Hey, guess what I found?!

Jan 15, 2012

  No guesses?  Well, I suddenly came across my ability to EAT.  Not like "Eating no longer makes me sick which is great because I am so tired of protein shakes", but "Wow.. I think I want to down that ENTIRE hotdog.. bun and all.".   Ugh.  I mean, on one hand, it's nice to be able to eat enough that I don't look like a freak at a family dinner (where EVERYONE watches to see how little I can eat so they can talk about it later), but on the other hand.. here comes the weight struggle.   
  I am actually TRYING to gain another 10 lbs or so.   I am wearing a size 4/6 and I want to get back in to an 8.  I haven't weighed in a couple of days, but I believe that I am back up around 148ish.  It is SO HARD to not freak out when I see the scale slowly go up.  I keep having to remind myself that I WANT this.   It's not that I look too thin.. when I am dressed, I just look slender, but not freakish in any way.  I HATE that I have no curves anymore, though.  Between that, making the mistake of getting my hair cut short and the new wrinkles on my face (and I'm sure turning 40 isn't helping), I feel less sexy than I ever have in my life.  I am hoping that another 7 to 10 lbs will fill me out a bit.  My fear?  That I will be unable to control the weight gain or that I will only gain the AMOUNT I want, but I will gain it all in my stomach only.  I need to fill out my face a bit and, with any luck, my butt, hips and thighs.  

  Ok.  So here is what is currently going on in my life.  1. My SO is about to ship off for Basic training in a couple of weeks.  He's going in the Army and I can't go because we aren't actually married.  I have to get my divorce and i haven't been able to afford it because I wasn't working.  2. I am now working.  I am thrilled to have a job, but it's a two hour commute each way and the job requires 10 hours a day, six days a week.  I am NEVER home.  I get up at like 3am, get ready, leave... get home around five pm and I am only up for about an hour or two before I have to go back to sleep.  It's enough time to hit the store on the way home to get dinner and maybe take a shower.  My only day off is Sunday.  3. Because I am gone ALL THE TIME now, I think I have to get rid of my fur babies.  This is BREAKING MY HEART.   I have two puppies (about 6 months old) and a 4 year old dog.  In the ONE week I have been working, the puppies have completely unhousebroken.  If I leave them crated, they are stuck in cages for like the ENTIRE DAY.. if not, they eat the furniture and go to the bathroom EVERYWHERE.  Then, even when I am home, I have to sleep and they are so wound up from being caged all day that they can't.  So, they are pretty much just unattended and they eat the furniture and poop everywhere.  My older dog has developed kid aggression.  I am pretty sure this is due to my evil step son.. he's two and violent and I have gotten into it with him in the past for just randomly hitting or kicking the dogs.  Yesterday, Panda (the 4 year old dog) attacked a neighbor kid that was here playing with my step kids. The kids and dogs had all been playing peacefully for over an hour.. and he just snapped.  He didn't break skin, but he left a bruise.  Right after Steve pulled him off the neighbor kid, he immediately bolted over and bit my 6 year old step daughter.  She was just standing there.  He also attacked my male puppy and bit his face.. this time he did break skin.  Then, this morning, he bit my two year old step son.    I hate my life right now.  I LOVE my dogs.. my heart is breaking for them.  The puppies will find homes, I'm sure, but Panda will most likely have to be put down.  He was a rescue dog and was horribly vicious when I got him.  It took years to get him to a point where he was able to be around other people and dogs.  (He has never been fully trustworthy around other dogs.. before we rescued him, he was used as a fighting dog.. TERRIBLY abused).  He was doing great.. but, now he's suddenly going back to violence.  I even considered quitting my job to stop this from happening, but it took me a year to find work.. and we are so close to losing everything already.  I can't do it.  I still have a child at home to support.  We are so far behind on all of our bills, that even a couple of weeks more without an income will cost us everything.  The reason Steve joined the Army is because he works in construction and has only worked part time all year.  Buying a house was always a dream.. but, now I wish we hadn't done it.  Steve is leaving.  I have no friends up here on the mountain.  There is no work up here, so ANY job will require a major commute.  I will be left alone with a 17 year old that I won't ever even get to see... no friends, no life... a TON of past due bills... and who knows if our relationship will survive the seperation along with all the stress.  He's CERTAIN that we'll now be able to afford my divorce and I'll be able to move with him and that we'll live happily ever after... but, I am more of a realist.   
  I just don't know if I can handle all of this.  I really don't.  I am losing Steve (the LOVE of my life), my puppies (who are a big part of my family) and ... well, it just feels like I am losing EVERYTHING.  I miss my daughter already.. I have seen her for maybe an hour this whole week.  
  My 40th birthday is coming up on the 29th.  I have no issues with the idea of turning 40... I always assumed that my 40s would be my best decade.  (Like maybe I would suddenly turn into Diane Lane or Jessica Lange.. women who made the forties look like the place to be!  Seriously, Jessica Lange is STILL smoking hot and she's going on 63 now)  This is NOT where I was planning to be at this stage in my life, though.  

Ugh.

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