Monique G.

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So, it has taken me awhile, and with much consideration, I am going to go to St. Mary's in Evansville. My best friend Jessica went there and she is very
persistant. :) Love you, bitch!!!!


But anyway, we are both filling out my paperwork today. I dont know what I would do without Jessica... honestly, I would have backed out by now I think. Then I see her, and how good she feels and the way she talks to me, and I can hear that yearning in her voice.... that she wants me on the losing side with her also.  Its going to take a lng time.... 6 months infact. Ugh... I know that it doesnt seem so far away, yet it does... I am juuuust getting started on the "real" stuff, and I am not seeing the end of this journey quite as clearly as others do for me.
Nathan is so much happier that Jessica is holding my hand through this whole thing. My brother might fly in fort my surgery. I have been eating uncontrolably. I started my chantix again last night - bring on the crazy ass dreams - 


I have noticed my stomach recently more than ever... maybe its because I am gaining a little weight. Did anyone else do this before they had tehir surgery? My lower back has been killing me.. and I feel like I am carrying a ton of bricks when I walk down stairs. I tell ya... so much is going on in my mind... 


Teh whole emotional attachment to eating... how am I going to be able to break this cycle? I cant be the only fat girl or person that has worried about that. You know, I was calculating for my paperwork.. and I have been overweight for 16... Count em..... 16 YEARS!!!!! Jessica nad I figured that up and inside I was like "STFU!!!" There is no way I have let my body become destroyed and unhealthy for that period of time... for sure... I have.
Smoked on top of it also. 


I wonder who the thinner Monique will be.... what will I learn about myslef? I know I can still do a cartwheel, and round off, but there is no way I am atempting it now. I wanna go roller skating, I wanna rock climb, and go to Alaska and hike.. Hawaii, I want to be able to handle the streets and hills in San Francisco when I visit my brother. I want to LIVE!!!!! I dont want to just "exsist" which is what I am doing now. Geez, I am so ready to be on the losing side......I just had my 32 birthday and Nate just had his 31st. I recorded this one in my memory. The way I felt, the clothes I wore... because I wonder next year at this time, what I will be wearing out for our birthday's, how I will feel. I have been having heart palpatations like crazzyyy.  I am so ready..... are we there yet?????

 I tell ya... it seems like the initial appointment to meet with my surgeon in Indy is just dragging... I know I shouldnt look at it like that, but its so hard when you really are anxious to get the ball rolling, so to speak. I did get a call from Shirley at St. Vincents Friday though. She called my insurance company and found out that it is a covered procedure, but the office visit wont be. Thats $255.00 That sucks, but we will get it taken care of. I keep looking at alllllllll of the before and after pics.  I am so excited and want to be on the losing side. I wanna be a big loser... lol

I think of the things that Nathan and I will be able to do. Just going for a walk.. and wanting too... I know thats hard for some peopel to understand, but when you are big, you just dont want to do anything.. especially sweat.. ugh. Well, I just wanted to put an entry in and update it.

OK, So.. Today is a GOOD day. I feel good about my desicion and know that I am making a good one. I am excited and ready. I think I am going to be going to another doctor. I found a place in Indy called St. Vincents Bariatic Center of Excellence. They arent going to make me wait and they arent going to make me pay and assload of money to just take their classes. I have read so many rviews on the surgeon that the lady I talked to on the ohone.. Shirley, said that she thinks I would work well with.. and there have been nothing but good things said about him. He is young. About 35. His reviews are just outstanding. Now, Indy is like 3 hours from me, BUT, I just wasnt that impressed with the presentaion given to me at the other clinic. There just was something taht wasnt clicking for me. It was given by the dietician and there were a few important questions that she couldnt answer, one being (what are the staples made from?) So, anyway, at the other clinic in Indy, the doctor that preforms my individual surgery will be giving the presentation. That impressed me right away. So... Today feel good, I just cannot wait to have energy, feel like I really look good, not ache, not snore... get naked in front of my husband, run, walk up stairs and not get winded..... play with the dogs.. I guess I big thing that a lot of you dont know about me is I am not big on going outside in the daytime... so, actually doing tat would be nice also. Hopefully having the symptoms of pcos just completley go away....   Anyway... thats what I have to say for now

&)(^*&^$^%$^*%#$@$^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, there... 




I hear myself talking, but I dont know if I am listening.... One second I am terrified and there is no way I am doing this I amgoing to get up early and start working out, I am going to start eating better and taking care of myself and not go through something that could kill me... and then.... then I read the stories.. I see the before and after pics, I see the faces on the fat girls just like me then after they have had their surgery and theya re healthy.. and LIVING!!!!!!!! Fuck, Monique, You are NOT living, Being mulled up in your house day in and day out, only going out at night... thats not living... you live to clean, andyou cant even do that very well. You know this is what you need.... deep down you know that you will be fine, but also deep down you know that this option makes you feel like a loser... a big fat loser.


I see the diagram of the procedure and my stomach turns. My best friend seen it and he just flipped. He doesnt want me to have it, but he wants me to have it... make sense???? Ugh.


He is worried... just like I am.. I just cant do it anymore, I cannot continue feeling like this... knowing tehre is a better life. 


What if I die?


Then I will leave my husband... alone.... the love of my life the strength of my soul, my entire world... How could I do this to him??? How dare I let myself get this fat, and unhealthy... good god.... so yea.. this is me... right now....


This is my mind......

I am playing with my little area here and trying to personalize it a little. Ugh, I feel like I have no energy today. I wonder if tht will go up with wls?

Well, I had my first seminar at St. Mary's bariatric Center today. Things went well, and they were pretty informative. I have a lot of paperwork to fill out... I mean.. A LOT!!! Gotta get this ball rolling. I am excited and nervous though. One minute I am all "yea, I want this I need this" and the next I am "Ohhh, I dont think I can do this, I am scared, what if, what if, what if"


But, I have awhile to what if this thing like crazy.... so.. let the journey begin!!!!!