Kathryn M.
April 14, 2008
Today I begin the 5 Day Pouch Test. Wish me luck!!!!!!
April 2, 2008
It's a shame I haven't posted in here in 6 months. I've lost touch with my process and all the benefits of being a part of this group. And I miss the support. So here I am, I am back!!!!!!
Weight still steady - thats not the problem - a positive and healthy attitude is hard to maintain when you are a person -* ME -who is plagued with the urge to eat emotionally and more or less wins the battle - but not always. I've snacked more this winter than I have since the surgery. Thats the bad news. The good news is that Im nipping it in the bud - right here right now. Gotta find whats new here
Gotta put away the tortilla chips, grab a glass of water or crystal light and start reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 3, 2007
I cant believe how time flies. I am still at a weight range of 195-200 depending on the day or time of day. I have been extremely discouraged and upset with my lack of progress UNTIL I went to a support group meeting today. It made a huge difference in how I've been mentally approaching things. It felt good to be in company of others who understood and knew what I was going through ( in general terms). It was also good for me to admit my mistakes .......2 mini candy bars on halloween night with the kids a few days ago...........and to not be overly ashamed or lie about what I do right or wrong.
August 1st, 2007
Weight: 197!!!! I'm doing it, yeah me. I have been committed to my goals the past 2 weeks and it is paying off and I am so happy. I just proved to myself that i can accomplish my goals if I focus and change a few small things. Havent done the exercise but I have been going to bed earlier, not snacking at night and drinking tons and tons of water, crystal lite etc... to keep things flowing thru me. Tomarrow I leave for a 6 day trip to Lake Tahoe and so Im not sure what challenges that will bring but I am determined to lose 20 more lbs before christmas time. My goal is 175 lbs. I dont know why really, except that my bmi will be in a "normal" range. Everyone says I look good now and no one believes me when I tell then how much I weigh. My face has changed quite dramatically but whooooo wheeeee is the fat on my hips and thighs still hanging on. Its strange, I like the pictures of my face on my profile here better than I do now. I look older and more tired,and I dont think I put on my makeup correctly anymore - I know this is all vanity stuff but in some ways I am WAY mroe insecure now than before when I was obese. In other ways I am so much HAPPIER now. I love being viewed as "normal" and that I dont stand out because of my size. I hated being so fat and I love being in Onederland.
July 20, 2007
HELP! I've been gone far too long and gotten off course because of it. I reached my next goal - I finally dropped below 200lbs!! Yeah! I was so happy - and now? Well, now I weigh 209.5!!! I know what happened and how I got here too and as of this morning I made a commitment to get back on track and stop this nonsense. Two equally important things happened to get me here: I began working at a desk job 32 hours a week( plus still being a full time mom and wife) and I stopped exerciseing! Duh!!!! I just want to scream at myself. I am so frustrated with my bad habits of snacking more and because I am tired and unhappy - thats how I ended up weighing 342 lbs! Now I find myself reverting back to the same things. But no More! I am going to get it together starting now, with this little on line confession - a sort of shaming myself back into positive action! I was thrilled 4 weeks ago when I weighed in at 196! I am making that my 1st and only goal for now. Get back to 196. I know I have to do 2 things to get there and I hesitate to put it inot writing - keeping this commitment will be hard but here goes nothing. 1.) I will go to bed early( no later than 10pm) and 2.) I will wake up and get on that treadmill or walk outside 5 mornings a week- BEFORE WORK!!!! Ugh, now that is going to take some real motivation and Im not sure I have it in me - but I have to find the motivation and I have to do this. Okay, I can DO IT!!!!!!!!
March 26th - weight 207
I've been able to lose a few pounds the past few weeks and I am so happy about that. This struggle to get below 200 lbs is really my focus this entire year so far. Its been a rude awakening to realize my body does not want to lose more weight and I have to be vigilant and keep working really hard to not relapse ( like I occasionally do) into over eating, emotional eating and just a general work hard attitude. There are a few things I have learned through this process so far.
1. This is a journey - while I create goals for myself to reach - I am never really done. Hence the whole,,"this is a process" thing.
