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Monday, January 15, 2018

I sit here at home in my pajamas at 10:15 after working the weekend and I am rather discouraged. I have gained a bunch of weight over the holidays and once again starting a new diet.  I hate this so much, but I have no choice.  It's a cycle I've been on my whole life and having surgery has only helped keep it from going completely out of control.

I lost my Mom last year and it has wrecked me. During her brief and horrible illness I lost a bunch of weight. At the lowest I weighed 146. Not a great way to lose it. 

I since have taken a "YOLO" approach to life and have eaten and DRANK way too much. I weigh 180lbs. W.T.F! OK cue the pity party. I'm in a rut. 

So today, I pick my fat ads up and start over again. 

May 9th, will be my 10 year surgiversary. I'd like to weigh 140 on that day. I'd like to prove to myself that I can regain control. I'd like to feel confident and sexy. 

Here.we.go

It's January already!!!!  I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long.  I now work full time days and life is pretty busy.  I hit my eighteen month milestone and feel pretty good.  I have fallen off track so to speak as far as falling into old habits.  I haven't gone over the edge, but have come pretty close.  I now weigh 137-139lbs!!!  I feel as though this is absolutely terrible!!  My jeans are a little snug and I HATE that feeling.  My addictive tendencies have come full circle recently and I feel somewhat out of control, as far as food is concerned. No I don't gorge on pizza and fried chicken, but do I eat when I'm not hungry...YES.  Do I mindlessly graze...YES!  I feel like this answer to my prayers, was just another failed attempt on my part to change my life.  My husband and I don't EVER have a rational conversation about this subject, because I am instantly on the defensive!  He doesn't know what or how to say anything to me about it, so we usually end up angry.  I don't really have too many people I can talk to about it.  I have a couple friends, but I guess I'm looking to him to be the person I can go to.  I have to accept that this is MY struggle, and to rely on him to say just the right thing is unrealistic.  Anyway, I realize now that the honeymoon is over, and I need to face the reality that I NEED to exercise and I NEED to stay away from junk and I NEED to cut my husband some slack.

One year ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed recovering from  what would be the best thing that ever happened to me ( besides the obvious, Husband & daughter).  
 
One year ago today I was beginning the wildest journey of my life.

One year ago today I had no idea what I was in for.

One year ago today I was a chubby mommy.

May 9, 2008 I made the decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery and it was the best decision of my life!

Today, May 10, 2009, Mother's day I am a different person.  I have a whole different outlook on life.  I feel in some ways, because of what I've learned, that I'm a better Wife, Mom, Daughter, Sister, friend.

I joined OH looking to have some questions answered and found a whole lot more.  I found a community of friends who have supported, prayed, laughed and cried with me.  I love you all, and celebrate this new life with you.

But ABOVE ALL,  I thank the Lord Jesus for guiding me through the ups and downs.  For holding my hand and carrying me through the times I felt overwhelmed.

For those who read this and are considering weight loss surgery, weigh it out carefully and if it's right for you, I wish you all the joy that this new life has brought me.

I weighed 134 lbs. today, that is a total weight loss of 112 lbs. from my heaviest.

God Bless























Much Love, Keela

I weighed in at 135.8lbs. this morning.  That's up from the 131.2lbs. that I weighed last Friday.  So in less than a week I've gained almost 5lbs.  I'm terrified.  It's all I've thought about this morning.  Isn't that insane!  I weighed 246lbs less than a year ago, but I'm beating myself up about this?  Yeah I am, because... 1.  I don't know how to deal with the guilt food still inflicts on my life   2.  I feel that any gain in weight is a slippery slope   3.  I've been out of control with what I'm eating.  See, I don't really dump on sugar, unless it's a lot, and so I'm pushing my limits daily.  I'm also feeling healthy again, after first having my gallbladder out, then dealing with a crazy bought of the weirdest most painful and itchy hives ever, for almost two weeks.  So I feel good enough to eat, so eat I have.  I'm actually afraid because I feel like I can eat way more than I should.  I've also been snacking way too much.  SO this is my way of be accountable.  I need prayers.  I need to give this to God and rely on HIS strength to break these habits.  I'm a food addict and like any addict I need to acknowledge that and seek help.....

