Brenda R.

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I am just over 8 months out of surgery and life is so much more than I ever thought it could be. I am enjoying it now where before I was just existing. The funny thing about that one though is that before I never knew I was just in existance. It is strange how you can look back and see things so differently than you saw them before. Life is wonderful like that I guess. lol 

Bill is not always happy with the new me. The other day my cousin told him that she was so proud of me and she bet that he was too. He did agree to that one but I said that I didn't think he liked all the changes. Dianne asked him what he didn't like he couldn't really tell her and she asked him if he missed his old wife and he said yes. I personally don't feel like I have changed but I guess it a natural thing to change when you have experiences so many changes in your own life. Life is not only wonderful but it is also a mystery sometimes. lol

I had set a personal goal of being in onederland by the 11th of June since that was our 20th wedding anniversary. I kept weighing and was going nuts. I stayed at 200.0 for 3 weeks~THREE whole weeks! I was going insane! I finally just turned it over to God and told him that it was going to happen in His time and not in mine. One the 11th I got up and thought well I either did or I didn't. I had and if I didn't it was alright because I would get there sometime. I got on the scale and it said 198.0!!! I was so happy. That was on Wednesday. Come Monday the 16th (Monday is my usual weigh in day) I got on the scale and I had dropped another pound! I just couldn't believe it. I am so grateful that in just turning it over to my God I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I just have to remember that God doesn't have any clocks or watches and no calendar either. Time is only important to me and not to him.

I am wanting to go out and get a job. I would like to start in on something part time and maybe go from there. I think I would take just about anything since I am under the thought that it is easier to get a job when you have a job. Part of me is afraid to do it but the majority of me is excited. I miss being out with people and now I can do so much more than I use to. I have went to several places and put my application in and when the job comes by that I should be at I will get it. All in God's time and not mine!!!

If you just recently had surgery you in for the trip of your life. I am so glad that this trip has a one way ticket and it isn't round trip since I never want to go back!!! If you are thinking of surgery, the only thing that I can tell you is to do heart searching. It is a very personal decision and one that you need to come to in your time. I am of the thought that if God brings you to it He is going to get you through it. He has never failed me. I am not saying that I get everything I want because it's not that by a long shot. I am saying that I am willing to accept His will for me and my life and when I do that things fall into place and I have such a peace and happiness. 

Blessings to all who read this. Know that I care deeply for each and every one of you. I keep all of my fellow wls family in my prayers each and every day. 

Remember to bloom where you are planted because that is where God wants you to be at the moment.

Here I am just over 6 months out of surgery and the changes are unbelievable. I never thought that I would have so many and I am sure that more are yet to be. 

First off I am over 82 pounds lighter than my highest weight. I can't believe that I have lost a little person already. I have set a goal of onederland on my 20th wedding anniversary which is June 11th. I know that is a little goal but sometimes I am more comfortable with goals that I know I can reach. I have 9 pounds to reach that one. I know that is going to be a walk in the park or at least I hope it is going to be.  

I bought a pair of pants that are a size 8-10. Personally I think they run big but I could care less about that and I am taking the size and running with it as fast these feet will let me!!    I can finally shop and not go in the women's department to do it. I have still got a problem with the misses size tops but that will come in time. I just am not comfortable in those yet. That is alright with me because the size I am in now is not near the size I was before. 

The wow moments are really something too. I have so many of them. I find them to be so much fun. I can go through the turnstyle at Menards without going sideways. There is the clothes sizes that we already covered but I never get tired of. I remember when I got the medium pants I held them up to Bill and asked him if he ever thought that his wife would fit in clothes that small and he said no. I told him his wife didn't think so either. I weigh less than my DL says I weigh. That is amazing to me since that has never happened in all the years I have been driving. I have fingernails now. I haven't bitten them since I had my surgery. I now have to keep them trimmed and I always have polish on them. I love myself now. That is something that I never thought would happen. I can cross my legs now and sometimes my foot dangles too.  

I can cross my legs now!!

 That is a goal that I thought I would never acheive. That goes to show you not to put limits on yourself because you can acheive anything that you want to. I tolerated myself before and sometimes that was a hard thing to do too. I actually love Brenda now and know that she is a worthwhile and loveable person.  

