lovey063
Back Again!
Apr 23, 2011
I forgot to look at the date on my last post, but it's been a while! I just wanted to get away from all the RNY stuff - I was tired of it being such a focus. And... I had a little boy in 2003 that has had many health issues which have, this year, just settled down and we matter-of-factly deal with them now. Those are my reasons for getting away from here, but the truth probably is that I gave up a bit on me and took care of everything/everyone but me. I'm 47 yrs old and starting to feel it (and older) big time. I played basketball with my oldest son, his friend & father and for three days afterwards I felt horrible, JUST HORRIBLE!!! Well, I know I should not have played in Crocs, but that was what I was wearing - and I just HAD to play - so I'm sure that played a part in my post-game pain, but I know it was mostly because of all the weight I've put on. I have not been able to get below 200 lbs to save my soul!!! And when I got close to 200 pounds I became anxious and self defeating. The last time I remember being in the 190s I really felt good about myself, was in a profession with a lot of males and got a lot of attention and I loved it!! While I don't want to go back there (I'm married with two boys now and not interested in shopping around if you know what I mean!) I would like to feel good like that again. So I have a lot of changes coming up in my life and I'd like to make getting healthier one of them.
The other big change is... I'm going back to work after a 12 year lapse. So in order to do that I have to go back to school for a semester to renew my nursing license. I'm very scared about this as I have two, or rather 3 things working against me... #1 My age and I'm premenopausal so my brain is mush or even absent at times, #2 I have a learning disability and school is tough for me - I have to put a LOT of effort into it - much more than the "normal" student, and #3 Kids, husband - that's at work a lot (24hr shifts), a dog ;-) and a house with all that goes with that. So I have a lot of stress coming up and don't have a healthy way of dealing with my food issues. I can't afford to gain any more weight. Even tho I've had a RNY I've managed to gain about 50-60 lbs. I'm hoping that with all I'll have to do that it will leave me with little time to focus on or obsess about food. That's the idea, but I have been wrong before and secretly I don't think this will help me with my food issues, but instead magnify them.
So I'm looking into ways to support a healthier relationship with food or rather to end the relationship period!! I probably need to find a therapist or go back to my old one. Maybe join an OA group. Get more active on here at OH. And I need to GET ACTIVE, EXERCISE, even if it's just walking on a regular schedule.
I've updated my profile here, added my measurements & weight and am using the resources here on this site. Hopefully I can do this this time. Actually, I am suppose to say I WILL DO THIS THIS TIME!! Wish me luck and please say a prayer for HIS strength to carry me. Bye for now.
Long time no blog!!!
Mar 03, 2007
Where do I start? Well.... I'm down to 225 from 332 so that's 107 lbs in just about 8 months - not bad!!! Not bad especially since my old eating habits are very much alive and well. I am almost at the weight I was when I met my husband 14-15 yrs ago. I can also fit into his pants now and they're even a little baggy. My husband isn't thrilled but I am!!! We took our boys tubing in Pa and my bottom fit into the tube and not just on top of the tube. I even bought myself a pair of snow pants, on Sale!, because I could find my size! All of me really stayed warm and we had a great time. No sitting on the sidelines, I was out there and in the action!! We went with two other families and one of the men gave me a really nice compliment about how far i've come and how good I look. It felt really uncomfortable being complimented but at the same time it's nice to be noticed!!!
There's good stuff and the tough stuff...It is a daily battle to do what's good for me and not drift back to bingeing and using food to cope. I'm in a 10 week support group that works on all the mental/emotional stuff of obesity and post op coping. I really enjoy the group. We're at different stages: 2 post ops and 2 pre-op, but we're all in the same boat so to speak. I'm taking baby steps forward but at least it's forward a majority of the time!
I'd like to write more but am B-E-A-T so I'll close now and hopefully get back here soon. Thanks for checking in and I hope you're doing well. Take care!
Nearly 5 months out
Nov 23, 2006
I think I've got a bit of a depression going on. Before when I've been depressed it usually presents itself as irritability. Now I'm not particularly irritable but I am sad, I don't really receive pleasure in the fact that I've lost 80+ pounds and have a new body. I need to check back with the Dr prescribing my medication to see if there is a change we can make to help with my mood. My nutritionist says, "fake it until you make it!" So that's what I did yesterday... I got a new outfit, jeans (updated jeans!!!) and a collared button down blouse. I was back and forth about whether I'd wear it on Thanksgiving Day or not. I really don't like drawing attention to myself and on Thanksgiving I was going to see some people that I hadn't seen since way before my surgery. At the last minute I decided to "Fake It" and I wore the outfit. I'm glad I wore it, I felt more confident and although only my brother out of 14 people at the dinner said he noticed I lost quite a bit of weight, I know the others noticed as well - they were just being schmucks. Don't you just love those family get-togethers!!?
I have to work on my new grazing habit. I eat a little bit here and there throughout the day instead of eating 3 meals and two snacks a day. It's hard to sit down and eat when there's so much to do around the house and the kids are occupied with a meal. We always eat dinner together, but b-fast and lunch are easy to skip out on and do chores.