Day two and I'm so head hungry and cranky!!!  I have to continue with Puree until Wednesday morning when I see my surgeon and then he said he may release me to eat.  He is still thinking he will remove my gallbladder.  Part of me wants it out, but most of me is terrified.  The RNY worried me, but I felt more at ease about it than this.  I just want to not have these "attacks" and feel at healthy again.  I've lost almost 4 lbs. since being on these food restrictions.  I now weigh 138.8 lbs.  Which is cool because that makes me a little over 8 lbs, from goal, but part of me is afraid to be too thin and then not want to gain it back.  Almost like if I get to 130 and look to thin, but feel that if I gain I won't be comfortable. It scares me a little.  I'm used to weighing this now, but if I were to gain even a couple lbs. I feel it immediately.  Does that make sense? Probably not....  Anyway!!!  I met Amber at the Bangor Mall on Saturday and it was so nice to meet someone from this site face to face!!!  She looks great and is super sweet!!!  I've also met Toni, whom I enjoyed.  Hopefully if we have a summer gathering I can make it this year.  Hope you all have a great week!

So I have been struggling big time with abdomen pain lately and finally had enough and called my surgeon.  He had me have another CT as well as an EGD (scope).  The CT was not changed from Dec., still have a large gallbladder.  The EGD however showed an inflamed stomach.  Which I guess is the beginnings of an ulcer.  So the Dr. put me on Carafate for 6 weeks and wants to see me next Wednesday.  He will be discussing taking out my gallbladder then.   So I am restricted to full liquids for the next couple days and then puree until I see him.   I so want this over with.  I feel fine until I don't, and then when I'm having an"attack" I'm miserable.  I need prayer.  My husband and I are doing MUCH better on the bright side so that's helping :)

So I guess old habits die hard and maybe never at all.  I've been miserable lately and really struggling with what I'm eating, and wanting to eat and I hate being this out of control.  I remember reading blog after blog with people writing this same exact thing and I always said to myself that I would not let that happen to me.  Well,  I haven't started gaining yet, but I'm out of control.  I eat sugar and way to many carbs.  I rarely dump and when I do it's sweating and palpitations, big deal!  I worked so hard and I feel like I'm jumping back into old habits head first!  I'm very depressed about my home life.  I'm finally going to day shift and I'm not looking forward to it.  I hate working days and I'll have absolutely no time to myself.  I'm doing it to improve the status of my marriage.  We are strangers and when we do speak we usually fight.  I really don't feel that my surgery or weight loss have anything to do with how things are going with us.  We've been shaky for a while and working opposite shifts was a disaster waiting to happen.  I won't give up though. I can't, I have more than myself to think about.  I want a great marriage,  I want a happy existence.  I hope that changing shifts will help all these things.  I hope I'll stop the, eating because I'm bored, habit that I've fallen back into, at night.  I'm hoping that spending more time together will bring us closer.  I really want to reach goal (130lbs.) before I reach the one year mark.  I weighed in yesterday at 141.8lbs.  I'm close and I KNOW with a little focus I CAN do it.  I need to exercise, but not sure when I'll find the time.  I think I might do a couple days of protein shakes to refocus.  I wish I could go to counseling with someone who specializes in food addiction.  No one like that in Northern Maine.  I'm feeling really discouraged and negative.  Tomorrow is a new day....

