Dawn V.

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Almost 10 a.m. and my house is still asleep. I guess it's the dark rainy weather. But that doesn't phase me..as usual I'm up before everyone else. My body clock says 6 hours is plenty enough sleep for this old gal.
I've been thinking this morning, about the recent drastic life changes I have made and kind of lamenting my old way of living. I tell you I'm working damn hard on embracing a new way.
I could say that the journey so far has not been an easy one. But honestly, months of what I THOUGHT was hard work at the time is now looking pretty damn easy compared to the work I have in front of me now.
But I tell ya, the physical work won't be as hard as the work I've got to do in my head. THAT is going to be the tricky stuff. I have those old familiar voices trying to creep back into my brain. The only problem is now the rest of my body isn't able to cooperate with the voices and this is causing me a bit of emotional turmoil. I have become moody and mad and I really don't like that about myself. I refuse to become an emotional tyrant and take it out on my loves. Which I have been doing lately and I hate myself for it.
Being an addict is hard. Being a food addict is REALLY fucking hard. Unlike other addictions like drugs and alcohol, things your body doesn't require to survive. Food is a whole other monster. We must eat to live. Unfortunately some people, like myself, end up living to eat. We don't want to...but it's so hard to kick a habit when you MUST be faced with a necessity for it daily. That is why I have taken the steps that I have to make changes in my life. Forcing my body to do what needs to be done to break my addiction. But damn! I'm finding that It's just NOT that easy! Fixing my physical hunger? I've got that covered. My head hunger is going to take some intense work.
Some people may look at what i have done and say I've taken "the easy way out".  Well fuck you very much it is NOT!  It is hard HARD Goddamn work!  For the rest of my life now I will be forced to think about every single morsel that goes into my mouth.  I have probably had to think more about food in the past week than I have for the past year.  For the rest of my life my days will be spent wondering "Did I get in enough protein today?"  (Because I DO NOT want my hair to fall out) and have I gotten in enough fluids today?( so that I don't end up in the ER with dehydration)
I think more about food now than I EVER did before.  I must obsess over it now because what I eat MATTERS now.  And that is a kind of a mind screw for someone like me. 

Surgery on Friday...released on Sunday.  Feeling okay...still a little weak at times but getting stronger.  Just got to work on getting those fluids in throughout the day   haven't had any pain meds since Saturday Evening when they brought me some liquid Lortab because the Dilauded in the IV pump was making me sick! They sent me home with liquid Oxy which I have yet to even touch.  It felt good to get home and into my own bed.  I actually got some sleep.  I am a side sleeper and the combination of the surgery, medical staff in and out of the room and a not so comfy hospital bed doesn't make for good sleep

Today is the day I finally get to go on full liquids.  I wasn't really sure what to have this morning it's a bit early but I woke up around 5a..m with my tummy growling (so to speak) and hurting a little so I could only assume it meant I was hungry.  So I put together some on the fly potato soup using chicken broth and 100% potato flakes. Took about 30 minutes to finish approx. 3oz and so far my tummy is not rebelling and seems quite happy.  Going to try to drink a protein shake a little later in the morning.  I have been TRYING to drink to Isopure Alpine Punch flavor but for some reason it just seems so sickly sweet to me.  It's really all I can do to make myself finish one.    I have about 4 other flavors to try...we'll see how that goes throughout the rest of the week.  I plan on making some protein pudding this morning to have on hand as well.  I know a lot of folks think you can't use Almond milk to make SF pudding BUT you can!  I just use about 1/4 cup less almond milk than you would regular milk and I add a scoop of Vanilla protein powder and it actually sets up pretty nicely.  We'll see if I can stomach that now...LOL  I plan on making some frozen pops out of this as well...

Follow up with my primary today and with my surgeon on 12/2.  So far I've lost 7lbs since surgery. Woohoo!

Well, surgery is scheduled for Friday, November 14th.  Wow!

It's crazy how the past 6 months have just seemed to drag on forever, and now suddenly with my surgery in sight it seems like it's happening so fast.  But I am ready.  I just hope my mind and emotions are ready.  I've noticed how I haven't really been obsessing on what I won't be able to eat after surgery.  That REALLY became an issue when I went into this second phase of the pre-op diet.  Up until a month ago I could pretty much consume what I enjoyed minus the obvious carbs and sugars.  Now I'm down to nothing but lean protein and fresh vegis.  No dairy, very low fat, no fruit...I was going nuts the first couple of weeks.  Now? It's like I have my eye on the prize!  I haven't really thought about all the stuff I can't have...well, I've thought about it...especially when I am preparing a meal for my family and I know I can't have some to the things I'm cooking.  But it doesn't make me sad like before. 

Like last night I made turkey burgers with steamed broccoli and fries for the guys...I was good with not having any fries. I was satisfied with my meal and I wasn't sad about it.  It's as if my mind has gone into a whole new mode. I think I've got this...for now anyway...we'll see how I do a week after surgery when I'm living off of SF Popsicles and Isopure...LOL