Callmesunshine

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So I went to the doctors, feeling on top of the world. I felt like I looked good. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't feel I was doing as well as I should. What a bubble burster. I cancelled my 6 week appointment because I had lost 2 pounds, I was stuck on a plateau and felt like a failure. I started working out at the gym and immediately lost weight. So by the time I went back to the doctors, I was down 18 lbs. The doc said, "9 pounds a month, that's horrible, are you eating candy?" Eating candy? Escuse me, doc? NOOOOO, I am not eating candy. I wanted to leave that office crying, I had been brought off my high at that very moment. I did not tell him about my plateau, maybe I should have and he wouldn't have been so rough with me. I don't know. All I know is that I already feel it's taking so long to lose this weight, I don't need the negative talk from the doctor regarding it, as well. I need positive support. You look good, your doing well. Those are the things that make me feel good, those are my motivators. I can't let the appointment get me down. I'd much rather lose slow, so I don't have the hanging skin, although I'm still going to have some because I've been heavy for so long. Oh yeah, another comment made...good thing you got sick in the beginning or you'd hardly be losing weight. Thanks, buddy, thanks!

Here's a quick update. I had my surgery on July 20th. I went home two days later, was drinking everything fine. The next day, all of a sudden I'm dry heaving, have a fever, have chills. I page the nurse, who happens to be married to the doctor. He calls me 7-8 times that day. Finally, it's decided I will go into the hospital. He calls them twice so I get in. Then, on Sunday he comes and visits me, even though he's not on call, on his way up to take his girls 6 hours away to camp. GOOD DOCTOR!! So I'm in the hospital another 4-5 days, CT scan and Upper GI done. It was figured one of two things happened. 1. My tummy was too swollen 2. A pain pill was lodged  right before getting to my stomach even though I cut it in half. I believe the later of the two was what happened. Anyway, finally was able to get out of hospital and was drinking fine. That's it though - water. I'm nauseous with everything else. So doctor yells at me on the phone - "your not complying -blah, blah, blah". I still like him even though he's mad at me.

Today:
Went in for my week visit. I got on the scale and lost 40 lbs since I started my liquid diet on June 29. Dr. says, "you've lost too much". He said if I can't get my protein in then I will be back in the hospital and get nutrition through an IV. I'm scared, but am having a hell of a time getting this damn protein in. I know that I have to. The taste of everything seems to be changing for me, though. The smell of some things makes me nauseous. I'm on a new anti-nausea medicaiton. The other one (Zofran) was giving me diarrhea. UGH! It's been a horrible trip!

I don't know if I'd say that I'm happy for doing this RIGHT NOW, but I'm sure in a month, I'll be changing my tune. The effects are a little bothersome right this minute.

Anyway, that's it...I've got some protein to try to get down. Hope everyone else is doing better!

So I don't have much positive to say right now. The last week has been a total joke, as has been the week before. I don't want these weeks to be so bad, but they just are. I cannot wait to things start feeling better again. I'm wondering if the lack of food and support is causing such negativity and bad things to happen. Like the book, "the Secret", am I pulling in the negative vibes. I sure hope not because I still try to be as positive as I can be, even though all of this.

Joe, my fiance, has taken all my frustrations personal and attacked me back. He'd probably die if he knew I put his name in this blog because he is so upset at me right now. Picking fights for no reason except that he is frustrated with me. I thought he was suppose to be my biggest cheerleader? What a joke. With a cheerleader like that, I might as well be on a losing team. However, I won't. I will be on a winning team because I've proven to myself that through my life I don't need others to support me. I raised my children without help - my mom was deceased and father was not around. My kids fathers parents only thought about themselves and didn't feel they wanted to be grandparents or want to even establish a relationship with my children. Their loss! It just has always frustrated me that if my mom had the ability to be around, she would have loved to be a grandmother. She would have jumped on the opportunity and held on to it. There would be no way that she would not want to spend time with her grandchildren. For that, I am sad. For that, I hurt for my kids!

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Joe didn't want my father to come up. However, I knew my dad wanted to because he kept asking me if I wanted him to. He just didn't want to say it himself. Joe told me he'd take care of me. Well, I see that's been working perfectly lately. HA! I kept pushing my dad away in order to suffice Joe, but have decided and told Joe that its not about him. This is my surgery, my healing, and this is about ME! My father and I need to work on our relationship and what better way, but for him to fly up to be with me. How could I say no to that? How could i not want to work on this relationship? Besides my children, he is all I have. If Joe walked out tomorrow, my father would still be there. I need him! So on a positive note, YES he is coming to be with me. It means more to me then he will know. I need him. So on a positive note.... Yes, there is one. My father is coming up from Florida.

Yay in one sense. Boo in the other. Yay for my dad. Boo for Joe.

So now a week on this liquid diet and I feel HORRIBLE! I know I'm not getting my calories in. I had to go to E.R. yesterday morning to get rehydrated. My back is KILLING me. My legs are KILLING me (cramps). Is this normal? I just want to feel good again. I keep trying to keep myself focused on the end picture.

Wanna know a secret? I'm mad at my doctor for making me be on this liquid diet for three weeks. I don't see anyone else on the diet that long - well except the people who see Dr. Bacal. It's my addiction that's mad because I keep thinking about all the food I want - periogi's, kiebalska, ribs (fall of the bone), mac n cheese - those are the foods that make me feel good...they are the foods I've used to make myself feel better.

15 more days till surgery! A friend I met on here had hers today..I'm looking forward to hearing how she is.

 So I've been on the liquid diet for 5 days, but weighed myself 3 days ago. I am down 7 pounds in 3 days. I can't lie, it feels good, but all I do is think about food. If I'm not thinking of food, I'm crying it seems. I try to watch tv, good ads. I try to go online, food ads. I try to go for a drive, food ads. How do I get away? Stay home in bed and sleep the whole time?

