Shelley J.

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It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since my surgery, but the calendar doesn't lie. I do not regret it (the question I am often asked). I had no idea the journey I was about to begin, but it has been a blessing. First, my obsession with food, with dieting, and the self hatred for my size and lack of control finally ended. The relief in that alone is cause to do it again. Though I did take a detour with alcohol for a period, that led me to recovery and that has changed my life in even greater ways. Mind and body are finally healing together and I have more peace now than I ever have. I am still on the journey (and will be for a lifetime) but it is a much more pleasant ride than it used to be. My weight is stable and I am grateful for that. I have maintained 130lb weight loss since the surgery and am comfortable in my size 12 jeans. As it has been said before, the shift from living to eat to eating to live is huge. Today I am living, not  just existing and without regret. If you are new to this site, welcome. You will find a wealth of information and much needed support. I hope you get what you need to find self love and acceptance - with or without the surgery. 

If you are stuggling with substance abuse post-op, I welcome you to a group created at "In The Rooms" for those of us who are...
http://www.intherooms.com/group/view?gid=1182

Hello all,

As per the request of the founder, I am writing to provide follow up 3 years post-op.  Though this journey has been filled with a lot of ups and downs, I can tell you, I am no  longer obsessed with my weight, food, and how I look anymore.  I am no longer saddened when invited out because I surely won't find anything to wear that will look good.  I don't dread shopping, but have become quite the clothes-horse.  My quality of life in that regard has improved immensley.  I wish I could say I have turned into an exercise/running machine (like some of my counterparts - shout out to Kirsten, Kevin, & Monica), but that wouldn't be true.  I can say, however, I don't avoid walks, hikes, and outtings that would have been an overwhelming prospect in the past.

My weight has been stable for over 2 years now and I weigh in at around 139 these days.  I have a range of plus or minus 2 pounds.  Given my starting point of 285, I am thrilled with the results of the surgery.  I went from a size 22-24 to a size 8-10.  Sure, I'd love to get rid of this extra skin I carry around - to close the chapter on my past obesity for good, but that isn't an option financially.  I have seen friends transform their bodies, minds, and lives over the past three years, and love the confidence I see evolve in the process. 

This surgery doesn't come without its difficulties which leads to the age old mantra of many of us "they operated on my body, not my mind".  I caution newbies about addiction transferrance.  Talk to your doctor and be aware of obessive/excessive patterns that may develop post-op. 

Overall - I will say that I have a new peace of mind after WLS.  My confidence has increased 1000 fold.  My perception is that I am truely judged on the content of my character versus the external facade... I would not change my choice to have this surgery and hope that those of you who choose to move forward on this path find happiness, peace, and self-love in the process.  It isn't all about your appearance, we have to stop the negative self-talk we have fed ourselves for years.  Do the work and you'll be happy you did!  Love to my OH family!

You were my answer for everything –

My celebration when I was happy, my comforter when sad

My company when lonely,  my filler when empty.

I would look to you to mark every holiday, event, and family gathering as I knew you would always be there.

You were dependable, reliable, and ever present.

Then I betrayed  you. 

I altered my body so you and I could no longer connect.

Without warning – you were shunned from my life and our relationship was forever altered.

But I miss you.  What do I do now with the time, with the desire, with the need for you?

It is an ongoing battle between body and mind.

Though physically, I got what I wanted, mentally, I suffer for the loss.

I try to replace you – a futile effort that only leads to self-destruction.

Now, you are utilitarian in function.  Now, there is no joy in our meeting.  Now, you are but a tool to continue living.

How did this happen?  What have I done?

You are but fuel to keep my body alive – nothing more.

Though dysfunctional, I miss our relationship, I am saddened by the loss.

I feel like a freak in my own body – with physical signs of our previous relationship reminding me daily of what we once had.

One day I will be over this – I tell myself that everyday. 

But as the days, months, and years pass, I realize you were more to me than you should have ever been.

I was addicted to you.  I allowed you to fill the holes that existed within myself, that can only be filled through self evaluation and healing.

You are still with me – but a shadow of the one I knew.  We are no longer lovers yearning for one another, but merely acquaintances that pass on a busy city street with a polite nod.

I must let go of what we once had, and accept our new fate.

The mourning must end and I must move on.

I must look within myself for the answers and realize it was never you who  held them for me.

 

 

 It has been 2 years and 3 months since WLS and I figure (as I noticed my friends don't update often - I DO check on yall) - I should update my info.

Not much has changed since February (my last post) and I realize at some point, I am repeating the same information.  So let me just say this...