I love Brenda!!!

 

I found out that I have a kidney disease that makes me suseptable to kidney stones. I also have high Ph levels too. I have to take medication for this but that is alright. So now I am on 6 meds but that is still half of what I was on before. I am no longer taking anything for the diabetes. I am always going to consider myself a diabetic but it is now controlled by diet and excersise. That is amazing to me too. My heart is doing better since it isn't having to work so hard. The cardiomyopathy is never going away but right now the heart is functioning at normal and that is a miracle. Considering I was told 15 years ago that I would be dead in less than a year. I guess I must not be done with my work yet since I am still here. Either that or God is saying that He just isn't ready for me to be there yet and all of my friends have to put up with me for awhile. Lucky you!!! 

lucky you

 My back is feeling better most of the time. There is a lot of damage done to it so it is never going to be normal but that is alright. It is better and that is fine with me. It hurts nowhere near as bad as it did before. Sometimes you have to be happy with what you have and that is alright with me.

All in all the road trip that I have taken these last 6 months are really something. I wouldn't trade it for the world and I am so glad that God brought me to it. He opened up a whole new and exciting world for me when I was brought to this point in my life. This losers bench  is just
about the most comfortable  seat I have ever been in and I never ever want to leave it. I have been given such a gift of not only my new life and better health but also so many new friends and family. I love everyone that I met on here.     I may have only met a few but that is going to come to an end soon. I just know it will. I want to thank everyone for all of the help and support that they have shown me.   

I would like to say to anyone who has not had surgery yet that to fight for what is going to be the start of new life for yourself. You must become your own advocate and stick up for yourself. Love yourself enough to know that this is something that you deserve and are entitled to. Keep on trudging the road to recovery. Notice it says trudging and not skipping or romping down the road. The word trudging is a word that tell us it is going to be work but it is going to be satisfying work and work that is going to be well worth every minute of it. You will never regret it. Some people have asked me if I would do it again and I always say that I would do it again in a heartbeat.    I truly mean every word of it.

I just find it so hard to believe that it is going to be 4 months soon. I also can't believe how things have changed. Some for the better and so not. 
The WOW moments are coming. I had one the other day when I sat in my recliner and crossed my legs and the leg hung down like they do on "normal" people. I wanted to do that so bad. I bought my first piece of clothes in the misses department of the store and not the womens department. I just couldn't believe that one. When my girlfriend told me buy a pair of sweat pants in that department I told her oh no I would never fit in anything from there. Low and behold I do. When someone told me that I looked like I was in a 18/20 I told her no that couldn't be either. Boy was I wrong. 
For 40 years I always wanted to have long red fingernails and I never got them because I bit them all my life. Since surgery they have grown and now I have nails that I can file and polish. Well, about 3 weeks ago I got my wish and went for a manicure (my first one ever) and got my red nails. I was so excited. I got them and now I am happy. I won't have them again because they are to loud for me but I am doing my nails every week and taking care of them. I have an array of colors of polish now. I think that is one of my favorite past times. 
One of the bad things is that the weight loss is bringing the green eyed monster out in my DH. He was always the jealous kind even at my heaviest. Now it seems like it worse. I think in part it goes back to now I talk more to people. I just feel like such a new person. I want to spread my good feelings to everyone. Men are noticing me now and I don't think they are looking at me because I am one of the heaviest women there. I don't know what to do about him. I try to reinforce the fact that we are together and have been for almost 20 years and I am not going anywhere. I think that the rest is something he is going to have to deal with. 
I better get going. I have things to do and people to see. I am enjoying my journey so much and hope that everyone else enjoys theirs too. Now I am 68.2 pounds lighter and I am just waiting for Onderlaned to be here. I know that it isn't going to long. Another thing that totally gets to me is that for the first time I weigh less than it says I do on my drivers license. I never thought that would happen either. Goes to show you that you just don't know what life has in store for you. I love it like that since I will always be surprised and that is the fun part of life. I hope that your lives are just as much fun as mine and that you enjoy each and every minute that God gives you and yours.

