Deana G.

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Wow, I haven't blogged for many months. I'm finding that this journey has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. Some days i just do what I always do, drink protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and regular dinner with my family. Plus a few protein snacks in between.

But even though the weight loss seems routine now, the changes have not been. I'm starting to notice bones in my body that I didn't know were there! :D It's hard to sit in some chairs because I can feel my tailbone. Is this what it's like to be slim? I am still overweight with a BMI of 28 but the changes in my life have been truly dramatic, even though it seems that it's been routine to get here.

Things I would have been afraid to do before are now not only possible, but a thrill to try. My husband and I went to the north rim of the Grand Canyon about a week ago, and I walked around like it was nothing to go up and down stairs and ramps. It felt amazing! And even though we have a beautiful rock spa in our back yard, I haven't been in it since before I started my weight loss journey...too hard to get out. But now it's like nothing...I can easily get out of the rock spa just walking up the steps. Before I lost this weight, it felt like I was gaining 100 pounds just be getting out of the water. Now it's no big deal - so it's a really big deal!

While I can't say I haven't "cheated" on my diet, I can say that I've watched my food in moderation. Some things are still tough for me. I still can't eat steak very well unless it's cut in super small bites. I absolutely can't eat dry chicken. And though I love white bread, I can only have just a little or it expands and blocks my stoma.

But I've cleaned out my closet thoroughly twice - all new clothes - and now my current set of clothes is getting loose. Some are totally too big, even though they're the same size as others. I think it's time to start sewing again, something I used to really enjoy.

Pictures, though, are what are TRULY amazing. I look at the photos of myself that I've uploaded, and I can't believe that it's the same person from beginning to end. I feel so much better physically, and find that there are some people who don't even recognize me. It's a great feeling.

My surgeon wants me to lose 44 more pounds, and my regular doctor think I can stop at 30 more pounds because of my age. We'll see...when I get to the end of the next 30 pounds, I'll just wait and see how it goes/feels.

I just want to say how grateful I am to God, to my doctors, to my friends and family, for their direction, support, and love through this process. I feel so much better, and it's been SO worth it!

Just yesterday at work someone commented that I looked like I'd been losing weight, and that my clothes that day looked pretty ridiculous on me (too big). What a nice, happy problem to have! So I went through my closet and took out everything that is ridiculously too big, except for two pairs of pants (the only two I have now that are not part of suits), my 6 pairs of jeans that are two sizes too big, maybe 3 suits, two of which are really too big but not as big as the others, one suit that actually still fits, and a number of tops that I bought way back when and were too small at the time. I'm in serious need of some inexpensive clothing.

So I resurrected my pattern software, drafted a pattern for two pairs of pants, and will be making some new pants (easiest thing to make) as soon as the fabric arrives from fabric.com. I've been wanting to sew again, especially the clothing items that are quickest and easiest to make, like pants. I can probably get a pair done that fits me right in 2 hours or so, unless I add lining. That might take an extra hour or so. But what a wonderful problem to have!

Oh yeah, weight lost is probably 47 pounds or so. It's hard to tell because different scales say different things at different times of the day. But I see my surgeon again on Thursday for my second fill, so will get an "official" weight loss amount then. It's not coming off as fast as I wanted it to, but considering that I didn't start watching what I eat until October 10 (and today is January 6), that's not too bad for about 3 months, right? More than I ever would have done on my own. I don't think the Lap Band is doing that much yet except making me stop eating too much too fast, because I'm still hungry a lot. But I sure have learned a lot about the role of protein, vegetables, and fruits in my diet. Never thought the protein shakes would taste so good or that they would work so well. Can hardly wait to see how the band affects my hunger level as I get more fills. So far it's 4 cc in a 14cc band. I only feel "tight" in the morning.

Anyway, I have a trunk full of clothing to donate to the hospital support group's closet. Maybe next month I'll have more!

I'm so grateful to God for his making all this possible.

