StephanieF.

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6/2/06  The meeting with the psych. went well today...I enjoyed talking with her.  I was honest and told her all about my past history with food issues, my family history of obesity, my family history of ill-health from obesity, how much I had read and researched the subject of WLS, that I was attending support groups, etc.  She asked me some questions, gave me some suggestions for alternate things to do when having head-hunger, etc.  One idea was to begin "feeding" the other senses...maybe make a small area in my room where I could go when I need to escape head hunger that would be relaxing, maybe have a good smelling candle, some music I love, some lotion that smells good, something beautiful to look at, etc.  Just a "me" place.  It's worth trying...I'm sure that it will be hard to let go of the ability to just go snack every time the impulse hits.  I guess that's the hardest part, learning what to do when I can't eat.  Anyway, she said that she saw no reason why I wouldn't be successful with this surgery, and that if I needed any counseling at any time if I am struggling with the food issues to please feel free to call her.   Then she said she'd probably get the report to my surgeon by Monday, but if not Monday def. next week sometime.  Then my file will be sent off to the ins. company!  Pray with me, you guys, that the person who gets my case at BC/BS of Minnesota will approve me!  I would love to have this surgery before the summer's end, if possible.  If it takes longer, fine, it would just be nice.  :)

 

6/1/06  My mother-in-law and my favorite aunt called me yesterday, and I told them the news about the call from my dr. and the cheaper psych.  I told them about my yard sale idea, and my aunt said, "Aw no, we'll have that money Friday...go ahead and make that appointment."  So sweet and cute.  After thanking her profusely I called the psych to see if her Friday morning was still open, and it was! Yes!  So tomorrow is the big day!  I'm looking forward to having my brain picked over for some reason.  I'll post afterwards to journal my thoughts on it, so I won't forget.  :)

5/30/06  Wow!  I got some pretty good news today!  First, I thought I would call a psychologist who is nearer my home than the first one I called, and found out that she only charges $150, which is half the price of the first one I called!!  Yes!  I don't have the money for it right now, but am thinking I have to find a way to get it together, a yard sale or something, because, and here's the second bit of good news:
My surgeon's office called me later and said that my file looks complete, with enough evidence of 12 months of pcp directed wl attempts, to send it off as soon as they receive my psych evaluation!!!  I can't believe it!  If you're reading this, pray that I can scratch that money together somehow as soon as possible!  I am ready to get this ball rolling! 

 

5/27/06  I made it back safely from our trip to Florida!  We had a good trip...the first three days my dad was with us, and he really didn't say anything rude this time....I was so thankful.  I think the advice on here from some of the members who told me I should talk about the weight gain issues before I saw him so he wouldn't hurt me with his comments about it were right on target.  It really helped.  The only snide remark he made wasn't in my presence, it was in front of my sister and my 13 year old son.  My dad was looking through my book, "WLS for Dummies," that had been left on the dining room table, and my son asked him if reading that book "freaked him out."  My dad said he believed he'd "put down the fork before he'd go through that."  Okay, so he doesn't get it, does he?  He doesn't understand the addiction, the entrapment, the oppression.  He doesn't remember the years and years of my spending money on diet plans, the doctor visits for help when I was younger, the numerous times I gained every single pound back after the losses.  How frustrating!  But it can't be about him.  This is something I want to do for me.  I need to do this to be free from the slavery to obesity and food addiction!  If I could simply put down the fork  I would, now wouldn't I? 

Well, in the process of attempting to have the surgery, I'm now working on getting together the money ($300) to have my psych consult, as my ins. says I have to pay for it.  They require it, then won't pay for it.  Nice.  So anyway, that's what I'm doing, and hope to have it done by the middle of June.  Then we'll see what else we need to show in terms of months I have worked with a physician on the weight loss, etc.  I wish it weren't 12 months!  But at least I have good coverage after I do the time.  :)  I shouldn't complain.

My mother-in-law is now in support of me having the surgery, by the way!  She talked at length with a friend of hers while we were all in Florida, and this friend is two years out from her RNY.  She is doing great, looks wonderful, and was a great source of information for her.  She came away excited for me, and said she really wants me to do it.  At least that's one person in my husband's family who approves! 