Here I am into my new life with 2 months behind me. I can't believe the changes that have happened. I look and even better than that I feel so much different. 

I wanted a WOW moment so bad and I have had a few of them. The first one came on Thanksgiving morning when I walked the Turkey Trot at the Portage Y.M.C.A. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to do it and I accomplished it. I was the last one back but who cares - I DID IT!!!!!! Then later on Thanksgiving I was changing my clothes to go to our friends and I saw this shirt that I had gotten a few years ago and it never fit me. I thought when I got it I could use it as a shirt jacket but never did it. I thought to myself that I was going to try it on, the most that would happen is that it didn't fit yet. Boy, was I surprised that it really fit. I wore it to our friends. I got another WOW moment when I went to Dr. Stanish's office for my check up. He doesn't have a computerized scale and so when they weighed me the weight was always on the 250 and this time it had to go down to the 200! I just keep thinking that the next time it will go to the 150 and that means that I will be in Onederland and that is something that I haven't seen in so many years that  I couldn't even begin to remember! 

I love my life so much now and in doing that I love myself! Now that I love myself I can love others more freely now and I like that. I can see how much of life I was missing. I don't ever want to go back to that way of life. I can only thank God for letting me see what I was suppose to do. It may have taken me awhile but thank God I got here. It is only going to get better from now on.

Here I am 2 weeks out of surgery and I would have never thought that I would be feeling this good. I have more energy and the pain wasn't anything like I thought that it would be. Boy does my imagination go wild at times! 
I went to the doctor on Thursday and I lost 27 pounds. That is over a course of 22 days. It includes the 12 days before surgery too. I was kind of surprised at it. I knew that I had to have lost some but I never thought that it would be that amount. I am grateful for it. 
I am able to drive as long as I am not taking any pain meds or if it bothers me not to do it. I haven't tried it but I think that I am going to try to do it later today. If things go well then I am going to drive to bible study tomorrow night. I miss not being able to get in my car and go when I want to. I do so love my freedom. 
I am on pureed foods now and I am having problems thinking of things to eat. I got some ideas from some of my friends on the site and I am grateful for that. It gives me some variety and more sources of protien. 
I am going to try to do one of those ticker tape things for on my site and I am not sure how but I will fiddle around with it and maybe this old dog will find she can do a new trick. lol
DH has been on vacation since I been home. He is going back to work tomorrow afternoon ( he works straight afternoons Mon-Fri ) and I am going to miss him so much. He has been so helpful to me. He takes a lot of intrest in what I am doing and in making my meals. He even crushes some of my pills for me. He likes that pill crusher I think! lol I told him yesterday that I didn't know what I would do without him and he told me not to forget it. I guess he knows me better than I know myself. He knew that I would and I would!
I am closing for now and will be back again sometime. Stay happy and don't forget to laugh.

I finally got home from the hospital late this afternoon. It is so good to here. They treated me so good at the hospital but I missed DH and my kitty.
Things went so fast on Monday morning and before I knew it I was waking up in the recovery room but I don't remember much of that. I do remember getting to my room but not much more. I should have put a sign up stating that I wasn't responsible for anything that came out of my mouth. Here all this time I thought that I was in the room across the hall and them moved to the one that I was in. Boy was that a boo boo! Everyone that I asked about that just laughed and said that no I was sent there and there is where I stayed. I also remember shutting my eyes and seeing pictures. I guess I must have been dreaming but it all seemed to real to be a dream.
I am glad that the first part of my journey is done and other parts are yet to be. It is exciting and yet there is a calm there too.
I hope that everyone is good and healthy. I missed being . I feel like I have so many friends on this board. I feel like I know each and every one of you even though I haven't met anyone. I hope to find that changed sometime soon.
I am going now. I am tired and I am going to be
soon. I will chat more later on. Have a wonderful night and talk soon.

