my negative reasons are jumping around my brain. I hear all about how I just finally taught myself to accept and love my body just the way it is...and now all that work will be for nothing??? I hear that I'm going to let everybody down. I hear that I may be teaching my daughter the wrong way to deal with getting weight under control...what kind of role model am I being for her? But realistically...I don't want her to continue to see me like this. I want to be able to run around and play with her. She's 13...there's not much childhood left. Stupid negativity!
I am 45 years old. I have weighed as much as 297 in the past. I am currently 256. Two days ago I was 251. I'm so weirded out at the though of "going under the knife" that I am eating everything in sight. I keep telling myself that this is the last few weeks that I'll ever be able to eat all the things that I want...so better do it and do it all quick! Stupid I know, but there it is.
Tomorrow it's passport photos, searches for airline tickets, and "life as usual". Translation: me trying to hold it all together so I don't freak out my husband while he goes through the same emotions that I am. He's doing this for health reasons. He really has no choice. If he doesn't do this, he'll only have a few years left to live. Now considering that I only GOT married less than 2 years ago...I'm not ok with the idea of him dying on account of his weight. Thank you God for his willingness to do this...and for his willingness to hold MY hand through the process.
Well, I suppose I should shut up now. Thanks for listening. Later people.
bree~