So, I've reread my last post and...well...I think I was a little overwhelmed.  I still feel stressed about this whole moving thing, but maybe with a little less anger.  My husband still talks about it everyday.  He asks everyday why I haven't heard from any of the places I applied at.  How should I know?!!!  I feel at this point, if I hear from something it's meant to be.  If not , it's not the right time.  Either way, I don't feel like we should be pushing it.  The biggest stresser in all this is having to find a daycare for my daughter.  She LOVES the place (daycare/preschool) she goes to here.  She goes a couple days a week to get her familiar to other kids and I love the teacher.  I'm trying to go to days, so she then would go full time.  I'm just nervous.  Bangor feels like a whole other world.  I don't trust ANYBODY, so much less trust a stranger to watch my daughter.  I know lots of people do it, but I am super protective.  I don't feel like I need to do any of this, except to alleviate my husbands stress from his job.
Anyway, about my weight.  I've stopped losing and seem to be holding at 142-143lbs.  That's fantastic except for the fact that my goal weight is 130lbs.  I may not reach it.  I'd like to, but I think my body is happy here.  So I've really tried to be faithful with my workouts and hopefully toning will help some of the skin issues.  I can't help but shake it though......TWELVE POUNDS!!!!  I've lost over 100lbs and I can't lose the last twelve!  I'll be honest, if I were super strict and was really diligent, I probably could.  Is it self sabotage?  Or, does it really not mean that much to hit goal?  I don't know....  I'll just keep plugging away and see where it takes me.

So, I didn't think it would happen to me....How foolish am I.  I'm hitting a wall emotionally that I didn't see coming.  Is the "weight loss high" over?  Is the misery of my "real" life creeping in?  I don't know what to say, really, except that I am very unhappy.  My husband is ALWAYS miserable and my being a "fixer" who is out of ideas on how to fix it makes me crazy.  He just doesn't see outside of his own misery.  I've tried everything in my power to solve whatever the current dilemma is in his life, but I can't anymore.  He is very unhappy in his job and wants DESPERATELY to move back downstate.  He had a job offer and turned it down because I couldn't find work ( in xray) and we can't make it on one income.  I had originally told him I'd do anything, but then realized that I don't want to.  I don't want to work like a dog for minimum wage, when I have an education that allows for better.  I feel like it wasn't happening because it wasn't the right timing.  For goodness sakes, we are in a depression here and he wants to move away from a great paying job and into the unknown.  His job sucks,  I don't dispute that, but there is ALWAYS something with whatever job....I'm tired.  I'm tired of his negativity and my lack of control over how to fix his problems.  I know I need to step out of the way and let God smack him between the eyes, but that is so hard.  I need to pray for him, but I feel so miserable inside and can't shake it...certainly can't eat it away, so what to do......

So I'm sitting here waiting for a call from my Dr. office.  I had a HIDA scan before Christmas which I already know is abnormal.  I have a feeling he wants to take it out.  I guess considering the bypass, this should be a walk in the park, but I'm not sure I really want to go through another surgery!  If only the insurance would have paid to have it taken out at the same time.  Oh well, will wait and see.
My weight loss has really slowed down.  I KNOW that if I would exercise I could possibly kick it up a notch and reach goal, but I'm...LAZY.  I have lost the majority of my weight without strenuous exercise.  Last spring and summer I walked everyday, but winter has really put me in a funk.  I have work out videos coming out of my rear, but I'm LAZY! 
So I'm watching the Biggest Loser last night and there was a man on the show who had a gastric bypass and either gained all the weight + or never lost at all, I'm not sure because I was at work and people were talking around me, so I didn't hear.  Either way,  it gave me that rock in the pit of your stomach feeling.  I really don't want to fail.  I know that I NEED to exercise to maintain a healthy body and weight.  I KNOW the honeymoon period doesn't last forever and this is my opportunity to finish what I started and reach goal.  I fight with my own will more and more each day.  I crave when I didn't even care about food a few months ago.  I know real life will always bring my addiction and battles with food to the forefront, but I didn't realize that the mental aspect would be so hard.  I try not let negative thoughts about food and my body image consume me and I really try to be "present" when I eat, but sometimes I find myself mindlessly snacking when I should say "STOP, what are you doing, you are not hungry!"  I so hoped that the discipline I maintained for the first five or six months would stick.  I know it's up to me, and I don't feel like I've failed, but I need to get back on track.  No more eating out of boredom or because the mood hits!  EXERCISE< EXERCISE< EXERCISE.  For goodness sakes, it's only 20-30mns a day.  Seriously, someone kick my butt into gear PLEASE!
So the new year has arrived and here's my chance.  No "resolutions" just behavior modification!  My focus will not be entirely wrapped up in losing weight and reaching goal, however that is important to me.  No It's to BE HEALTHY!  No junk, and exercise.  Wish me luck and send prayers my way!