Life is good.  There are still challenges and daily frustrations with food (those things I can't have anymore) - but I am striving for a place of peace with that.  I am still in awe of what I used to eat on a daily basis and how much my life has changed in that regard.  I see obesity all around me (especially in the little ones) and wish I could tell them to avoid the pitfalls.  We are a society of eating to socialize, eating for therapy, eating to celebrate, and don't forget to get as much food as you can for your money!  The portion sizes, caloric intake, and fat content of our foods are atrocious.  At some point we have to stand up and say - Hey - are you TRYING to kill us all??? - 

Everyone hates to hear ranting or guidance from a reformist (especially one that has no choice) - but I just hate to see our kids heading down a path that has caused so many of us heart ache and self hate.  We are no more accepting of overweight people, and yet so many of us are going there... I don't expect society to be any more tolerant than we all experienced on our worst days.  So what do we do?  

For old-timers - perhaps we should shift some of our focus from our own weight-loss journey to helping prevent the need for such a drastic path for others.  I don't want our sons and daughters to have to undergo surgery to correct their weight.  I don't want them to suffer from the lack of acceptance and those who are mean-spirited among us.  It is my goal to do something to assist in a shift in our society.  One that promotes taking care of our bodies and eating for the RIGHT reasons - not as an emotional crutch or socialization.

Sorry for the small rant early in the morning...but it was nice to shift off of self and on to a larger picture.  

Over and out - 
Love you all! 

It has been 2 years since my surgery and I felt compelled to write an update for the pre-ops out there wondering what it is like after this much time.  I have to say - life is good.  I have maintained the same weight now for over a year (140) which is a total loss of 145 lbs.  I vary 2 lbs either way but generally end up back in the same spot.  I went from a size 22-24 to a size 6-8 and have learned to love shopping again - okay...I am a shop-a-holic.  Buying clothes was never so much fun.

I do have excess skin that I would love to get rid of with plastics, but to date, I haven't been able to get that done.  Big changes in life (such as a move across country) have limited my ability to do so.  Though it is hard to feel completely "new" with the signs of the old me literally "hanging" around - I cannot complain.  My current state was only a dream 2 years ago. 

I have referred a number of people to this site as I found it immensly helpful over the past 3 years as I prepared for surgery, was denied, appealed, approved, got a date, was a recent post-op up, and even until this very day. The wealth of knowledge,  as well as the support offered here, is unparallelled.  I highly recommend reading profiles and getting tapped into your local message board in addition to meeting people face-to-face when possible.  Support is a HUGE factor in one's success.  There are those days when you ask yourself - what am/was I thinking??? - but those pass by quickly when you can connect with those who fully understand.

I still eat limited amounts of food - still have to wait between eating and drinking and have not been the best with my vitamins/protien.  I must be honest, time makes one lazy in that regard - but I know it is necessary and continue to work to "get back on track" in that regard.  The diversity of my diet is lacking at times as I seem to go back to what I know works without issue.  There is still no bread, rice, pasta - however crackers work.  I am unique in that regard as I understand many can and have transitioned into these items without issue - even before their 1 year mark.  But why fight it right?  Carbs were always a difficulty for me and I don't want to get back into old habits.  I think I dumped once (NOT pleasant) - but in 2 years - I have to say that is good.  I have no issues with sugar and chocolate is still an option - not in ANY way as it used to be - but I can have some and be okay.

Many friends have been made here and I hope that everyone reading this is doing well on their journey.  It is tough at times - but so worth it. 

Best to all!
Shelley J.

Wow!  I hadn't read my post or visited my profile in a while and found I just couldn't leave the most recent as something so icky! Clearly not my best day.

But every morning is an opportunity to start again... so here I am.  Things are going well - I have maintained 140 (+ or minus 2 lbs) for around 6 months now and am really interested in plastics.  I feel really good physically and am coming along on the mental journey that comes along with the surgery.  It certainly isn't an everyday thing (for those of you wondering) - just a sometimey thing... and again, happy as ever I made this choice.

I lurk more than post these days.  I miss the "crew" but haven't engaged as much as I would like.  LB Coffee's are my reality check once a month - and having missed the last one am thrilled Naomi called for a impromptu this weekend! (Thanks Naomi). 

Still in school...have decided I may be a career student as I consider the next steps and the years that lie ahead to get to the goal.  But - education for education sake right? I am just pleased I have the opportunity to go back and the support from my family.  I am a lucky girl. :)

More substantial info later - - - I am off for now!
Hugs and Kises to all!
Shelley

It's 1:30 am and I am trying to complete my final projects for two graduate level courses - am running myself ragged between my "real" job, my school work, my family, and trying to start a nonprofit.  I ask myself why?  Why do I set myself up for such stress...I KEEP telling myself for the greater good and it is a transition - not forever - right? 

I have been told I surround myself with "projects" - a purpose at all times - something other than just being.   SO - I wonder...was food part of my self medication?  A reason to sit still and do nothing?  It was active - "eating" but inactive.  It filled my need to be busy but allowed me to be lazy - if just for a moment.  My focus on food was a distraction from my crazy mind - reeling at 100 miles per hour.  Then it came to the point that my eating resulted in me being able to do less - I had an excuse... right?

