RedStar
February 2, 2008
Feb 02, 2008
My oh my how time has passed! I'm still here. Weight loss is slower than cold molasses. But I am so greatful that I am not gaining. I had gotten really discouraged before my second fill (have had 2 now). I just felt like the band wasn't doing its part at all. Now after the second fill, I can really feel a difference. I just had my second fill on Jan. 30th. I was so afraid I would be in trouble for not losing enough weight. But the doc said I was right on schedule. I need to be losing about a pound a week and I did!
I was not able to stick to no liquids while eating before the second fill. Now when I drink something with food, it hurts. I'll keep plugging away....hope you will to and I won't wait so long to post :)
I was not able to stick to no liquids while eating before the second fill. Now when I drink something with food, it hurts. I'll keep plugging away....hope you will to and I won't wait so long to post :)
November 29, 2007
Nov 29, 2007
Hey, it's still me. I just got a bug up my butt and decided to play with my profile and make some changes. Change is good. Not much to report. My first fill will be December 19th. I am really looking forward to that. We'll see what it's like to feel restriction. Hopefully I'll have some first time out. I have gone up and down in my weight. Kinda weird. It's like my body is trying to do some major healing and rearanging. I'm still staying around 195. I have also decided to stop weighing myself everyday. That just messes with my head. The major weight loss will come and I'm sure sooner than later. I do find that I am really really hungry when I'm bored. But I am making changes in that area.
Come back and visit me soon. I'll be anxious to show you some more pics soon. Bye for now.
Come back and visit me soon. I'll be anxious to show you some more pics soon. Bye for now.
November 10, 2007
Nov 10, 2007
Hello blog peekers....glad you stopped by. As I said in my last post, my thoughts will be more positive today. I am once again in "onederland" actually, as of yesterday. I was just under 200 lbs. yesterday at 199. Today I am at 197! Yes, good news. I am feeling kinda weak but happy to say that I can cross my legs at my computer once again. From my highest weight on my scales at my home before surgery, I have lost a total of 14 lbs.
I am peeing constantly (which reminds me I MUST get toilet paper) but that is GOOD. My body is releasing toxins and I have my water bottle faithfully by my side to help it do so. It's weird to imagine what I could possibly look like in a pair of size 8 jeans. It's almost like some kind of fantasy and who knows if I'll stop at a size 10. I have never been in a size 10. But I still have to stress that I have spent many years now enjoying a semi normal appearence and singing and wearing pretty clothes. I'm not sure that I can adequately explain what I'm feeling right now...who I am. I've spent SO much energy keeping the weight off. At first it was easy. Then you find that "life" happens and the struggles come again (different ones)....new challenges....new learning experiences. I found myself struggling again with weight but more so obsessing...knocking it back down when I had gone up some pounds. I couldn't bare the thought of losing respect in the music world. People in that world had never seem me at my top weight of 245. Every week when I would try to figure out what to wear before a gig I would go nuts obsessing about what I could wear that made me look the thinest. I don't think a week ever went by without me saying to myself that I would be thinner next week and really nuckle down this week. And at the same time I was starting to practice looking in the mirror and telling myself...."I love you just the way you are....you are beautiful just the way you are TODAY." That was a really good thing. What is it that I am feelilng right now?....hmmm...strange. Some old unresolved emotional issues perhaps? Have I sabatoshed myself in the past and only let myself succeed so far for reasons I have not yet addressed? Have I had the need to say to the world..."you're wrong...I'm really not that great!...see, my fat proves it." Do the old childhood tapes still run through my head? Do I still believe somewhere in my mind that I am really a bad girl down deep..unworthy of comfort, love, and praise? This is how the adults in my life treated me...they had to have been right. Wow...lol...and I thought I had come so far...lol.
I listened to a tape once by Louise Hay (awsome) where she said to say to yourself...over and over..."I now release the need to be fat...I now release the need to be compulsive (something like that)". When you begin to say this over to yourself (whether you believe it or not) you eventulally will have a "light bulb" moment. You'll "get" what the reasons were in the first place that kept you stuck and begin to practice your new found reality. In other words....those chains will drop off and no longer have power over you.
Ahhh, the journey! I welcome you.