That's about it for now. I'm at 247 lbs and counting! I've got to gather up nerve again and take some more pictures. That's my challenge this month! Take care!
4 months and still plugging along!!!
Nov 14, 2006
Well, it's really 4 months and 8 days, but who's counting!!
I'm not used to this new body being 80 lbs lighter! I went out to eat with my family and the hostess walked us to a booth. I looked at the booth and thought, "I can't fit into there, I hope I can move the table some." When I sat down the table was way far away, I had to lean forward to hold over my plate!!! Weird how my mind's body perception hasn't caught up to my body yet. I still am using food as a comfort. I am working on retiring this old, destructive habit. Because of this habit I've found out I don't dump. Some fatty foods make my stomach feel uncomfortable, but sweets are no big deal! It's gonna be a big deal when my weight loss slows down in a few months and then I start gaining weight thereafter!!! So I have to get a grip on this. I am working with a counselor but there is no major breakthrough in this department.
My first blog - old info transferred to new profile!
Oct 26, 2006
September 26, 2005
I am a 42 yo mother of 2 young boys, 2 yrs and 6 1/2 yrs, and wife to a very supportive husband. I grew up being a very active, tomboy, sorta girl. I played sports all through primary, middle, high school and college. I always thought I was fat because I was always the biggest kid in the class and I had a sister with a great body that got a lot of attention because of her nice figure. Now that I look back at pictures of myself as a child...I was a fine weight, cute even! I just happened to be a big person, tall and muscular. Too bad I didn't realize this back then!
I have terrible self esteem issues and am not very good at taking care of myself. I now HAVE to take care of myself because my body is starting to rebel. I have a bad ankle, my knees are starting to hurt more and more, my shoulder joints hurt and it's hard to sleep on my side because of the pain. I have carpal tunnel in both hands (which started when I was pregnant with my second son) and I believe hasn't gone away because of my weight. I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea (my husband says I snore terribly) and my back can't stand this extra weight either. I am very much on the sidelines instead of participating in life. I am being treated for depression which could be caused by obesity and/or genetics??
I'm scared to move forward and have the surgery but I don't want to stay like this either. I've been researching A LOT and am on this website sometimes several times a day. I see a lot of people raving about their new lives since WLS and sure I'm envious but I can't help thinking that the down side to this surgery isn't stated enough. I want to know exactly what I'm getting myself into. I also would like a guarantee that my surgery and life thereafter will be as great as I hear said. But I realize that's asking a bit much and there are few guarantees in life!
So I'll research WLS to death, until I'm comfortable enough that I'm as informed as I'm going to be, and I'll more than likely have this surgery. I have to also start finding substitutes for my very destructive coping tools...FOOD and BINGEING!!! I have started my 6 month supervised diet and have several surgeons I'm considering. So that's me and where I stand in my WLS journey. Thanks for looking me up!
December 17, 2005
Well, I made an appointment with a surgeon and am going face-to-face with my questions. Just about everything I read and the seminars I go to review info I've already heard from one source or another. I have been researching this to death!!! The big thing that bothers me is how individual everyone's experience seems to be. It's hard to get an idea of how it will be for me after WLS.
I know this is going to sound pitiful but here goes...right now I'm obese but can take care of myself and family ok. If I were to have surgery I'd need help and would potentially become quite a burden if complications came down the road. So while I'm fat now it's only me being affected badly, not my family. I would hate to have to put them through the problems of my bad decisions with regard to surgery. I know me being obese affects them now, but it mostly affects me and that's the way I'd like to keep it. Sounds dumb I know but that's feelings...they don't always make sense. I guess I've had to rely on myself from a very young age and it's hard to imagine being vulnerable or needy. I realize obesity and comorbidities could also put me in a vulnerable, needy state but I don't seem to have control over that. I can't seem to lose this weight. Food is such a comfort and companion; could I exist without that source of support?? Would I be worse off? It would be terrible if I couldn't have the food I needed for support, terrible side effects to deal with plus have to take care of my young boys! I just don't know. I j u s t d o n ' t k n o w!!!! Ugh, I wish someone with all the answers would tell me what to do. But no such person exists do they?!?!? RATS!!!!
January 1st, 2006
Well, I'm just sitting here reading all the latest updates to various profiles while eating a piece of cake at 11:00 pm!! I'm really not in a good place right now. I almost feel as if I've given up on myself and this humongous body. I'm frozen in one place right now with my poor eating habits that are killing me. Reading the profiles and posts does help me realize I'm not the only poor lonely fat person to be so overwhelmed and sad about how obese I've gotten.