2. I havent been satisfied with myself yet - even when I meet a goal I say "Yeah Me!!!" and then create new goal to move toward. work work work
3. I have to be nice to the stranger in the mirror. Ive been finding flaws with myself left and right and I am turning into one of those people who dont know how to appreciate where I was and how i got here.
4. Smile - it makes a difference to those who see you, how you look and more importantly it makes me feel good!
5. Quit comparing. I have to redirect myself quite often to not compare myself to just about everyone else I see. This is probably the hardest thing for me.
6. Keep on Keeping On - my son told me this and I love it and live it!!
Feb 8 - part 2 I just reread my last entry and I wanted to remind myself that the vitamins, workout and prayer have all worked together to help me improve my life recently.
February 19th - weight 215lbs! UGH!
OKay I need to review and reasses.
I threw up Friday - all water because I chugged it and immediately regretted doing so - the pain was sharp and instant. I dumped in the worst way on Saturday - from a protein shake I made myself - too much milk in a short time I threw up yesterday- chinese new year after I ate waaayyyy to much salad! I need to get back to the basics -and I am motivated to do it.
February 8th 2007 - weight 213/214 lbs Yeah, life is getting better and better. I wish I knew what was the trigger - but I am so glad the fog of saddness has lifted - even though my weight loss has not been significant lately I feel GOOD!!!!! I am excercising almost everyday and I am lifting free weights and have been meeting with Les the personal trainer who has inspired me and helped me to envision a life of fitness in a body I can be happy with. I am doing my cardio and when I dont ( on days like today) I miss it and am planning tomarrows walk on the treadmill. My heart rate monitor has helped me to see my progress and track my workouts too. I am becoming a fitness NUT! a FREAK!!! I love it, working out is my "thing" - it keeps me up and happy and motivated in the rest of my life. Its also the one thing I can do by myself without the kids or Kam and I enjoy the time to myself. I am eating a bit too much lately and so I need to still work on head hunger and eating to fill a void, but Im aware of it and I try to stop.PMSing right now, so I really believe thats a big part of the salt/sweet tooth kick I get on somedays. January 27th - 215 lbsYeah, Im beginning to feel better about myself, my loss and my overall atttitude is lifting. I have prayed and tried patiently to wait this "feeling" out and I hope it is here. I got ALL my hair cut off. ALL OF IT - what was left I should say. I look different but generally I look much better. I've gotten mostly positive feedback, although my mother says I look older yet sophisticated - ha! Its nice to not have to pretend my hair wasnt a mess - the few inches are sassy and healthy! Which is how Im trying to feel - and I say still trying because I find this a struggle still....but losing afew pounds this month has definately helped. I've worked out 7 days in a row - I walk/jog 2 miles each day so that means Ive walked 14 miles this week -COOL! I've really come so far so that means I need to enjoy, accept and acknowlege myself, my life and my body with all its imperfections. I dont know why that is my struggle but it is. I still love that I can cross my legs when sitting down - thats one of my favorite little things that make me smile - and no one knows. Its just one of those few things I seem to enjoy - so Im not sure why I cant allow myself to enjoy more - like the compliments of others. I get em - I appreciate them but I sure dont know how to graciously receive them into my heart. I've been praying recently more for myself and my limitations in this regard. I want to be a better mother, wife - person. I want to be more patient with those I love and that includes myself. January 17th, 2007 - 218lbs It has been a weird few months. Im still not happy with myself or the lack of weight loss. Ive tried several new ways to work out thanks to Les, my $50 an hour personal trainer. Well, the good news - I can really walk now, 4.2 on the treadmill without dieing! Amazing to me. I feel better- so much stronger physically. Emotionally I feel worse, weaker. I get depressed when people dont recognize me. I get defensive and I feel like I live in a fish bowl at times. My hair and nails and skin look horrible - worse than I could have imagined - Im on a new regimin of vitamins so I'm hopeful that 30 days will show an improvement. I look old. I cant afford nice clothes so I feel like Im dressed like a bum most of the time. I took scissors and cut my own hair yesterday! YIKES, I had a melt down all right. I want soo badly to be out of this terrible mood. But I cant seem to pull myself out. ITs scary and lonely here! December 7th, 2006 -222lbsI cant believe its been 2 months since I wrote in here. november was an upsetting/disappointing month in terms of weight loss. I lost only 7 lbs nad it put me into an emotional tail spin. I have been at a stall - it continues but I have hope now. I got a personal trainer for a few hours to help my work outs be more efficient and I am hopeful this stall wont last forever. I cant lose the faith - when I do it feels awful. I have to believe I will make my goals. Who knew it would be such a bumpy emotional ride? Not me. I really believed, at one time, that all I had to do was lose 100 lbs and life would be great - well, Ive lost 120 lbs and while life is great - my issues are the same and some are worse -body image is a tricky thing. My idea of who I am and how I look is even trickier. Its fluid, and easily distorted. I have to work daily to be strong and healthy and continue to develope and nurture healthy habits for life. October 2nd - 245 Lbs