This is it! I am getting my new and improved life today. I have waited for this my whole life. I have never been thin. I have always been fat. I wonder if I will know what is expected of me. Am I going to be able to do it? Now the doubts are coming but I will go on and do the best that I can and know that God will take care of me. He is the one in charge and I have to give this to Him. I am a strong person and I will survive - but boy am I scared!
I have so much support from everyone. My phone kept ringing last night and I was amazed at the things that people said. I am also amazed at the support I am getting from all of you. Just think that you are people that I've never met before and yet I feel like I know each of you. I guess it is true that ties bind us together make us one.
I will post here as soon as I can.
Remember to prayer for me because I would rather have to many than not enough!

To think that tomorrow is THE DAY! The day that my new life begins and I get another chance. I have waited a lifetime for this moment and now it is here. It is hard to believe.
When I walk out the door in the morning I am going to come back home a different woman. I will not be the same wife, stepmom, sister or aunt, or the same friend. I am having a life transformation and that is something that I thought that I would never ever have. I thank God for that and know that without Him I am nothing and have nothing.
I have to finish packing today and I have to get some groceries in here so that poor Bill won't become the Cambodian refugee that he was when I met him. I have fattened him up over these past 19 years. Maybe a bit to much. That is going to change too. But he just doesn't know it yet!
Bill went fishing with his cousin and friend this morning. They left about an hour ago. They are going to Monticello. That is about 1 and 1/2 hours from here I think. I thought at first that he should spend the day with me but then I just thought that he would just drive me nuts anyway and so why not have him gone for a while and out of my hair to do the last minute things I have to do. This way I can have some good talks with some of my friends and relatives that I am not going to get to talk to for a few days.
I have to say that I am a bit afraid of tomorrow. I have never experienced surgery before with the staples and I am not looking forward to it. That is about the only thing that I am not looking forward to. A couple of girls from the site gave me some good advice and I am going to follow it for sure. I have a high tolerance of pain and so I feel better about that. Besides the drugs are gong to be there for me too!
All is quiet here now. It is early in the morning and I have been up for over an hour. The house is all dark and I like that. Misty, my little cat is laying beside me on the sofa and she is snoring. I am glad that someone around here can sleep. Little does she know what is going to happen tomorrow and when I come home she is going to start seeing a different Mommy. lol
It is hard to believe that fall is here. It is so hot for this time of year. I can't seem to get away from the heat. It is hot all summer and now it is hot in the fall. Spring and fall are my 2 favorite times of year. The weather is so cool and I love that. Now if only it will be hot in the winter but that isn't going to happen around here. Not with the lake winds we get here.
I better get going. I have a lot to do today. I hope I will be able to post something in the morning. I am sure that sleep won't come easy in the morning. I have to leave for the hospital at 7 in the morning. I am not sure what time surgery is but I am thinking about 9:30 or 10:00.
I say farewell and good bye for now.

I will be leaving for the hospital in less than 48 hours and so I thought that now would be the perfect time to start this. I feel like when I walk out the door on Monday morning nothing is ever going to be the same. When I walk back in the door after my surgery I am going to be a totally different person. My marriage is going to be different and that may be a good thing. Bill and I only knew each other less than a week when we got married 19 years ago. I can't say that I would change that but maybe I would have gone about things differently. I love him with my whole heart and he has been so supportive of me even when I was so sick and couldn't go anywhere but to the doctor and the hospital for 9 months. I remember when I would sit on the side of the bed so sick and rock back and forth and pray to God to let me die and how he would put cold cloths on the back of my neck. How could I ask for a better husband? He has been there for me through thick and thin and never asked for anything. He went through losing our 3 children with me and it made us closer. I don't know what I would do without him. He didn't take to well to this surgery but then again it could have been me and how I went about it. I guess it wasn't a good thing for me to tell him over and over again that I was going to do this with or without him and I didn't need him or anyone else. lol  Leave it to me to keep my mouth going and then I have to say that I am sorry. The thing that I hate doing. lol I have waited for this day to come and there was times that I was sure that it never would and now here it is. If God brings you to it He will get you through it. That is something that I firmly believe and this situation is no different. I do believe that He is the one that got me to this. I know that things had to change or I wouldn't be here much longer. I felt that for a long time. I better go because today is going to be busy with getting last minute things and packing too. My step son is suppose to come over for a bit today too.