I did finally make an appointment with a surgeon, Dr Michael Schweitzer, on March 20th. I'll have finished my 6 month supervised diet by then. I'm really pushing myself to move forward but am doing so kicking and screaming, it's such a battle. I have this little sliver of hope that I'm clinging to - that perhaps this surgery could give me my life back. I know it will be hard work. It's kinda like I have to dig a very long tunnel with my bare hands. Well it is very discouraging thinking about doing it with no tools. Give me a spade and there is hope that I will actually get somewhere. So perhaps with this "tool" I can construct the tunnel I need in order to travel to a better life, a more satisfying life, a more healthy existence!
I am also looking at another surgeon, Dr Kligman. I went to one of his information sessions but have not scheduled an appointment yet. I really want a surgeon that has done a lot of these RNYs so that hopefully the chances of complications are minute. I think that is one of the big things that really makes me hesitate to have this surgery..the possible complications down the road. And it's not like after the first month or two you're out of the woods. Years can go by and one pops up. I understand if I'm not doing what I need to and not following the "pouch rules" and there are complications, but I can be 100% compliant and have serious problems also! So getting a very experience surgeon will hopefully help my odds in that he/she has worked out all the kinks and perfected their technique so that complications are minimal if at all.
On the supervised diet front...I'm failing. I think I've actually gained weight! Some diet huh?! I am looking into seeing an endocrinologist for a possible PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrone) diagnosis. This may shed some light on some of my weight issues,however, the biggest issue still remains to be what I put in my mouth! I'm really trying to prioritize my health, put it at the top of my list of things to do, and taking care of this PCOS is a part of this goal.
That's it for now. I'm making progress but very slowly. This is a pretty life changing decision so maybe that's just what I need to do and how slow I need to go!! I never was one to just jump into something impulsively without researching it to death!
Happy New Year...2006!
January 14, 2006
I called John Hopkins to set up a sleep study and found myself in a research study. I had the pulmonary function test and they took blood for artierial blood gases (ABGs) this past week. The blood draw for this test wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be...I was a brave little soldier!! ;-) On Monday night, 16th, I'll have the actual sleep there sleep study. I dread the thought of having to wear a CPAP mask as I'm sure I have sleep apnea. And I'm sure it will be a hit with my husband..."ooo baby roll over here and let me see you in your mask!!!" that otta stoke up the ole embers, huh? LOL Well, all the more incentive to get all this fat off my bones! I continue to stalk the message boards, occationally responding. But honestly I have little to offer in the way of a response to most of the posts. I'm an infant in this process and learning more and more every day. I'm still not certain about whether I'll have WLS but I will have the consult with the surgeon to get my questions about the long term effects/complications answered. That appointment is in March.
I went with my son to purchase some Cub Scout things and had to get a uniform for myself. I've been putting off doing this for several months but now that the Den leader has stepped down I'm going to lead the Den, so I had to get this ugly shirt. It looks ugly on me, cute on the much slimmer women. My sweet son, who is proud that his Mom is going to be the Den Mother, said I looked great in the shirt! That little boy is wearing those rose colored glasses again, because I must look like a brown bag of potatoes all lumpy and bumpy. I couldn't look at myself when I tried it on, I only wanted to be sure it fit. I got the largest size - a 4XL. I like my clothes big and this is but mostly it fits. I am so not looking forward to wearing that thing. In Girl Scouts we just wore our uniform for special events. In boy scouts they wear their uniform all the time. UGH!!!!! I'm so tired of looking like a fat cow and feeling like one. Thank God I have a sweet little boy who loves me the way he does. I dread him getting older and maybe being embarassed about his mother and her obese size! Maybe even being teased. Just another incentive to get this weight off. I don't have to be a beauty queen, but I would like to be able to melt into the crowd and not stick out so much. That's about it for now. I'm keeping the course and plugging forward at an oh so slow pace, but it is forward!! G-nite
March 17th, 2006
Happy St Patty's Day! Three days until my appointment with Dr Schweitzer. My littlest guy has been pretty sick and I've been consumed with taking care of him so I haven't noticed the date sneaking up on me!! I've got to set some time aside so I can get my questions organized and in writing.
I spoke with a lady, Lisa, that lives here in Bowie and had RNY. She was great and shared a lot about her RNY and WLS experience. I really like hearing about the journey of others. Each time I seem to get a little more practical info. There is a support group meeting in Crofton at the end of the month that I really should attend.
My weight is going up and up I'm sure. I haven't been on the scale in a while but I'm sure of it. I had the opportunity to go to the gym the other day (babysitter and all taken care of) but I opted out! I think I was kidding myself when I said I wasn't working out because I had no one to watch my boys. It's not that, it's me in the way of me and not anything else! What the heck am I dong to myself? I think I'm really embarassed to set foot in the gym and have everyone looking at how fat (obese) I am and how out of shape I've become. Perhaps I really do need this surgery, it feels like it gives me hope, that maybe I can become a healthier, slimmer me!!! Could that really be??!? But what will be the price?
PS: I don't have sleep apnea!!! Yeaaaaaaa!!! I'm just a loud snorer and nothing else!