So I saw my surgeon today and everything looks good. He is happy with my weight loss to date and feels assured that I will get to my goal - his goal rather, of 171 lbs. I laughed. Yes, he said, 171 lbs. I dont know where he got that number it sounds so random but we laughed and he felt a bit confused at the humor. I am so guarded right now about my happiness with this weight loss and my progress. I receive compliments each week from someone new and yet I still dont believe it. I dont let the feeling inside - I dont really take it in and let myself belive I am a success. How weird is that? Why cant I jsut be happy? Sept 7th ~ wt 255.5
PMS is rearing its ugly head again. I am feeling overwhelmingly bad right now. I want so badly to eat my troubles away, in fact,I tried a few days ago and ended up with my head in the toilet. Yeah Me! Ive been more careful since, but the urge, the head hunger is still there. I try to tell it to shut up! I scream it to go away. I think me and food, and being upset are always going to have trouble with one another. My son is in school, 1st grade. He started Tuesday and I miss him so much. He is doing well, he likes school, school likes him and I know that is what matters. I am proud of him. The teacher told me tonight at open house that he is a charmer. I told her he is my guy. I adore him, and miss him and I would gladly send the dog and my baby girl to school if I could keep him home with me. ( ha ha) They changed my life. He and my daughter mean more to mean than anything else in the world. They are the reason I get up in the day, the reason I breathe, the reason I smile. Those 2 sweethearts are the reason I had surgery, I know what my life is worth because of them. So, the pms will go away eventually and I wont have to deal with this overwhelming urge to cry and eat ...at least until next month... but while Im feeling this way I just want to put it out there that I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN. My husband is sweet and kind, my friends are too, and my children make me want to be a better person everyday and I write this with a grateful heart. I have good health thanks to this surgery. I am restoring myself back into what I believe God wants me to be. And yet, I still struggle...I know theres a lesson in this somewhere. I will find my way back to my true self - and I just bet I will be better for the journey. September 1st - 4 months out - 258 lbs!!!
Yeah, I feel so good, so happy with my weight loss. I feel like I can take on almost anything and I am only 1/2 way to my goal, 80 more lbs and I will be unstoppable ( hahaha, right!) August 25th~ 261
Well Ive been thinking alot lately about how I want to live my life and improve my attitude. I signed up to be a BeautiControl Independent Consultant and I am nervous about following thru with it. I have used the Spa products for over a year now as my sister sells it and she encouraged me to do the same . She has talked to me about it before, before surgery and I just knew all I could focus on was improving my health and losing weight but now I feel the time has come to take more strides toward financial freedom, security and fulfillment. But I am scared. What if I fail? And worse: what if I do NOTHING and therefore fail. This has been a trend with me inthe past. I am a worrier and I fear being uncomfortable or making others uncomfortable by pressuring them to buy something I am selling.......who thinks this much? I shouldnt it has never served me well. I am going to break this trend here and now, I am typing it out therefore it is REAL - I will succeed, I will follow thru and do my best to earn money while selling somethign I truly enjoy. I can do this. Just like losing weight, I can lose my fear by driving past it and not letting it control me. I CAN DO IT!!!!! August 24th - 262#'s
Back from HAWAII~~~~ what a trip. WE got in late yesterday afternoon and my entire family is confused, is it day or night? We dont know since it is a 6 hour difference. I got on the scale this morning in anticipation to see if I had gained or stayed the same since eating was REALLY DIFFICULT while on vacation. It turns out I lost about 5 lbs which I am happy with! I threw up yesterday in Phoenix airport toilets - the worst vomiting experience to date - after sharing a breakfast with the family of eggs, toast and potatoe squares. It was the potatoes that got me Im sure of it since the greaseyness was what I tasted coming back up ( Gross, I know)I threw up 3 other times while there and felt quesasy a few more times. IT was just hard to eat right when I was eating out all the time for 2 weeks - so in that sense I am happy to be back. But it was beautiful and we had a great time. July 22nd~
276#'s~ A quick post because I just started back at the gym in full force. I had a trainer show me how to use all the weight training/strength training machines and WOW!! are they tough. Also I've worked out twice on the elliptical - 20 minutes and was sweating buckets. I hope this makes a difference in the weight loss and more importantly on the sagginess Im feeling already.
