krizzti
My First OH Blog - January 3, 2010
Jan 02, 2010
Surgery is scheduled for January 20th. That's only 17 days away. It was around 4:30 this morning when that really hit me.
I was originally planned to have surgery on November 25, 2009 - the day before Thanksgiving. I chickened out approximately 2 weeks before. I'm still not exactly sure why I got cold feet, but I know I was dreading giving up my 'way of life' - i.e. McDonald's, Starbucks, and snacking my way through the evening while sitting on my favorite chair in front of the TV.
Two things changed my mind. First of all, one of the staff from the sugeon's office called to talk to me about why I changed my mind. She didn't call me the day after I scheduled, she called about a week later. She didn't beg me to come in, she didn't make me feel guilty for wasting everyone's time. The point that sticks out in my head today, and that prompted me to re-think surgery, was "You are exactly the type of candidate that's perfect for this surgery..." followed by the reasons why. I told her I would think about it and call her back with my decision. On my way home that night, I realized that the huge life change that I was afraid of (giving up McD's, Starbucks, etc.) was already done. When I started the Couch Potato to 5K running program in August, I basically gave up McD's without much thought. I no longer crave it or sneak it or enjoy it at all, really. I had also cut back on my Starbucks Drive-Thru chocolatey frothy treats to twice a week and wasn't missing it during the days between.
Then I thought about how I would regret NOT having surgery. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate having my picture taken. I do not let my husband see me or touch me. I terminated all social activity because I am embarassed to be seen in public. I'm uncomfortable, I hate the clothes that DO sort of fit me, I was crushed over the summer when I couldn't go on rides at Valleyfair with my daughters because I was too large to fit in the seats (I could fit in some, but was terribly uncomfortable and prayed for the ride to be over!) - - Was I really going to MISS this 'way of life' if I had surgery? I called the surgeon's office back the next morning to re-schedule.
As of today, I am three pounds shy of my weight loss goal set by my surgeon. My weight fluctuates quite a bit; earlier in the week I came in one pound less than goal weight, and two days I was AT goal weight. A combination of strep throat and sub-zero temperatures have hindered my morning runs (okay, let's be honest, they're walks with a little running tossed in for good measure! ha ha) so I'm hoping to get out tomorrow and Wednesday morning so I can be at goal weight for my weigh-in on Wednesday afternoon.
And just a short background on my weight leading up to today... I was always one of the heavier kids in my class. In 8th grade I developed a crush on a boy, so I walked my dog into town quite frequently - about a mile each way. Over the course of that summer I went from a size 10 to a size 7. By age 17 I was a size 5, but this was after three years in an abusive relationship with a lunatic who was huge on body image as well as controlling everything I did - including eating/not eating. The day after I left him, I found myself gorging on brownies and whatever else was available, and have steadily gained weight ever since. For four years I worked in a jail, which kept my weight somewhat steady (although still considered obese) but when I changed to a desk job in April 2006, I gained 20 pounds by my wedding on June 2. I gained an additional 45 pounds after that. Yikes.
I'm not scared of surgery now. In fact I'm looking forward to it. I've started stocking the fridge with sugar-free jello and applesauce and pudding cups and various flavored waters. I've got some protein shake samples on the way. Still steering clear of McD's and not missing it. Starbucks still sees me once a week; this will be a difficult one. So is the smoking. I found that it was easy to lure myself into a morning walk/run if I knew it began and ended with a super secret smokey treat in the driveway. A bit harder to get out of bed knowing I don't have that smokey carrot dangling in front of my face anymore.
Okay. I'm done rambling. :)
k