April 17th, 2006
Hello again! I had my appointment with Dr Schweitzer. My husband went with me. The appointment seemed anticlimatic after the long, long process of just deciding to have this surgery!!! While Dr Schweitzer isn't a warm fuzzy type of surgeon, he does have a lot of experience under his belt (over 1000!) and he does have a sense of humor! (both of which will help get me through the post-op period) I also met the NP Pat and Dr Schweitzer's secretary, the work horse of the practice, Debbie. I had a few questions for Dr S, but was there mostly to meet him and find out his pre and post op procedures. I think I feel as comfortable as I'm going to with Dr S. I have a bit of a problem with the whole you're life is totally in his and his surgical team's hands during surgery, no control at all at that point! You're naked, strapped in the crusified position on the surgical table and at everyone in the rooms mercy! They cut you open, look at the most intimate parts of you, stick tubes in a lot of different places, touch you where they need to, all while you're asleep and have no say! I don't know if I'm the only person that thinks about these things in detail, but it is all a bit overwhelming at times. Not enough to make me cancel surgery, but none-the-less disconcerting. Thank God I won't remember any of this!!!! I'll get past all this.
I also met with the nutritionist: a young, very slight, never had a weight problem her whole short life, slightly "just the facts, only the facts" kinda gal. Nothing warm, nothing empathetic; I didn't learn anything new that I haven't already read. When I asked questions, there was a tone that I needed to let her get through her presentation and handouts without interruption. There was no personalization of the programs plan for me, it was just the plan. I went to a support group meeting after this consult and met another nutitionist who seemed more personable and more comfortable with deviations from her presentation. Hopefully I'll be able to deal with the second Nutritionist more.
Well, I got all my paperwork in to be submitted to the insurance company. So the waiting game begins. For some reason I don't have a problem with this waiting. I guess I've done all that I can do and now I can sorta relax. It will become more real when I'm approved by the insurance company and I have a date. Then the waiting might be a little more nerve racking!
I'm planning to go to a few support group meetings and just learn all I can about post-op stuff while I wait for insurance approval. So I'll update more when there is something new. Bye for now!
May 5th, 2006
Hey there! All my paperwork was faxed to Aetna and they confirmed receiving it from my doctor's office. Now I wait; I've done all I can.
I really have to start a workout routine. There is a trainer I know, that is especially compassionate, and I want to work with him since I'm so out of shape. Maybe when I get my routine rolling I can find a workout buddy? We'll see. I'm really having a hard time taking that first step into the gym. I'm not sure what all is stopping me. I'm sure there are some body image reasons but I have to overcome that and push on. My son, 7yrs old, asked when I was going to start losing weight. Ugh, how do I answer that? I am working on it, with counseling and getting prepared for this surgery, but that's such an abstract answer to a young child. I think he needs to see inches melting away to actually know I'm trying to "get healthy". Oh the pressure of trying to set a good example while dealing with the demons that got me to this weight in the first place!!!
Met with a psychologist today to start the evaluation process (Dr Schweitzer requires this before surgery). It was just a paperwork and get to know ya type session. I go again next week. It's difficult starting new with someone and having to share intimate info, but I'm doing it!
That's it for now. Hope that your journey, where ever you are in it, is going constructively forward! Bye for now
May 15th, 2006
I made it to the Pittsburgh Conference! A lot of schedule juggling and child care coverage issues, but it was worth it! I personally was kinda pathetic...I'm going to an obesity function and as I was driving there and back, I'm pigging out on Twizzlers, chips, and chocolate!! This girl is out of control!! Anyway, the info was great and the people very open and accepting. While I am somewhat shy in a large group I really tried to come out of my shell and circulate around. I met some really neat people. A truck driver's wife, a radio traffic guy and his wife, really people from all walks of life. (I'm terrible with names, but great at faces so hopefully they'll have pictures on their profiles or I'll see them next year!) This is a really tough life, especially initially, that a majority have chosen. I didn't find one protein drink that I could stomach, and I was always hungry after having the b-fast or lunch they provided! So it really scares me that I can't hang tough for a couple days without hunger pangs and binge eating episodes! It just confirmed for me even more that I really have some work to do before I have this surgery.
I had an appointment with a fantastic dietician today, Rebecca Bitzer! She gave me some great resources and some homework. She told me about an eating disorder treatment place called "The Renfrew Center" in Philadelphia, Pa.. I'm really considering going. I called and spoke with someone today and they'll be looking into my insurance coverage and sending me info. I really doubt my insurance will cover much, but one can hope for a miracle huh?!?
Rebecca also has me walking the dog at least 3x/week, looking into a personal trainer, doing a journal with "I want...." fill in the blank (I have to write for an hour a day!!!), and I have to be kind to myself. ;-) This is all a bit overwhelming, I'm not used to being in the spotlight and I really hate it!! But I've got to do this to move forward to a healthier me, I've just GOT TO DO IT!!! I think I have some good professional support and when I ask for help, I 'll have some great friends' support too. I just have got to learn to ask!
Thanks for visiting my profile and good luck with your journey!