August 9~
267.5 - typing 1 handed while my sweet, sick baby girl sits on my lap -off to hawaii 2 marrow - soo self conscoius about my size but at same time, thrilled w/progress - feeling good cept the puking issues- I think no more chicken for me :-(
I m not sure but I feel compelled to write about how Ive been feeling. I have these backand forth swings in my mood. I am thrilled as I wrote before about my weight loss - I cant remember how old I was last when I weighed this little. I still have great regret and guilt for letting myself get so heavy and still, I dont know why or how I let it happen. I wake up each day knowing, for a fact, that I have not gained weight due to overeating, no matter how much pms I have or how upset I am by something - I simply cannot overeat my worries away. And Ive tried, its soo stupid,but I pushto see how far I can go, and I puke, and I get angry with myself but then I remind myself thats its an ALL NEW ME, and I have to relearn how to cope. And I cut myself some slack. I remember back in Feb of this year thinking I couldnt let another year go by, not one more day in fact, I wanted to have the surgery and get on with life, and find myself unde the layers of fat that have been holding me back for 2 decades. I have fear - I realize this now, my fears are strong and deep and unlike anything I can really articulate but I eat to fight back the fear. I NEVER take action, and I want to take ACTION A=against the fear. I want to really live and sometimes fail, but ...then so what? Ive read or heard it said that you dont really live until you take chances. Im always afraid of taking chances because I might fail - where did I learn that failure was the worst thing that can happen. I've also heard it said that you learn and grow from failure and so I need to do more of all those things. I want to. And this surgery, this weight loss means so much more to me than just my appearance. Its means finding ME again and so far I like what I am discovering about myself. Hawaii here I come - all 267 pounds of me, and if that isnt good enough for anyone else - to HELL WITH THEM!!!!
July 20th~~
Today I weigh 277.....sooo slow slow slow...my sister cant believe how little I lose with how little I eat. I know I know I tell her, try living in this body. Ive begun keeping a journal at home to track my progress of weight loss and it turns out that last month I lost 14 lbs and so far this month Im at 11 lb loss. Perspective is what I need since this is the 1st time in forever that I have been losing weight, and for that I am happy. I just keep working on keeping my expectations in check. Its more or less the fear of my doing something wrong, or that it wont happen for me. The fear that I will stop losing weight and be stuck at 277lbs forever. I shudder at the thought. But you know what? I am finally not horrified at my weight. I think I am beginning to look good - while I have so far to go still, I can see that my shrinking stomach has improved the way my back feels and my posture looks better too. I look as if I am slightly taller. I smile because I am enjoying the journey and not obsessing over the ##'s ( ok, well, maybe a little obsessing) :-) July 13th~~~
I'm at 279.5 today! Its been a struggle to get here - its that TOM and so this week has been excruciating - just like when I was a teenager. Why pms and the cramps are soo much worse since surgery I dont know. But the past few days have been tough. Im happy though that I've reached unchartered territory , Im in the 270's so that makes me smile..progress slow and steady!
July 4th - Happy Independence Day!!!