Now - without food (as a drug I mean) - I am busier than ever and miss my old friend.  I watch my family eat a meal (really enjoy a meal) and think - I remember when...I wish I could do that just one more time... I know I sound crazy - but it is late and I am tired, and if I eat one more protein bar I am going to SCREAM!! I try to diversify my diet - but often end up over the toilette.  I seem to have issue with ENJOYING something and eating it at a pace that is acceptable to my pouch.  So...Shelley is sad tonight. 

For those of you reading this who have not had surgery - know that I don't regret it and would do it over again today - - some days are just harder to deal with than others and old habits (developed over 38 years) die hard.
Time to shut this mind off and try to rest before another day run run running.... Off I go. Love to you all! ME

One year ago today, I was scared, excited and twice the person I am today (atleast in pounds).  After being sent off with the wonderful support of my two angels, Carla and Stacie, I was prepared with all the goodies for my post-op life and was reaching the culmination of months of research and efforts to get approval.  

How has my life changed since that day? - 
1 year ago, I didn't care what I wore because it all looked like crap in my eyes...now I am a clothes whore who would like nothing better than a limitless credit card to shop and shop and shop... Rather than dreading the dressing room (and the lights I blamed for everything looking so poorly) - I am regularly pleasantly suprised and how I like almost everything I try on.  I have watched my clothes size go from 24/26 in pants to size 8  - From 3x to mediums in tops and have enjoyed the ride all along the way.  I can shop in regular stores now.  I can wear the latest trends, I can find a dress for an event and feel good about it - not just finding the least offensive choice.

That is the physical...now lets touch on the mental.  WOW! There is no preparing for the changes that come with this surgery.  My emotions have run the spectrum.  From "what the hell did I do?" shortly post-op, to "why did I wait so long?"  My confidence level has shot through the roof.  The comfort in my own skin (though there is a lot of extra) is something I don't think I have experienced in my LIFETIME! - I don't shy away from social gatherings.  I am not embarassed to be introduced to new people.  I am not ashamed.  I am proud of me, my appearance, my ability to take care of myself, and the me I put out there for the world to see.  A huge burden has been lifted.  At the same time - I still struggle.  When I smell pizza or see something I used to enjoy eating and know I cannot enjoy food the way I used to.  Eating is still a chore somedays and, despite the cliche', I must say I have literally made the transition from living to eat to eating to live.  I must work to get in my protien, my veggies, my vitamins, my water.  I get hungry, but still - 3 crackers and 1 ounce of cheese and I'm satisfied.  

Along with this surgery, I have been blessed with a fantastic support system in OH.  I have enjoyed and benefited from the "old-timers" knowledge, the newcomers excitement, watching the progress of my angelettes, and love every minute of it.  My LB Coffees keep me centered, remind me there are many others in the same boat, and remind me that there is still more work to be done.  

What does the next year bring for me? I am going to challenge myself to get more physically active (like my amazing brothers and sisters who are running 5Ks, 10Ks, and OH MY GOSH - marathons).  I am going to challenge myself to diversify my diet.  I am going to challenge myself to connect more and be a resource for the newbies who need support.  I am going to remain aware of my desire to transfer my addiction from food to other vices. There is still a need to commit to and take care of me.  The work is not over.  A goal has been met - but this is an ongoing process of changing your thinking - of committing to be healthy - and to giving back to the community that held your hand along the way. 

This is a year I will be forever thankful for.  One that has changed my life and my perspective... thank you all for taking this journey with me. - - - 

  Before 1/07 (285)After - 1/08 (138)
 

I've seen it written on here that some of you celebrate your RE-birthday.  Prior to this year, I thought it was a bit odd - but here I am... thinking about it myself.  My birthday was this past Wednesday and I couldn't help thinking a few things - - 
1) This is the first time in over 17 years I have felt good about me on my Birthday.  
2) I look better now than I looked when I was 27 before my 2nd child was born.  
3) Dang it feels good 
AND - - back on track here - - 
4) My  RE-BIRTHDAY is right around the corner!!! 

FEBRUARY 5TH  WILL FOREVER BE A DAY THAT I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE IN MY LIFE - a chance to be free from the shackles of my weight, the self conciousness and self loathing that brought to me, and the complete disregard for how I presented myself (after all - why did it matter?)
My partner said she had no idea how unhappy I was until I started losing and the "old Shelley" returned to the surface.  Silly, happy, and fun.  I had lost her - but she has been reborn and for that I am eternally greatful.

So biological or surgical - I celebrate this life - this chance - and all those who made it possible.  That's right - even my insurance company! :) 

TTFN! ME :)