May 31st, 2006
Well, I have a surgery date... July 6th!!!!! Just a month or so away! I can hardly believe it is so close. I feel like I have a bazillion things to do!
I met with a personal trainer that Rebecca, my dietician, recommended. I really want to get in better shape before this surgery. I've been walking on my own, actually with Missy our dog (gotta give the ole girl credit!). I'm doing ok, but I feel like I can do a lot more. I want to make sure I get up from that operating table so I can be there for my sweet boys! So I've got some work ahead of me!!!!!
I feel a little shell-shocked, but calm and at task. I let a few of my girlfriends know about my surgery date and am really getting a lot of positive, supportive feedback. I know I can't do this on my own and it's really reassuring to have these ladies, my sisters really, behind me.
I'm now working on what to tell my 7 yr old. He's very sensitive and bright so i don't want to scare him. I want him to know I'm doing this so that I can have a healthier, more fulfilling, active life with him, his brother and my hubby. Nothing but positive info for him. And I think I'll wait until maybe the week or maybe a few days before so he doesn't have to worry about it for long. My 2 yr old won't understand of course, so I'll just make sure some of his favorite people are around for him so he feels more secure in my absence. My Hubby... well he's got quite a ride ahead of him as do I I suppose!! My girlfriends will make sure he's got help on the sidelines should he need it, he'll be okay.
That's about it for now. I have a lot of preparation and housework to attend to before this surgery, so I have to get organized and work down my lists. That way the time might pass by unnoticed with less stressing by me!!!
Oh, I almost forgot...our Support group in Crofton might be dissolved!! It's a nice group of women so I hope we can salvage it and reorganize. I think this kind of support and accountability is an important part of this journey and I'd like to continue with this group. I hope it works out. G-nite and see ya next time.
June 15, 2006
Well, I've been very busy tying up loose ends...I had my pre-op physical, which went fine but I have to get a cardiac clearance, chest x-ray, thyroid sonogram and bloodwork done. The GI doctor I'm seeing wants to do a cine-esophagram (sp?) and maybe a EGD (look down my throat to make sure everything is ok in there! ;-) ) Boy o boy what would I be going through if I were sick with a few comorbidities! I'm relatively healthy, except for the aches and pains, but I sure am glad they are really checking me out before I go under for this surgery. I'm working with a personal trainer - we lift weights. On days I don't see him I'm trying to get walking in plus I've added extra stuff during the day... using the stairs, parking far away, going upstairs myself instead of sending one of my boys up for me, etc. I haven't seen much evidence that I've been working out. I still get winded pretty easy, my back cramps up when I'm walking, and the weights aren't getting any easier either!!! Maybe it's not been long enough to see results yet. I'll keep at it. I'm really looking forward to some of this weight coming off so that I can see more results. Now the fat covers my muscles and I can't see any definition.
I've started to collect all the vitamins and supplements I'll need for after the surgery. I tried many chewable multivitamins and they were all yucky tasting!! I finally found a Giant Food Store brand of children's chewable vitamins that I could stomach. I was getting all worried that I might be stuck with these terrible tasting vitamins for several months. I've also gotten a lot of protein samples that I have yet to try. I've been told that I need to start changing my eating habits now and not wait until after the surgery. It's hard to have normal anatomy and eat like a post-op. I've made a lot of changes but not near as many as I'll ultimately be making. I'm seeing a Therapist and a Dietician to try to get my head where it needs to be. I think that will be an ongoing thing after the surgery. I'm a bad binge eater, esp. at night. I've got to get this under control, it really is derailing me. I have checked out some eating disorder centers but my insurance won't cover their programs. If I were anorexic or bulemic they would, but not for binge eating even tho it is now considered an illness.
That's where I am now. Trying to get everything covered, done and cleaned!! ;0) Good luck to you where ever you are on this path. See you next time!
June 29, 2006
In one week I will be having my surgery and I don't know where I am as far as emotions go. I kinda have that, "Oh sh**, what am I doing?" thing going on. I was having dinner with my family and I looked down at my juicy cheeseburger on a multigrain roll with dark green lettuce, fresh tomatoes, light mayo, ketchup and onion (gotta have the onion!!) and thought, "Am I ever going to enjoy a cheeseburger like this again?". That's 40+ years (if I'm so blessed) of no more cheeseburger as I know they exist!! I guess I'd have to take off the bun (even if it is the healthy multigrain kind) no ketchup (too high in sugar), and I don't think I could eat the burger with the lettuce, tomatoe, and onion because it's "protein first". I still haven't quite figured out how you do protein first and then fit in other things. Once you do the protein aren't you full? These are all things I have to learn by doing. And my penalty if I make a mistake...vomitting, light headedness, pain in my chest/belly, etc. Kinda scary stuff. And as I do this "learning" I have to be able to care for my 2 and 7 year olds. I think I'm just scared. Scared of the getting to know your pouch stuff, scared of the pain in your chest/belly stuff, vomitting in public stuff and many more stuffs that I haven't even thought about yet!! I'm even scared of the reaction I'll have when my husband "forgets" and brings home ice cream (the one food group that is responsible for at least half of the weight I've gained in recent years!!!). I'm just kidding, I know I'm responsible for getting to this weight, not a particular food, but i am scared of being faced with that temptation! Maybe I'll be like some of the posts I read where they wake up from surgery and no longer want that kind of stuff..."it tastes too sweet for me now", they say. I should be so blessed. No, that would qualify as a miracle if you ask me!!!!