I am peeing constantly (which reminds me I MUST get toilet paper) but that is GOOD. My body is releasing toxins and I have my water bottle faithfully by my side to help it do so. It's weird to imagine what I could possibly look like in a pair of size 8 jeans. It's almost like some kind of fantasy and who knows if I'll stop at a size 10. I have never been in a size 10. But I still have to stress that I have spent many years now enjoying a semi normal appearence and singing and wearing pretty clothes. I'm not sure that I can adequately explain what I'm feeling right now...who I am. I've spent SO much energy keeping the weight off. At first it was easy. Then you find that "life" happens and the struggles come again (different ones)....new challenges....new learning experiences. I found myself struggling again with weight but more so obsessing...knocking it back down when I had gone up some pounds. I couldn't bare the thought of losing respect in the music world. People in that world had never seem me at my top weight of 245. Every week when I would try to figure out what to wear before a gig I would go nuts obsessing about what I could wear that made me look the thinest. I don't think a week ever went by without me saying to myself that I would be thinner next week and really nuckle down this week. And at the same time I was starting to practice looking in the mirror and telling myself...."I love you just the way you are....you are beautiful just the way you are TODAY." That was a really good thing. What is it that I am feelilng right now?....hmmm...strange. Some old unresolved emotional issues perhaps? Have I sabatoshed myself in the past and only let myself succeed so far for reasons I have not yet addressed? Have I had the need to say to the world..."you're wrong...I'm really not that great!...see, my fat proves it." Do the old childhood tapes still run through my head? Do I still believe somewhere in my mind that I am really a bad girl down deep..unworthy of comfort, love, and praise? This is how the adults in my life treated me...they had to have been right. Wow...lol...and I thought I had come so far...lol.
I listened to a tape once by Louise Hay (awsome) where she said to say to yourself...over and over..."I now release the need to be fat...I now release the need to be compulsive (something like that)". When you begin to say this over to yourself (whether you believe it or not) you eventulally will have a "light bulb" moment. You'll "get" what the reasons were in the first place that kept you stuck and begin to practice your new found reality. In other words....those chains will drop off and no longer have power over you.
Ahhh, the journey! I welcome you.
November 9, 2007
Nov 09, 2007
I'm back. I am now officially banded. I'll have to share the details later but all went well. I have a couple of complaints but I feel bad saying anything about them. But I guess that's what this blog is about....to get things off my chest.
I was very surprized to find that I was very hungry the evening after surgery. The next morning I felt like I was starving! When my doctor came in I told him that I was really hungry and he snappped at me. He said, "Well I can't do anything about the emotional side of things. Some people don't lose any weight on the band and some people GAIN weight!" I was shocked that he would say that to me. My heart sank and he must have seen the look on my face. Then he turned around and said, "You're gonna do good....you're gonna do good." My head hung down and I just said, "I hope so."
In my medicated mind what I was really trying to say was "is this normal to be so hungry at this point....will it go away?" And a part of me was a little scared that the band wouldn't take care of the constant hunger I was experiencing before surgery....and that was the major point of getting the band for me. It was my understanding that the band wraps around the vegas nerve that sends hunger signals to the brain and pinches it off, stopping much of the signal. But I was sorry I said a damn thing.
For 15 years I have maintained a major weight loss BECAUSE of dealing with the "emotional" side of things. Sweets, chocolate, and such, lost its power over me years ago when I learned that I was using them to soothe my emotions AND (most important) when I began to make positive changes in my life for ME. I chose the band at this point in my life to finish what I had started so long ago and that it may take over the physiological side of my weight problem. Understand that I am not happy with my weight and would finally like to be a healthy thin but my attitude about myself has been...I am beautiful just the way I am. I made a decicion to do something about the constant torcher of being hungry all the time.
Maybe my doctor didn't remember our conversation about this. But it was like he was telling me that if I fail, it's totally my fault for not having my emotional shit together....and that he had done his part.
I feel bad sharing this being that this is my first posting after surgery. I'm feeling a bit alone and misunderstood right now. But let me say that I am greatful that all went well. My pain was managed and I was well cared for. They put the ventalator in the right pipe cuz I didn't wake up wetahdid
. So...thanks for listening. Next post will be more positive.