I am now at 283.5 - yahoo!!! This is the lowest recorded weight of my adult ( over 21) life. I was so busy denying the weight gain and terrified I couldnt stop it, that I never stepped onthe scale between the ages of 22 - 28 yrs old. Amazing isnt it? I will NEVER bury my head in the sand again when it comes to my health! Its funny because while I am still soooo heavy by anyone's estimation, I feel really great. I am only 1.5 lbs from losing 60 lbs since I began this process - I feel like that is truly an accomplishment that I can be proud of. Today has been, unusually a bad day. I woke up with a stomach ache - for lack of a better word. I have pains, like gas pains and I have taken 2 pepcids, and 3 gas -x tabs and Ive seen some minor relief but not much. I mean, if it were gas, I would think those meds would knock it out - but life after surgery is soo different - nothing is quite the same, so we'll see. Part of me worries its an obstruction, or leak, or some other unknown horrible thing that will take me back to the hospital. The rational side says, chill, wait it out - you'll feel better soon. I was kinda crazy with eating the past 2 days.....I have terrible pms and I have been eating peanuts like they are going out of style - the salt is amazing!! I wish I could just have a salt lick instead. Crazy, well, since I havent been feeling well today Ive taken it easy - has an egg and cheese omlete for breakfast, can of chick noodle soup for lunch oatmeal for dinner and protein shakes, and sf choc pudding for snacks.
June 26th, 06
HAPPINESS!!!!
I have lost 51lbs FOREVER!!!! I'm at 291 and I finally see the difference in myself. And strangely enough, everyone this past weekend has told me how I look like Ive lost weight, and how good I look. Its funny to feel good about weighing nearly 300 lbs but I do. Im told my face shows the weightloss the most, although, truthfully I think I look the same. Ive tried to get in exericise each day, and although Im not doing aerobic workouts, I find that a yoga class, bike riding and walking are keeping me feeling healthy and Im having fun doing those things. It doesnt feel like a hardship. When I walk my shins and ankles dont hurt so much and that is a blessing - I havent felt pain free of course but I cant say how long its been since a 2 mile walk hasnt knocked the wind out of me because my feet simply didnt want to hold me up any longer. On the negative side, I do notice that my arms are huge. I mean they are enormous and I am embarressed by them, but I dont care as long as I continue to lose weight. Hopefully losing weight will equal increased self esteem ( although I dont think it works like that) I can hope. And I do. For the 1st time, in so long I cant remember I have hope for myself. And that feels wonderful!
June 18, 2006
A MUCH Better week. I'm finally seeing the scale move again, my weights at 293, and I didnt vomit once last week - until yesterday I was awesome, but I drank water 5 minutes after eating dinner and I felt sooooo sick because of it. I rested for a while and it passed thankfully, because after eating such a healthy balanced protein rich dinner I didnt want to consider throwing it all up. It was Fathers Day and I wanted to have good memories of it. And now I do! YEAH!!! I have still been weighing in daily and I trying to focus more on excercise and water and its made a HUGE difference!
OK - MY FIRST WOW MOMENT!!!! I went for a bike ride with my son and my daughter - I rode my daughter on the back of my bike. I actually took up both!! YEAH! I love going for bike rides and being and doing physical fun things with my kids - this is TRULY a 1st for me. YEAH!!!! June 14th, 06,
Im pretty bummed out today so I decided I should write it down here, I woke up feeling this way. My weight hovers between 295-300 depending on which day I get on the scale. I am weighing everyday but that was for encouragement and now its turned against me. I hate this!! Also going crappy is food. I consistently throw up. If I drink from my propel water bottle, like I am right now, I sometimes get too much air and get the hick ups which make me feel like puking! If I eat too quickly, which I do when Im with my family or not focused for any reason, I eat to quickly or too much and I vomit. Actually I feel sick as a dog and then after much back and forth I make myself throw up. I HATE doing it but always feel better after. I worry about protein and water, I threw up 4 times last week and the week before. I feel like this is a full time job and when my head isnt in it - Idont lose weight or I get sick. And when I do well, I feel overjoyed and tell my husband, like yesterday, "honey I wasnt sick at all today" YEah me! Its a weird lifestyle. And EVERYONE wants to know how much weight Ive lost. And I HATE THAT!!!! I feel like I want to say "I dont know" cause its going slowly, and the scale does this back and forth with me with these 5 lbs and I havent lost anyweigh in the past nearly...2 weeks so there - THATS how Im doing!! But they mean well, despite my crabbiness here, I know most ppl mean well. And while no one can tell in my body most say my face looks slimmer - yeah, right. Its feels like the compliment I used to get, "McGee, you have pretty skin"...except now its "you have a slimmer face" uh huh! thanks:-( June 4th