I'm also having a hard time with my fiance. Joe isn't being very supportive. I am so emotional and he is ignoring me right now, telling me how he is depressed. Dangit, I need you right now. I tell him I need him and he isn't responding to it, just feeling sorry for himself. How can I trust that he is going to take care of me, if he can't right now? Am I asking too much from him? This is why I try not to count on anyone, but I really, really need his support right now. What more can I do? 

Okay so I'm on day 4 of this liquid diet and I am a mess. Not only did day 2 feel like the worst day of my life, but I've been crying uncontrollably. I haven't cried this much in sooooo long! The weird thing for me is, that I honestly believe these crying spells are coming from unresolved issues I've covered up with food. I keep getting flashes of things that bothered me in my childhood which I haven't thought about in quite some time. I wonder if others deal with this type of thing. I guess I'm going to have to search it out.

As far as being on day four, I feel better, oddly enough. I know I'm not getting all my calories in because I'm having a hard time with the protein shakes, but still I feel better. I don't feel as run down and tired as I did before this. I guess the cause of how I felt EVERYDAY before was the food I was eating. I was at a point that I needed something chocolately every day. I also had to have a big huge 32 oz of diet coke every single day first thing in the morning. I didn't get the headaches I thought I'd get from not having those things. The worst thing for me right now is horrible pain in my lower back. I've been diagnosed with low back arthritis, but would only have pain when it was going to rain or the humidity changed or something like that. This has been ongoing and oh so painful since day 2 of this diet. I hope that this pain will begin to ease up on me because it's becoming more of a nuisance then anything. Maybe I blocked that out with food, as well. It's possible, that's for sure.

The weird thing is that I feel when I lose the weight, I will be that girl 20 year old who gained it. It's almost like that's what I imagine in my mind. I feel as if I buried her 19 years ago and now I'm finally going to dig her up after all this time. It's kind of sad when you think about it, that she's been gone all these years. It's almost like being in a coma after so many years - waking up and not recognizing the world has changed. I wasn't in a coma, but I hadn't lived either. So when I finally wake up, I'm going to see I have changed, too. I'm not that 20 year old girl.

I really believe that I need counseling now because of all these emotions. I've totally secluded myself from other people, including family and friends. The only person that I haven't (which is a habit for me) secluded myself from is my fiance. He doesn't understand how to help me through this, not that he really should. I've been wanting to call all my friends I've pushed away all these years, but I hate to use them when I need them. I've been a horrible friend because I haven't wanted to be around them when I was sad so I've stayed away quite a bit. It seems like I come back as soon as I feel better, for a month or two, then again into hiding I go. I've been sad more then happy and I know people don't like to be around sad people, it brings them down. It seems like I need a journal because instead of telling my story of how this surgery is going, I'm getting out a few of the feelings I'm having. Is this an appropriate place for it? I guess so, it's my journal blog, right? I'm sure others feel or have felt this way.

So the last few weeks have been full of emotion. I'm happy that this is finally going to happen, but scared at the same time. I'm sure others know what I'm going through. I know part of my problem is that I'm worried that I'm going to get another denial. I have a hard time getting my hopes up as it is, for anything, and this is no different. I've also had some scared moments reading whats going to happen afterwards. Surgery scares me, period. I think they devulge too much information in that binder, there are things I would just like to be surprised that happens. The fear is so great that I added my daughter as a beneficiary on my life insurance policy and 401k. It's something I need to do since I'm not married and if anything EVER happened at any time in my life, someone needs to be on there. I guess it feels like I'm giving permission for something bad to happen. Okay, now my i's are dotted and my t's are crossed, go ahead and let me go.

I've been wondering if others experience something that I experience. I do not have a whole lot of "close" friends. I know a lot of people, but I don't trust people and don't do things with them. I've always found myself putting everything I've had in my relationships with guys and not my friendships. I'm unsure how to open up with people, afraid if they get to close they won't like me. I remember watching a show where it said that a lot of heavier people don't have very many relationships with others because they have such a secretive relationship with food. Is that true with others? Is it something that I only have because of my childhood experiences? What is the reason?? 

So I don't have any recent pictures, I run from the cameras. I don't have any wise words. I don't have much right now, but I do have a surgery date, that is not set in stone - July 20, 2011. That's as long as the insurance company approves me. I've already been through this battle once before.....DENIED! That was back in October, 2010. No BCN psychiatrist, they told me. No proof of 6 months of weightloss attempts....only 5 months and 3 weeks. Are you kidding me? Jump through this hoop, jump through that hoop, maybe you won't jump through any hoops anymore and give up? I don't know. It's ridiculous, BCN approver dr.....did you not read the list of diets I've tried in the past? PLUS, I did have 6 months, I know I did...HAP paid my Weight Watchers and it was 6 - yes - SIX months. You are screwing with my life, now, BCN approver dr. This wasn't my first rodeo, or even my first diet. This wasn't even my second diet...did you look at the LIST? The LIST even shocked me. But that's how we are, we are lifer dieters. I don't want to be a lifer anymore. I want a life.

So, I've gained weight since October. No, I wasn't trying to up my BMI. Damn, depression. Damn, hoops! Damn, BCN approver dr. Damn, psychiatrist who took three months to get me my actual psychological. I'm not happy about this weight gain, it's making my life miserable right now. My knees and back are killing me. I get exhausted walking up and down the stairs. I feel tired all the time. You know how I feel, you've been there too, if your not still there.

So I'm not getting my hopes up on my July 20th surgery because I'm not that kind of girl....excitable! However, I do have my fingers crossed.