how im feeling

Feb 09, 2009

Ijust smoked my last newport today hopefully and i go for my first visit with the surgeon on this saturday i can't wait i have not been sleeping well at night cause my mind is so focused on getting my health on point that it seems like i have no time to rest i be thinking about how i'm ready to Do what so many others have done which is have wls and work their tool. i am a little scared that maybe God might get mad at me for doing something to my body as serious as surgery cause i think he may have meant for me to be the way i am meaning he made us all differant sizes and i'm just as gulity as the ones getting their booty titts and lips done. i am and have been praying that he forgive me for the damage i already did to my body by becoming obese and lead me on the right path if it be his will. i am going to write letters to all my family before i have the surgery to let them know how much i love them. THEY THINK I SHOULD TRY OTHER THINGS FIRST IM LIKE JUST BECAUSE I DONT TELL YALL EVERYTHING I DO TOI TRY AND LOOSE WEIGHT DONT MEAN IM NOT TRYING. I HAVE BEEN TRYING SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER. THEY DONT KNOW CAUSE I'M THE ONE THAT HAD TO LIVE WITH BEING OVER WEIGHT AND GETTING TEASED FOR IT ALL THE TIME. FEELS LIKE ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT LIKE OPRAH SAID IN COLOR PURPLE. THATS HOW I FELT I WAS ALWAYS FIGHTING AND NOW I'M STILL FIGHTING BUT THIS TIME IT'S A FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I'M NOT HAPPY EVEN THOUGH A PERSON COULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL. I WALK AROUND WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE ALL THE TIME BUT INSIDE IM REALLY SAD. I WANT CHILDREN I WANT A FAMILY I WANT GUYS TO STOP CHEATING ON ME. I FEEL LIKE ALL THE GUYS I EVER DATED CHEATED CAUSE I WAS FAT THAT HAD TO BE IT BECASUEI WAS I DAMN GOOD WOMAN ALWAYS SO WILLING TO DO WHATEVER TO PLEASE MY MAN THATS JUST ME TRYING TO MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE HAPPY BUT WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY HAPPINESS. I WENT TO MY FRIEND CHRUCH FOR THE SECOUND TIME ON SUNDAY AND THIS MAN ASKED ME THAT AND HE DONT EVEN KNOW ME LIKE THAT HE SAID YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY 24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU AND HE IS RIGHT I AM 27 ITS TIME I START THINKING ABOUT ME. TO BE HONEST THOUGH AFTER SO LONG OF BEING FAT YOU GET TIRED OF TRYING TO GET SKINNY AND I HAD STARTED TRICKING MYSELF INTO BELIEVEING I WAS SKINNY AND I AM ON THE INSIDE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I'M OBESE AND I NEED HELP AND THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE. I WILL MAKE IT I CAN DO IT AND GOD HAS GOT MY BACK SO I'M GONNA CLAIM MY BLESINGS AND TAKE BACK MY LIFE THE DEVIL CANT STILL MT JOY EVEN THOUGH HE TRYING HARD TO. LIKE I MIGHT NOT BE ON HERE FOR A WHILE CAUSE IM RENTING A COMPUTER FROM RENT A CENTER AND THEY PUNKING ME SO TODAY THEY WILL BE GETTING IT BACK UNTIL I CAN AFFORD TO BUY ONE BUT I'LL BE BACK TO UPDATE MY PAGE SOON AS I CAN THATS JUST THE DEVIL TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY SUPPORT SYSTEM

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