I was very surprized to find that I was very hungry the evening after surgery. The next morning I felt like I was starving! When my doctor came in I told him that I was really hungry and he snappped at me. He said, "Well I can't do anything about the emotional side of things. Some people don't lose any weight on the band and some people GAIN weight!" I was shocked that he would say that to me. My heart sank and he must have seen the look on my face. Then he turned around and said, "You're gonna do good....you're gonna do good." My head hung down and I just said, "I hope so."
In my medicated mind what I was really trying to say was "is this normal to be so hungry at this point....will it go away?" And a part of me was a little scared that the band wouldn't take care of the constant hunger I was experiencing before surgery....and that was the major point of getting the band for me. It was my understanding that the band wraps around the vegas nerve that sends hunger signals to the brain and pinches it off, stopping much of the signal. But I was sorry I said a damn thing.
For 15 years I have maintained a major weight loss BECAUSE of dealing with the "emotional" side of things. Sweets, chocolate, and such, lost its power over me years ago when I learned that I was using them to soothe my emotions AND (most important) when I began to make positive changes in my life for ME. I chose the band at this point in my life to finish what I had started so long ago and that it may take over the physiological side of my weight problem. Understand that I am not happy with my weight and would finally like to be a healthy thin but my attitude about myself has been...I am beautiful just the way I am. I made a decicion to do something about the constant torcher of being hungry all the time.
Maybe my doctor didn't remember our conversation about this. But it was like he was telling me that if I fail, it's totally my fault for not having my emotional shit together....and that he had done his part.
I feel bad sharing this being that this is my first posting after surgery. I'm feeling a bit alone and misunderstood right now. But let me say that I am greatful that all went well. My pain was managed and I was well cared for. They put the ventalator in the right pipe cuz I didn't wake up wetahdid
. So...thanks for listening. Next post will be more positive.
November 4, 2007
Nov 04, 2007
Aprox. 18 hours to go. It's sorta like Christmas eve yet not really real. What a journey it has been to finally get to this place. I started investigating lapband a couple of years ago. But everyone thought I was nuts for wanting to go to Mexico. But at the time it was the only option available. But there were too many negatives about it to continue the process. Money was one but what about getting the fills? That's one of the biggest benefits about the band.....is to adjust it so that it works for you.
I am told that after being banded that there will be, again, a lot of patience required. It's amazing when you realize just how small amount 1cc is. But I guess it makes a huge difference.
Even now I'm a bit on edge worrying that something will happen at the last minute and they'll say I can't have the surgery. I read one woman's blog who was actually on the operating table about to be put under when the nurse came in the room and said...."Wait, she's pregnant." Can you imagine??!! Don't think that's going to be the case for me...THANKFULLY.
So now it's about getting ready to make the 3 hour trip. I'll be busy so I'm sure these last few hours will fly by. Good day everyone and....well...bye for now.
I am told that after being banded that there will be, again, a lot of patience required. It's amazing when you realize just how small amount 1cc is. But I guess it makes a huge difference.
Even now I'm a bit on edge worrying that something will happen at the last minute and they'll say I can't have the surgery. I read one woman's blog who was actually on the operating table about to be put under when the nurse came in the room and said...."Wait, she's pregnant." Can you imagine??!! Don't think that's going to be the case for me...THANKFULLY.
So now it's about getting ready to make the 3 hour trip. I'll be busy so I'm sure these last few hours will fly by. Good day everyone and....well...bye for now.
Nov. 1, 2007
Nov 01, 2007
Wow...It's now November. For the last couple of days I was thinking some weird thoughts. I'm sure it's totally normal to worry if this will indeed work. "What if I fail....what if it doesn't work....what if I can't follow the rules." But today I feel very confident that I will be successful.
When friends start questioning you and sounding negative about you getting this proceedure don't get upset with them and say to yourself that they must not really be friends. I think we need the "ying" and "yang" in life to help ensure us that we are on the right path for ourselves. Besides, they may feel a bit threatened about you moving fast forward. We connect with people for reasons that are similar about each other. When you move on, that connection may not exist anymore. Think about being an example and loving and kind and not letting ego get in the way. "Ego" would say, "well, screw them!" But Love would be understanding that your friends want to move fast forward too but don't know how and are sad for themselves to let you go.