 

5/16/06  I went to our support group meeting last night.  It was a smaller group of people this time, but that actually made it nice, as most of the people who talk out loud in various conversations while the main speaker speaks weren't there.  I know everyone is excited to tell what's happening to them, I just wish that everyone would be courteous so we can hear, and wait their turn.
I really like the people who do come; they all have experience in what I want to do, which is change my body and my life with WLS.
There are some really nice women there; Freda, of course, is amazingly nice and wise, and Sherry, Sally, Valerie, Debbie, DeAnndra, and others who are in various stages of the post-op life and are open to talking about it and answering questions.  It's really encouraging to me, and helps me get through another month of waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I think I need another book to read, as I have pretty well read "WLS for Dummies" from cover to cover.  ;)  It helps me feel like at least I am doing something positive toward the goal if I am reading and learning. 
Just a few more days until I go to Florida!  Believe it or not, I had a really good talk with my dad the other day.  Of course, he asked about my weight, and I told him honestly that I'm not doing well at all controlling it, and we talked without him judging me and pretty openly for the first time in I don't know when.  We talked about this surgery, and why I feel that it is necessary for me.
He is not against it, but of course he will worry when the time comes, esp. since I'll be 13 hours away in TX when I'm having it, not anywhere near him, and he doesn't travel, so he won't be able to be here.  I know he'll think of me and he'll pray and wait by the phone to hear that I'm okay.  He wants me to be thin so much, and I can only hope that it is 99% for my health to be good, and only 1% vanity, wanting his daughter to be thin.  :)  It doesn't matter, ultimately, because I'm doing this for ME, so that I can be healthy for my own life.  I want to be around to see my children grow up and have their own happy families, Lord willing, and not to be in and out of hospitals with complications from diabetes and heart problems, like most of the older people in my family.  I don't want my husband to find me dead on our bathroom floor like my grandfather found my grandmother, and like my dad found my mom.  I want to break the cycle. 

5/5/06  Dr. Babineau's office called me this morning...Freda said I need to get in my psych evaluation, so I called Dr. Fries office, and was told that it is around $400...then she said if my copay applies, it is $250, which now that I've hung up, I don't understand.  Does that mean that I'll have to pay my copay plus $250?  I'll have to ask her after she calls back with my ins. company's info.

Freda also said that the records my pcp's office sent over were unreadable, they were so light.  I don't even have a clue why a med. records person would look at a copy, see that it's too light to read, and continue printing it instead of adding more ink to the machine, and then go on and send the unreadable copy to the surgeon.  How ridiculous.   Freda said she'd try to darken it up enough to read with her copier, but if she can't she'll call me and believe me, I will have to complain about this to my pcp's office.  Or maybe I shouldn't complain, as I need their cooperation.  I just don't know why the girl that copied that bothered to send it on.  What is the point?

I also have to meet with the surgeon's dietician, which is a $75 fee.  THAT I can afford, unlike $400 for the psych eval.  I can't imagine what people do who don't even have insurance!

 

5/3/06
In two weeks and two days I am going to Florida to see my dad and my sister.  I can't wait to see my sis, because I love her so much and she wouldn't judge me no matter what....if I showed up weighing 600 pounds, 90 pounds, with purple hair, whatever, she'd just be happy to see me.  It's my dad that makes me dread it.  The look on his face, the constant talk of how worried he is about me, etc., makes me dread the trip.  I know he means it when he says he is worried about my health, but it's the appearance thing that bothers him most, and always has, and I hate to go face him at my weight now.  I've never weighed this much before, and I know I don't look good, and I know it's not healthy, etc. etc., but he feels compelled to tell me all the time.  I wish he could someday be genuinely filled with joy to see me, not based on how I look or anything, but just because I'm me. 