I think I am going to have to take advantage of every support system I can in order to get on the right track and stay there! I'm seeing a nutritionist (who specializes in eating disorders) and a therapist, both of which have been great! I have one assignment from both of these ladies trying to help me...take pictures of myself at my current weight. UGH, you would have thought they asked for my first born Son!!!! I still haven't had the courage to take the pictures!!! I've gotten to this weight not by looking at my Morbidly Obese Body but by ignoring it!!!! Now they want me to look at myself?!?!? Y-U-C-K !!! Nothing like a smack of reality and the way things really look and not what you make up to protect yourself!!! I don't know how I'm going to get through this assignment, how do I do this? Is it like jumping off the high diving board - fright be damned here I go!?!?! I just don't know. I hate being so weak in this way. I'm so strong in so many other ways, but constantly fail at this body image, weight loss thing. I'll keep trying but I gotta tell you...it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!! And I've done some pretty hard things in my life too!! But by the grace of God I trudge on!
I had a lot to say tonight. As the date gets even closer I'll bet I have even more to say - Sorry!!! I'm going through a life altering procedure and I'm scared I don't have it in me to do what I need to to make my body the best it can be, the healthiest it can be, and the strongest it can be. Gee, I'm not asking for much am I?!? Thanks for bearing with me during this crazy time. Good luck with your journey and here's to better health and to a finer quality of life!
July 10th, 2006 (4 days post-op)
Since my last entry and now the time flew!!!! I always knew I'd be my Surgeon's second case of the day so I lined up childcare and really hadn't started packing the afternoon before my surgery. Then the Surgical Dept calls to say I'll be the first patient of the day and please be at the hospital at 7 am (it was going to be 9-10AM) Well I couldn't get my boys up at 5AM - that just wouldn't be nice - so they went to their Aunt's and Friend's houses a night early. By the time I got both boys packed and to their destinations I was whipped!! So 5 AM came very early the next morning!!! And I hadn't packed a single thing for myself yet, ugh!
We got to the hospital in plenty of time. Soo early (about 25 min) that the check-in wasn't open. So we wait, check in at 7 AM and I'm taken into the back to get undressed and vitals signs taken. The nurses checking me in weren't aware of the details of gastric bypass so we chatted about that a little while to break the ice and calm my very anxious nerves!!! I get on a cot, #10, and they put the IV in my hand (ouch), the blood thinner injection in my arm, (not a bad shot) and finally 2 medium bags of antibiotics are infused quickly! Then the waiting begins...I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait (well, you get the idea!!!) I'm back there in the holding area for a little over an hour all by myself! Meanwhile I'm getting more anxious by the minute. Everyone who walks by says something about my sunburn (I get really red when I'm nervous). Thank God one nurse stopped and asked if she could get me a magazine. I asked her why my husband wasn't back here yet and she said the family isn't allowed back until 9:15 or so!! Nobody told me I'd be waiting that long by myself. My blood pressure went sky high (it's usually normal) and I was getting the worst headache. I was having a little "freak out" moment and no one was allowed there to help or at least hold my hand! THIS REALLY STUNK!!!!
Finally they let my husband come back right when the anesthia and scrub nurses showed up to go over everything. I got a last smooch and then was wisked away, it all happened sooo fast!! One of the OR nurses says to me, "This will be the best thing you ever did for yourself!!". I was a little taken back and she shared that she had the duodenal switch and would do it all over again. That was reassuring - I think God puts people in place just for a moment like this, it could not have been more timely!! God is awesome! He's held my hand through some rough times and He didn't fail me in that holding area. We head off to the OR, OR#10, and I climb onto the surgical table. I asked for some pillows or pads, because my back would definitely be a mess when I woke up if I layed flat, and they fixed me up nice and comfy. They made sure I was the right person laying on the table, great idea, and then pull my arms out of my gown (I'm still covered up otherwise). Then I don't remember anyone telling me good night or anything - I just though, "Good, I get to sleep a little while!!!" and lights out!