Don't let yourself say to yourself about anyone, "I am going to be SO in-yer-face with my new beautiful self and make you feel bad for ever hurting me" and "Now I can be the one with MY nose up in the air about YOU." Is that who you really want to become? This is a humbling journey....about understanding others...extending a hand...truely understanding other's pain and the human experience both inside and outside of obesity. What feels better than thin? The warmth of knowing your heart is in the right place.
When friends start questioning you and sounding negative about you getting this proceedure don't get upset with them and say to yourself that they must not really be friends. I think we need the "ying" and "yang" in life to help ensure us that we are on the right path for ourselves. Besides, they may feel a bit threatened about you moving fast forward. We connect with people for reasons that are similar about each other. When you move on, that connection may not exist anymore. Think about being an example and loving and kind and not letting ego get in the way. "Ego" would say, "well, screw them!" But Love would be understanding that your friends want to move fast forward too but don't know how and are sad for themselves to let you go.
Don't let yourself say to yourself about anyone, "I am going to be SO in-yer-face with my new beautiful self and make you feel bad for ever hurting me" and "Now I can be the one with MY nose up in the air about YOU." Is that who you really want to become? This is a humbling journey....about understanding others...extending a hand...truely understanding other's pain and the human experience both inside and outside of obesity. What feels better than thin? The warmth of knowing your heart is in the right place.
Oct. 31, 2007
Oct 31, 2007
Oh my! I only have 5 more days....actually 4 more days cuz it's really like 1:00 in the morning. I had my pre op testing done today. They took blood, urine, an EKG and a chest x-ray. There shouldn't be anything wrong but I am anxious until I get the ok with the results. I drove 3 hours down there yesterday and back 3 hours to home tonight. Then I must turn right back around and drive 3 hours back on Sunday and then it's to the hospital by 7:30am on Monday. My surgery is supose to be at 9:30am. Mmmm...K. Just had to post something and get some of my excitement off my chest. Soon I will be a bandster!
Oct. 29, 2007
Oct 29, 2007
I'm down to the wire! One week to go and today is the first day of the pre-op diet. It's kinda hard. But it is a lot easier to "have" to do it under a doctors orders than if I were trying once again to lose a few pounds. I find that very interesting that there would be a difference. The thoughts that we allow ourselves to think and the things we allow ourselves to say to ourselves makes huge differences both positive or negative. It's up to us. They say that your thoughts preceed your actions. That's a lot to ponder but even more to actually live. I choose to change the negative thoughts into positive ones when they come.
Oct. 27, 2007
Oct 27, 2007
I don't want to forget how I feel physically right now. I don't want to ever forget the terrible bloat in my stomach...how I feel like I am waddling when I walk....how I can hardly breath. I don't want to ever forget this awful feeling. Crossing my legs at the computer is almost impossible. I feel like I want to hide. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't even know if I want to take a picture of myself right now. I have nine days to go. I am actually looking forward to starting the pre-op diet on Monday. I'm sure I will find some relief. Why don't I start it now?...Because I'm afraid I'll lose too much weight before the surgery and they'll tell me "sorry, you don't qualify anymore." What will it be like to weigh 120? What will it be like to weigh 150? Even when I weighed around 170 a few years ago when I lost all that weight I felt and looked great. I had lost 75 lbs. with hardly any effort. I didn't really even go on a diet but of course I was eating differently and getting a lot of exersize. But I had changed my whole life around and I didn't need to use food as a drug anymore. It was important to understand that I was using food as a drug in the first place (thankyou OA). I really think the band will help me in the battle of weight now that I am older and other factors are playing a part...such as menopause, genetics, and a set point. I am 9 days away....JUST 9 DAYS!
Oct. 25, 2007
Oct 25, 2007
I HAVE A DATE!
I am sooooo happy! As I type this, a comercial for yet another weight loss plan is on the TV. And they can no longer mock me...take my money...Interest me as the 'new' thing that I need to stop the madness. Yesterday I read a lot of profiles here. I found both success and some horror stories. The bad experiences (not being able to make the changes...gaining weight....not losing) would be like dying (surgery) going to heaven and then realizing you are in hell. I am greatful for all the stories here. I am not going to let the "bad" ones bother me. Guess we need the "bad" to really appreciate the good.....and it is going to be good for me and I will work this responsibly and find the success. I feel that I have a responsibility to myself and to others as well. I want to be there for anyone who may be able to learn from my experience in a possitive way.