- I have reached my 1st goal - I am below 300!! I weighed in this am at 299...yeah! I am officially believing in myself and this surgery now. I am happy :-) June 2nd, 06
Im 1 month out. I've lost a total of 40 lbs since my preop diet and 18 inches total. Its certainly encouraging. Ive only just begun eating real food this past week with mixed success. Ive thrown up twice and had some mjr pain in my throat.....overeating or not chewing or whatever it is I do wrong sometimes really is a problem since I PAY dearly - almost immediately. I really struggle sometimes with emotional eating - I know Im not hungry but I think of food a lot. I miss Panera Bread the most. The sandwiches, lattes, etc....I miss eating and reading a book. I miss the relaxing effect it had on me. Ive been a bit high strung since surgery. Physically I feel better. Holdingmy daughter is easier and my husband says he can see and feel a difference. I still wear a size 26 but they are reallllllly loose on me now -yeah!!!!! May 11th,
I got my long drain tube removed tuesday. I still have the one onmy left side, the side that aches and bothers me the most. I hate the side pain I feel achey overall, but I cant complain. ITs spring so that means that the pollen is flying and I am coughing all the time and that hurts too. Mornings are rough, and I get to feeling better as the day goes on. I've lost a total of 23 # so far sice Easter. Yeah! I still dont believe this will continue working for me. Isnt that crazy? I know the surgery has worked, but I have never had long term weight loss success....so it hasnt sunk in that this will continue to work as long as I follow the program. I can say one thing for sure - I havent eaten food in 12 days and I am NOT HUNGRY!!! I FELL NO PHYSICAL HUNGER AT ALL AND IT IS WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5/07/06
YEAH I DID IT> I MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE. I am so happy. Well, Im, trying to be so happy. I have 2 drain tubes, lots of pain, and I have to inject myself in the stomach 2 x a day, so nope, Im not really ***HAPPY**** as I wish....but I am hopeful I will be happy with my decision soon. I feel isolated and alone. I dont eat with my family, I cant pick up or hug or snuggle my babies and that is the hardest part of this whole thing. REAlly its all how I am not interacting with my family that is killing me. I am happy I did this. I do feel well - I mean, it was major surgery as my DH keeps pointing out, and I have a right to sleep most of the day and walk slowly and sip water and burp the rest of the time without feeling guilty. But I do. I feel awful. I feel selfish, but I keep the hope alive in my heart that this will all be worth it in a few more weeks and I will see some improvements in my health and attitde and the more I can be a part of life the happier I will become I just know it. Ya know somehting weird? I have weird, deep sleeps- day and night - and its hard to wake from them and when I do, its with a start and I am groggy and upset most of the time. I wonder if that is normal I used to be alight sleepier but not anymore. Might have something to do with these open wounds???? Or the anesthesia??? I hope my next post brings me closer to fine..haha! Like the song, "closer to fine" by the indigo girls, love 'em!!! 4/29/07 6 a.m. awake~~~DID NOT sleep very well. I am anxious as HELL now. Where is that calm, "zen" attitude I had been feeling? Drinking what might be my last cup of coffee for a while....thats my thought right now. Why is it Im freaking out over getting what I've fought for? What I want? What I need> What I'm sure will make my life better for me, my husband and children? Aggitated - thats how I feel. Wish I had a yoga class to go to right now, that would help. 4/27/06 Today is my baby's 1st Birthday!!! Its a beautiful cool sunny spring day and everyone in my family is healthy and happy and I feel soo lucky to have this moment. I have been on my one meal day/liquid protein diet for the past 10 days and I feel great. I have energy and Im not struggling as much as I did the last time I went through this. I have my crazy moments, but really I keep busy and my mind off of food and I dont crave anything right now. I am excited about the surgery and I am looking forward to being home from the hospital and feeling betterand better each day and experiencing life as a thin person - which is my goal. I do not want to be chubby or overweight - I WILL reach my goal! For me thats 160#....and I know it wont be easy, and its a loooonnnggg way away, I will weigh myself at the chiropractor on Saturday after my adjustment as I did last week. 1 month ago