I woke up, the time I remember, in my room on the 6th floor at John Hopkins Bayview in pain. In a lot of pain, an 8/9 on their 1-10 scale. It took several hours to get the pain to a level I could more easily deal with. I was pushing that morphine pump almost continually; my husband said he thought I was going to wear it out completely. So after about 3-4 hours on the floor I got out of bed. Part of me was saying, "What the hell are you doing girl!!!!" and the other part of me was saying, "Ya gotta get up, blood clots - need I remind you about those!?!". I walked out into the hall in front of my room (about 20 feet or so), stood there a little bit then went back to my bed glad I hadn't gone any further. From then on I walked a lot and frequently. I had to - I had such gas pains that I was convinced, at one point, that I had some complication the nurses/residents were missing. During the first night and into the first day after surgery the residents tried to get my pain better controlled. I never was completely pain free, but I could at least deal with the pain that was left once the right medication combination was realized. I was really fortunate that my husband could stay with me for the first 36 hours or so. He spotted me on walks, got the residents/nurses when I needed them, and just basically watched over me. I felt secure and I'm sure this helped with my recovery. He had a rough sleep on the chair they provided the first night so the next night he went home and slept. A tip...if you want a somewhat decent night's sleep for your significant other, then request the cot be brought into your room (if you have a private room that is). My Mom helped out as well and gave me a hard time when I didn't complain loud enough!! :-)
****I forgot to mention...if you want a private room then tell the people who check you in the morning/afternoon of your surgery. The person waiting with you can then go to an office to request such arrangements after you go into surgery (they'll tell you what office to go to). That was the only way my husband could stay according to their policies (if you're in a double room then your loved one can't stay). Now, if you get a less strict nurse then you might be allowed to stay if you behave yourself and help the patient ;-) but no garantees. *****
I had clear liquids the day after surgery. I think the chicken broth was my favorite. On Day 2 I went to full liquids and my favorite was the cream of corn soup. There was something soothing about these warm liquids. My husband added some of the protein powder that came with my meals to everything I consumed, which wasn't very much.
How was my surgeon you ask? (Glad you asked ;-) ) He is very skilled in the OR with a very low, close to nil, complication rate. He's kinda no nonsense and straight to the point I think - no liquid diet before the surgery, no unnecessary testing unless it's indicated, one pre-op visit, no bowel prep before surgery, etc..No jumping through hoops before the surgery except those requested by the insurance company. I saw him right before my surgery and briefly in my room after the surgery and the rest of the time I dealt with the residents. During my very anxious time before surgery he didn't relieve my worried mind any, but I was aware of his personality before this date so I really didn't expect him to help me with that and it was OK. He's great at what he does in the OR, when your under, and that's really all I needed.
So...now I'm home getting to know my stomach, or pouch, my intestines and the new feeling and noises they make. Boy are they noisy. I still feel pain, with deep breathing, right under my mid left lowest rib. It also feels like there is a mass kinda hung up on my ribs, not letting me easily take deep breaths. The mass I feel constantly and while it's not painful unless I deep breath, it is a weird feeling. It just doesn't belong there. I can only guess that it is the new pouch and that it's situated in a new position. It will just take time to get use to it. I've been taking everything slowly. I eat and drink slowly pausing between each drink or swallow to get a sense of that "feeling of fullness". I haven't gotten all 60 g of protein in nor 64 oz of water but I've come close. Just something to strive for I guess. I'm tired and easily winded with exersion. I haven't been sleeping well because every position I get into puts pressure on my stomach and that hurts! So I have been sleeping on and off at night in a recliner. Had my first BM a few hours after I got home(on day 2 after my surgery) and my urine is no longer orange but a little deep colored yellow. All the pain I have is in my upper abdomen so there is no pain now in my lower abdomen when I help the BMs along. OK, those last few sentences you could have done without, a little too much info, but some people want to know everything. Hey, this is important stuff and part of the experience so just get over it!!! ;-)
I'm doing ok and trying to establish a good foundation of habits that will help me live healthy and be strong. And of course to help me lose and then maintain my weight. It's tough but anything worth doing IS tough I guess.
July 24, 2006
I've really been doing pretty well. I had a CAT Scan to check out that annoying mass right under my left lower rib and it showed nothing. It must be a muscle or ligament or some soft tissue thingy that just needs more time to heal. I do feel better now at almost 3 weeks post op. I guess I'm an impatient healer - I want to be recovered right now doggone it!!! ;-)
I threw up for the first time tonight. It was a new meatloaf recipe my hubby was trying which I just could not tolerate and up it came. While I don't like throwing up, it wasn't that bad. There was no bile or bad taste - it tasted the same coming up as it did going down!!! I know...kinda gross huh?!?! Needless to say meatloaf is off my list!!
I'm not sure if I'm doing anything wrong or not but I'm not really measuring anything. I just get a little bit of protein (chicken, ground beef, cheese, etc.) eat that first then some veggies or fruit. I go by how my belly is feeling. If I feel any discomfort I stop. And that's it for that meal. I think I'll post a question on the message board to see if my way right now is ok or if I should be measuring everything.
I had my first check-up last Thursday (it's Monday today). We, the NP, my husband and I, mostly chatted about things!! Didn't discuss much about my journey so far. I'm having trouble with two of my surgical sites - the sutures that are suppost to be on the inside of me found their way out and I had some swelling and milky discharge. So the NP snipped the sutures and I was on my way. It still hasn't healed and is still red. I keep cleaning it w/hydrogen peroxide and put Neosporin w/a bandaid on it. I'd really like to go into the pool so I hope it heals soon.