Even though I'm not losing weight as fast as I had hoped, I'm still very pleased with the overall progress. I have found that I still need to educate myself on not eating too fast, with bites too big. Had a big PB episode at work yesterday, thankfully at the end of the day. But it was ugly.

Love the recipes from "theworldaccordingtoeggface" blogspot. The protein ice cream has saved me on those days when I get home from work and I'm absolutely famished. I think that's the hardest time of the day for me. I have eaten lunch at about noon, get home at about 6:00 or 7:00, and it's not dinner time yet. So the strategy of a protein shot or scoop of protein ice cream has been great. Better than the string cheese that I was eating.

There are so many sources out there on the internet that can help. I'm so impressed. People are so willing to help and to share. I don't know if I'll ever make it to Dr. Owens' goal for me - 135 pounds - but the journey has been good, almost 2 months out.

At church this morning I noticed that I had breath to sing - more than I have had in years! I could sing! I could breathe! It felt like I could finally fill my chest with air and sing out with all the emotion that I felt on this day, something I have not been able to do for a very long time. I just didn't realize it!

My hernia repair, or perhaps the Lap Band, I don't know which - but something wonderful has happened inside my body that is just so liberating physically. I can climb steps like I've never been able to before, without laboring to get up the stairs. I've only lost like 25 pounds, so I don't think it's the weight so much, not yet. But my blood pressure is down to maybe too low, so I need to discuss it with my regular doctor, I think.

Other things are happening to me that I did not expect from this surgery. It's only been 3 weeks, so it's not like it's totally life changing - yet. But things are happening deep inside myself that I cannot explain. Emotions that I have held silent for years are coming out in ways that I can't explain. I'm remembering things I have not remembered for many years, experiencing the panic, fear, horrible emotions of having been horribly abused. I will not document the abuse here - there are some stories that are too horrible to know or hear, and this is one of those.

But the freedom I am beginning to experience from knowing I will lose weight, knowing I will be free of the physical burdens, are very surprising. I just feel so much better since my surgery, and feelings from deep within myself are surfacing that I have not had in many years. I did not expect the emotional turmoil that I am feeling. The turmoil isn't so much a burden as it is a surprise. I've been through years of therapy for the "other stuff" but somehow we never got to the nitty gritty of the actual experiences I had had, and now my DH is hearing and listening to things that I'm not sure he's ready for. It's a burden to know this stuff. It's a burden because the first time you hear it, you may want to just throw up, go somewhere and shake off what you just heard. This is what I'm feeling and experiencing - the memories coming out as my body heals.

Through all of this, though, I know that God is good and will enable my DH to hear as much as he can hear. I have to try to be sensitive to not reveal too much, else I could hurt him.

When we thought I might die from the heart condition that was recently discovered, he was asleep next to me but would not let me go. I tried to move positions but he held on tight and moaned, as though he could not let go of me just yet. It turns out that my heart condition is probably not going to kill me any moment (like we thought it could), and I think he feels some peace about that.

I just had to write this down somewhere in a journal because the thoughts are burning inside me and I have to write them down.

I am so very grateful!

Over the past few days I've been gaining weight instead of losing! It seems like I've gained 3 to 5 pounds back! I haven't cheated, I have followed the rules, everything! It started just before I got my exercise bike. And it seemed like my weight shot up 3 pounds in 2 days. It's steady at the same place now, but still - I shouldn't be gaining, I should be losing! I was hoping to show a really good weight loss by now! On the good side, I am wearing pants today that I wouldn't wear before because they were too tight in the middle - so it appears that I'm losing inches, at least.