I was 342, 2 weeks ago 338, last Saturday 328 and this Sat??????????? 3/28/06 Fitday.com is amazing - however it showed tme that yesterday ( which wa s atypical eating day for me) I ate nearly 4000 calories!!!! What a wake up call. Today I am going to begin my preop planning...not a liquid diet just yet, i have a month still for that, but I am going to do protein first, veggies/fruits then carbs and see how it goes - fitday will let me know if I make a difference...also i began walking again - my commitment to getting up and getting out - the weather has warmed above 40 so that helps!!! This site has been such a great tool forum for me to get my healthy habits going and bad ones in check - I love it! 3/27/06 Today my baby girl is 11 months old!!! :-)
I am taking the Emotional Eating On-Line class offered through this site and I LOVE IT! I am learning so much about myself, my habits and the why's of my over eating. Im wondering now, if merely identifying the triggers will help me to cope? Hmm, we'll see soon enough..... 3/25/06 Alright, so Im over feeling sorry for myself, that attitude was pretty ugly. I am however feeling very strange about how my friends are reacting to the surgery. I weigh 342 lbs right now, thats huge - even for me. I peaked at 351 April 2005 right before I delivered my beautiful baby girl, and my lowest ( in the past 10 yrs) is 285 #'s. So here I am, in my size 26/28's busting out of all the 3X's and still people who love me think this is really a drastic measure. It is, of course, but not unwarranted. My husbands completely with me, wonderful man he is, and my sister, but no one else. Mostly they dont talk about it. I feel liberated, hopeful and am looking forward to my future because I know this will CHANGE MY LIFE.
I want to walk up the stairs in my home without feeling out of breath.
I want to play on the floor with active little boy and wrestle...
I want my husband to be able to put his arms all the way around me
I want to get in the front seat of my and everyone elses cars/suvs/minivans and not worry the seat belt wont reach around me
I want to get into bed at night and not feel it move
I want my son not to say that at halloween if we chose a family Harry Potter theme, that I would best be Hagrid because of my "big round tummy"
I want to to feel pretty
I want to run....just for the heck of it
I want to shop at Old Navy with the rest of my family
I want to chase after my baby girl, who just started walking
I want to ride my bike without worrying it can hold me
I want to lose the dimles, and cottage cheese thighs! yuck!!!!!
I want to feel lovely
I want to be in control of my body
I want to be FREE!!! 3-20-06 I posted my picture last week - not sure when it'll appear on the site -want to update my profile, make it nicer to look at. Also, I just FELL! AGAIN, this is the 3rd fall I've had in 4 months! C'mon thats pathetic. I am only 36 years old and I never used to fall, but lately it's like the weight I've gained with the baby, the #'s I havent lost from that coupled with my actual everyday just because fattness has made me topple over and I'm angry. Im angry with myself for getting to this point. To make matters worse I was holding my baby girl when I tried(unsuccessfully) to step over the baby gate. She is fine, Thank you God, but I twisted my knee and my wrist hurts catching myself so as not to put any weight on her when I hit the floor. In fact, now that I think of it, I have no idea how I managed to fall over, and keep her in my arms and off the floor. Amazing! She has/we have, a guardian angel Im sure of it. I just want to be a "normal" person. For once in my life I want to feel in control of my body and not do stupid things like fall down. What a pity party Im having..... 3-16-06 I just told the group Im involved with at church about my surgery and they were amazingly supportive. Because I have a baby I need to carry, pick up etc..I know I need to make arrangements for help in my home and I think I am going to get more help than I knew through church members. I am so gratified to know how much people care and are willing to help me while I recover.
Also, I met with a therapist today. I told him I needed to figure out how to cope with emotional overeating, and how to make the most of what the surgery will do for me physically, I need to do for myself emotionally. So while I'm losing weight I learn new ways to cope with anxiety and stress.
3-14-06 Okay, going back to the original surgeon, further away but he still performs the RYN and I dont have to redo everything. Im getting some paperwork that has to be sent in, etc. but I was able to set the date: May 1st!!! I am overwhelmed but so happy!
3-2-06 Decided to go through with this entire process - again!! Different surgeon and hospital - both cloer to home. Psych eval and everything has to be a re-do because it being 1 1/2 years later. The happy news is that I have a beautiful daughter now and my son adores her as much as my husband and I.