My energy level is pretty low. I'm not sure if it is a bit of depression or just that I'm consuming about 500-600 calories a day while my body requires about 4,000 to just maintain. I'm definitely working with a deficit. But that's the plan isn't it? I just hope my energy comes back soon whatever is causing it to dive.
I guess I haven't talked about my weight loss yet. Well... my highest weight before surgery was right about 331. When I weighed in at my two week check up I weighed 303.8. So that's a loss of 27.2 lbs. Not bad huh!?! But I must say this was not the easiest 27 lbs I've ever lost. It has been quite a journey so far. Sometimes I can't believe I've had the surgery, it all seems like a dream. Maybe not to my hubby who has been picking up the slack since my surgery, but to me it seems surreal. I just hope I'm one of the patients who doesn't have any complications.
That's about it for me now. Hope you're doing well and on the path to health. Good Luck and safe journey!!!:-)
July 29th, 2006
Just checking in. I have been dealing with two surgical sites that got infected. I'm now on antibiotics and they seem to finally be getting better. I can't wait to be able to get in the pool! I guess I had a "wow" moment the other day, my 1st one! I couldn't find anything to wear so I thought..."I've lost some weight, maybe I'll try on some of my old clothes to see if any of them fit." And they did fit!!! I have a camp shirt whose sleeves were tight on me. Not now, it fits great! I'm really surprised.
I went to a birthday party last night and while all the food laying around did bother me some since I couldn't eat it, I did find a way to cope. I just kept busy cleaning up and refilling things so it helped me and my girlfriend who was hosting the party. I think things will be better once I'm out of this pureed, soft diet stage. There was another woman at the party that had the same surgery and she was munching on all kinds of things that she shouldn't have been eating. I so hope that I can maintain the healthy way to eat without too many slip-ups. Right now I'm on a sugar free popsicle jag. Water is hard to get down sometimes so I have popsicles to get more fluids in during the day.At least that's what I' telling myself!! Till next time...
September 3rd, 2006
I am almost 2 months out now and I've lost 53 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!! My family and I went on vacation and during the trip we celebrated my son's 3rd and my hubby's birthdays. I pushed the edge of the envelope some. Over the 3 days I tried a few chips and onion dip, a couple spoonfuls of ice cream and cake. I really took small amounts. And do you know this stuff really didn't taste good to me - I had no desire to eat anymore. I did, however, have a few more bites just because I was waiting for it, the food that is, to make me feel better or good. Boy, old habits sure die hard. It was really stupid of me to even let this kind of junk pass my lips. I guess I was testing boundaries with regard to what my pouch can or will handle. I didn't get sick but maybe that's because I only ate a little bit?? I have to confront this kind of eating and come up with a strategy. I want to make the most out of this first year and lose as much as I can.
Feeling a little down, but not too bad. We're moving into Fall now and I love this time of the year. I'll probably get out more now that it's not very warm out.
I have noticed that I can "go" longer now without the aches and pains or the exhaustion! I feel a little droopy and lack motivation sometimes. My 3 yr old is driving me nuts right now and that may be contributing some!!! He likes to grab or squeeze the fat on the back of my arm and on my inner thighs. He'll walk up to me and just grab a handful of the flesh on my thigh - it is so infuriating!! I guess the little bugger likes the way all that blubber feels? I've been working on him keeping his hands to himself, this is a tough age!!!
I'm fitting very comfortably into 26/28 clothes (I was wearing 30/32 before surgery). I like my clothes loose so I'm probably in a 24/26 actually, but I prefer one size up for now. I have all kinds of sizes in my closet and have to do a little organizing so I know what size I have in what. Sometimes I can hardly believe I've had this surgery and lost 50+ lbs so far!!! I feel like my ole fat, obese self but then I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror (still shoulder high - I don't want to see the rest of me just yet!!!) and I am taken back by what I see; I even linger at the mirror some!! I used to just drop my eyes as I passed or stood in front of a mirror and if I had to look at myself, I wouldn't take in the whole picture - I'd focus on my teeth if I were brushing them for example and nothing else. I am anxious about all the hanging skin already and more to come. We have two little boys and a somewhat tight budget that would be really stressed if I had to pay for plastic surgery. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I've been making the support groups at JH Bayview and I think it keeps my mind on task and gives me ideas on how to manage my day-to-day. I'm seeing JH Bayview nutritionists infrequently, a behavior nutritionist more frequently (every 2-3 weeks) and a therapist. It seems like a bit much and I'd like to maybe go to the eating disorder group therapy at JH and drop the therapist and behavioral nutritionist I think. I love to see these two ladies but I'm not sure I need that right now. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer. My hesitation is in having to tell them I want a break from them for a little while and will perhaps come back after a while. I don't know why I'm anxious about telling them this, but I am.
That's about it for now. I'll catch up again pretty soon when I have more to tell or to purge!!! Take care ;-)