I tried to call Dr. Owens last week to ask him if there were any restrictions on exercise or physical activity. I was so flustered when I called his office! In fact, I was almost in tears. It's not his fault, it's not his office staff's fault, it's mine. I wrote to them to ask when a good time to call him would be, and they said I should call at around 1pm. I think this was last Friday. So I called a few minutes after 1pm, to his office number, and the girl on the phone asked me to call his cell phone. So I did - and he was still in the middle of seeing a patient. I was trying to avoid that by asking what time I could call! Anyway, he didn't have time to answer my questions, and said he'd take a look at my emails I had sent. (I've now sent three.) I think he forgot me, because I haven't heard from him yet.

The bad thing was that I called a number the night before (Thursday) that I thought was his cell phone number, and left a detailed message about what my number one question was. Problem was that I hadn't called his number, I had called my boss's cell phone number, and had left a very embarrassing message on her phone. When she didn't answer her phone, a standard message came on re-stating the phone number, and I was so intent on preparing my question that I hadn't listened to the phone number and blurted out a question that was whether my husband and I could have sex yet. The hernia operation was extensive, more so than the lap band, and my dear husband didn't want to hurt me. So I ended up calling my boss to ask if my husband could have sex yet! How embarrassing is that?

Then the next day was when I called Dr. Owens at the office. I still haven't heard back, even though I sent one more email with just the one question instead of general questions about the surgery. This is extremely difficult for me because of my past history with sexual abuse from my first husband and the doctor who did my hysterectomy. I know it's irrational, that was 22 years ago, and this is a totally different situation. But I's so embarrassing and was so difficult for me to even get up the courage to ask. Sometimes I feel like a forgotten stepchild but I also know that's irrational. He probably just forgot.

Everyone (including my PCP) talks about how wonderful and caring Dr. Owens is, and I'm sure it's true. I have only met him once - the consultation - didn't even see him the day of surgery. His notebook on the Lap Band surgery is really good, really thorough, so I don't really have questions about that. Except for this awful weight gain.

I'll just keep on keeping on and hope that by next Thursday, when I actually see him for a follow-up, I'll have more information. Not knowing things sometimes just makes me nuts. And the embarrassment of last week makes me feel weak. But I'm not - I survived and I will thrive now with the weight loss, exercise, and healthier outlook. Just had to write down my thoughts somewhere.

Woo hoo! My husband Jerry and I found a Nordic Track Audiorider U300 upright exercise bike at Sears on sale and got it today! I have no more excuses for not doing the exercise I need (and want) to do to make the weight loss work. I once bought a "Fitness Flyer" to do exercise at home because it was non-impact, but I found that it was too difficult for me to get any real programs going because it was just back and forth motion. This new bike has programs built in, and there are additional workout programs available on SD cards.

But the whole point is that it's finally a step I've wanted to get done for a long time, and now it's done. I can exercise daily and really help my heart get healthy, not to mention the rest of my overweight body. I also have 3 pound weights to do weight training (gotta start somewhere) for my musclees.

All in all, this is a very positive step for me and will definitely make a difference! Hurray!

All the weird gastric symptoms I had before surgery are gone - disappeared immediately after surgery! I am so very grateful for this!

It's Wednesday afternoon, two days after surgery, and the gas pain is finally starting to get better. It's been pretty bad on my shoulders and sometimes in my chest, but it's a small price to pay for a happier future.

Just want to document the journey on what got me here...it's kind of amazing how fast it really happened.

On September 16, 2008, I had my psych and nutrition evaluation at Chapman Medical Center in Orange. Then two days later, on September 18, I met my surgeon, Dr. Owens, at his office in San Pedro. He was very patient and spent 1.5 hours with me to get my full history, etc. On September 23, I had my blood work done, and on September 30, I had the Upper GI done that showed the extent of the hiatal hernia I had. (It was huge.) On October 2, my insurance company asked me for three more pieces of information. One was a record of an exercise consultation, so I sent in the work I had already prepared on WebMD, and it was accepted. I still had to attend a support group meeting, which I did on October 13, and my doctor still had to send in the referral, which he did. So, on October 16, my surgery was approved! It had already been scheduled for October 20, believing that everything would go through as planned. And it did!