9-20-04 I cant believe I have to type this. I DIDNT have the surgery. I was ready, had my iv in my arm when the doctor came in and told me I was pregnant! We have been trying for over 2 years and I couldnt believe it. Talk about getting what you ask for. I have had a week of mixed emotions. I was thrilled and shocked to discover I was pregnant. I was extrememly disappointed that I wasnt having my surgery, and have to continue living in this huge body. I am determined to followq through with this after the baby is born, but will I be ready then? It took soo much work and a certain mind set to get myself and my family prepared for this. It was an ordeal and I who knows if I will be able to do this after having a newborn. My short term goal is to maintain the weightloss since my preop liquid diet. I'm 12-15 pounds lighter, depending on what Ive eaten and time of day, and Im going to keep it that way. I would love to lose 16 more lbs to get below a certain ###, but I dont know if that is possible being pregnant or safe even. I still look at this web site for inspiration to keep exercising, and remind myself it is possible to become a normal size person.
9-11-04 Barely slept last night;woke up with an anxiety attack that wouldnt go away. Finally, my only relief came in the form of 2 xanax, which left me passed out on the couch while my son watched Saturday morning cartoons. Not my shining moment as a parent, that's for sure. I woke up a few hours later, groggy but no longer filled with dread and panic. The rest of the day was a lovely time spent with my husband and son, renting a recliner for when I come home, purchasing a pillow for more comfort at the hospital and a digital scale to weigh my progress over the next 2 years. So, just one more day to get through, and despite my anxiety attack this morning, I know this will be great for me.
9-10-04 I'm hungry!! I have been on this "diet" for the past 12 days where I can eat one meal a day and drink shakes for my other meals. It was hard in the beginning, easy in the middle and its hard again. I just made pizza and salad for my family and it smelled so good and I am hungry. Its that time of the month too - except because of my nerves, it ISNT that time and Im afraid of it happening while Im under anesthesia(sp?). Yuck!!! I am excited for this to happen - scared of the pain, and being in a hospital with strangers around me and me feeling vulnerable. I will miss my son too, I hate leaving him. But I keep focusing on the positive = that I'll come home a better mom, a better person, and a happier one. Seeing that written down makes me want to laugh, afterall, I know the surgery itself wont make me happy - but feeling in control of my weight and how much I eat will make me happy.
8-26-04 I went to Harper Hospital today and met with the anestesiologist(sp?), had my blood drawn and signed some insurance papers. I requested a private room so I could have my sister stay a night with me. I know I will be scared afterward, alone and in pain - it will make a tremendous difference to have her there to help me through the 1st night. No one is sure whether she can stay, apparently it depends on the nurse in charge. Here's to hoping I have a nice nurse. My family is beginning to rally around me now in support. My in-laws are skeptical because it is such a drastic step and because they havent had the opportunity to absorb this in the time my immediate family has. I have thought about this since 2000 after my son was born. I myself hoped I could lose weight without this but realized that this is my only chance to have the life I dream of. My father in law asked me, "why dont you just eat less?" That is a question I just can't answer expect to say I have tried, but I dont know why. I wonder if I ever will.
8-24-04 I can't believe it but it finally happened. I am approved! Well, from what I understand my insurance doesn't require preapproval but the insurance dept of the hospital approves you based on all your tests and info they have. I was told they submit for payment after surgery. Regardless they gace me the "go ahead" today and on top of that, someone else cancelled their surgery and I slipped into their spot. Sept 13th is my date! 7:30 am - the 1st surgery of the day...what a way tostart my week. I am so excited!! Zira told me I had to start my liquid diet next Monday. Yahoo!!!! I cant wait to start my new life with a new stomach where I don't/can't over eat. I've never felt so happy to lose something in my entire life.
8-06-04 I went in today and had my EGD. I was very nervous but it wasn't a bad experience. Its more of the unknown that freaks me out. I didn't realize how "out of it" I would be for the rest of the day though; wish I had accepted the help that was offered to me. Live and Learn. Hopefully all of my presurgical requirements are now met and we can get the insurance approval so I can get a date set for surgery. I'm anxious and excited.
