CHARO
My story is long and very complicated. So, I will be as brief as possible. From the age of 4 until 15, I was severely physically abused by my stepfather and mom, as well as terrible emotional abuse. I was always told that I would amount to nothing, that men would only want me for one thing, and that I was ugly and fat. These were amongst the few statements that have been embedded into me since age 4.
When I was in 6th grade, I stopped growing (5'4) and had large breasts. I was always thin until I started high school and I gained at least 50 pounds my freshman year. Although, I played sports soccer, softball and basketball, I still managed to gain weight.
I went away to Colorado for college so that I would not be around those people but I did not know how to survive without the chaos. I flunked out of school in my sophmore year and stay at home, living with my abusers again. Although, the physical abuse was gone the emotional abuse was much worse because now I was stupid. Food was the only person who understood me and loved me unconditionally.
Over the next 15+ years, I gained an average of 5 lbs a year. Sometimes more never less. I tried every diet available. Weight watchers, fen-fen, starvation, liquid, protein, and Adkins. I lost each time but I would gain double the weight. Until I finally got to the 250's. Eating more so that I could have men stay away.
In 2002, I was turning 40. I also, lost my job. It was my opportunity to start a new life. Especially, away from my family, who I cared more about than I cared for myself. So, I made the biggest decision of my life, I moved 350 miles away. This was far enough from them yet close enough to build a ‘healthy’ relationship! As it turns out, it was the best decision I made for myself. Over the last 5 years, I've shredded most of my baggage and accepted things the way they are. I've been able to forgive my mom for not protecting me s well as forgiven myself. I actually verbalized this to my mom, which set her free of the guilt she has kept inside for all these years. But most importantly, I freed myself.
My weight is one of the last phases of my reinvention. This decision took me almost a year to make, but I am glad I made it. Over the last 3 weeks I have had a tough time with the weight loss, but I also realize that my 'fat' has been my best friend and protector. That is why I had the sense of loss recently. I do know that I will be ok and I will lose weight for myself. It's going to be a long ride since I have never seen myself thin as an adult.
I have overcome many obstacles in my life and survived, however, my weight loss will be the biggest challenge, but somehow I know that I will overcome.