Surgery was basically uneventful, as far as I know. My surgeon had car problems that morning and was late. By the time he arrived, they had already prepared me and I was already out when he entered the operating room. I didn't see him. After my surgery, he was in the middle of another surgery, so I didn't see him at all. I called the next day and made an appointment for 3 weeks out. The only thing strange that I know happened during surgery was that my pulse went down in to the 30s. It didn't surprise me, because my pulse has typically been low, and was super low when I was thin (for like six months in my life). In fact, my blood pressure when I was thin was 90/60.

I took the weight loss seriously, though, when in August or September (not sure what date) my doctor found a blood pressure of 160/100. Yikes! So I bought a BP monitor and have been keeping track of it ever since. My doctor put me on BP medication, which made a difference almost immediately.

But other than the gas, I feel so much better that I can hardly believe it. I'm only a little on the edge of hungry, and am satisfied very quickly when I drink a protein shake or some other thing I'm supposed to have.

I am trulyl grateful for this opportunity and for my doctor, Jack Gutman, and my surgeon, Milton Owens. It will be so good to be normal, and I feel so much better right now. God is good!

This is Saturday, October 18. It's about 6:30 pm and I'm thinking about Monday morning's surgery. Not only will I have a Lap Band put in, but I also have a large hiatal hernia that needs to be repaired. Right now the hernis is giving me more problems than anything, so I'm hoping that all goes well.

I've been overweight nearly my entire life. I'm 56 years old, and have been married to a wonderful guy for a little over 8 years. His BMI is somewhere in the mid 30s so he doesn't need or want this kind of surgery. I've seen him lose weight just by deciding to eat less, and that's that.

Not so easy for me. I've done Weight Watchers (a lifetime member, no less!), Jenny Craig, Slim Fast (couldn't stick to that long enough to lose anything), have seen a nutritionist, and just basically cannot keep off the weight. I believe the Lap Band is the tool I'm going to need to keep this off. I finally made the decision to do this because at a doctor's appointment in August or September this year, my blood pressure was 160/100. Very scary since my BP has historically been low.

So now I'm on BP medications, other medications for my "gastric related" problems that I'm hoping will go away after surgery, and have been following the liquid diet since I heard about the surgery date a week ago. I should have been on the liquid diet for two weeks prior to surgery but didn't know about it until last Friday. Oh well...I thought that maybe the surgery might be scheduled sooner than I expected, so started drinking protein shakes and smaller quantities in meals for a few weeks, and I think I've lost about 14 pounds, depending on the scale.

I'm a little nervous about the new lifestyle. We went to Sam's Club today and it occurred to me that I shouldn't eat any of the free samples that they always give you as you pass by some terribly fattening food item. Turns out they didn't have any today, and I had just had a protein shake and wasn't hungry anyway. In fact, I've been blessed not to be that hungry at all between the shakes, except for just a few days.

I'm actually very grateful for this opportunity to finally solve the weight problem in my life. God has been good to me in my life, and I want to do what I can to stick around long enough to do more good. I need to find a way to exercise that doesn't hurt my feet and legs. I had surgery this year on April 1 for a bunion, which basically reconstructed my foot. I have six screws in my foot and need to really take it easy. I'm sure losing weight will be good for my feet too, so I need to find a way to exercise that is no impact. That's my goal for after surgery - find an exercise routine or used equipment to make that easier.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to 8:00 Monday but also a little apprehensive. I do fine in surgery, so I am not apprehensive about that. I normally don't even hurt that much, so I'm not apprehensive about that. It's just the uncertainty of whether the doctor will find something else that explains all the other weird symptoms I've been having over the past several months. As I've studied hiatal hernias, I've learned that some of the stranger symptoms could have been caused by that (low iron, easy bleeding, etc.), so I'm hoping the hernia isn't in such bad shape that my surgeon has to cut and repair my stomach. We shall see.

God is good, and I'm grateful for this, very grateful!