I called Freda at Dr. Babineau's office yesterday, and she has a stack of charts on her desk, mine included, that she'll be going through this week.  I hope she can give me some idea how much longer it will be for me.  Tomorrow wouldn't be too soon!  :)

Just a few words about how it feels to be morbidly obese.  I hope that one day this will be a distant memory and this will serve as a reminder.
I am not sleeping well.  At 304 pounds I can't get comfortable in bed...I use three pillows to try to get situated in bed, but still I'll wake up with an arm painfully asleep, or will wake up a few times from light sleep because I can't breathe well....like if I'm lying flat on my back my throat feels smaller inside, sort of, so I can't breathe as well.  So I have to lie on my side, and end up with painful arms. 
Then, when I am up doing stuff during the day I end up so sleepy because I'm not sleeping well at night, so I'll take a nap...when I wake up it'll be two hours later, and I'll feel so groggy and my head will hurt.
I have to use my asthma inhaler more often, because the heavier I have gotten the worse my asthma has gotten.
I feel the weight of my body so heavily as I try to do basic chores around the house.  It is literally weighing me down.  The discomfort of it is awful, and it makes me feel so for the people who are bigger than I am....how they survive it I don't know. 

 

4/20/06
I requested that my records from my pcp be sent over to the bariatric surgeon, Dr. Hugh Babineau's, office.  I put in the request a week ago today, so hopefully they have received them.  Freda said she would go through them and highlight anything that would contribute to my 12 months of physician directed WL attempt for my ins., BC/BS of Minnesota.  I hope it turns out that I'm farther along in the process than I expect.  It depends on the records of my PCP, so she'll let me know, I guess.  I also still need to go get my psych evaluation done, which is the other requirement of my ins. company.  I think I'm pretty sane and will handle it okay!  :)

I still read the messageboards here on OH a lot.  It seems like people go through a definite process when it comes to WLS. Almost like people who have lost a loved one go through a grieving process...denial, anger, etc.
Well, the pattern I see with WLS is first the person hears from someone or reads about WLS, and they say, "No way, I'm not going through that, I can do this some other way."  I went through that when my previous PCP, Dr. Spain, replied to me (when I asked him if he could help me lose weight somehow) that based on his experience there's no hope other than weight loss surgery for permanent weight loss.  Of course I didn't want to hear that, so I went home and cried.  Then I tried various other ways to lose weight on my own, such as Atkins (very briefly...hated it!) and Metabolic Research System (very $$$$, but worked while I was on it...gained all my weight back plus more now, of course)  Weight Watchers, which strengthened my obsession with food with all the rituals and points and stuff, and then at home I tried South Beach, which is a great, healthy way to eat, I just can't do it on my own.  I need some source of external control, which is what a dr. can give me with this surgery.
When my ob/gyn said to me last October that I might want to consider WLS while I was still young and healthy, because if I wait, in six years I'll have to deal with surgery with diabetes, HBP, etc.  He feels like now would be better, health wise.  I was a little freaked out and also a little excited, because if a dr. I respect thinks it's an option for me, it must be something pretty good.  So he handed me the number of Dr. Babineau, who is the dr. I had read about already and thought I would use if I ever really went through with it.
I went to Dr. B's info seminar, talked to him with my husband in his office, and he feels that I'd be a good candidate for the surgery.  I still was scared, though, scared of dying of the surgery.  So I'd flip flop, one day thinking I'd just go have the LAP Band surgery, next week I'd be back to RNY.  I just think that RNY is a better choice for me, as it does so much of the disciplining that I need with the dumping and all.
Still, the fear was there.  I don't want to leave my children and husband, you know?  I love them so much and don't want them to have to deal with such a painful thing.  But the more I read statistics and read books and here on OH, I feel more confident that I have a very good chance at a healthy outcome, as I have some things going for me:
a) a very good, experienced surgeon....very important for a safe surgery
b) I'm only 39
c) Although I'm heavy enough to need this surgery and would love to lose 160 or so pounds, I'm not Super Morbidly Obese, and those dear people have a riskier surgery ahead of them than someone my size
d)I have only one health problem at this point, asthma, so I am still pretty healthy as far as I know.

And if I comply with all my dr.s orders, in walking asap after surgery and every day at home, drinking all my fluids, taking my supplements, etc., I have a better chance of good health, as well.  Of course, anything can happen at anytime to anyone; any of us could be killed or get some disease or whatever and not survive....but that's up to the Sovereign God that I love, not me.  I am in His hands no matter where I am on this earth, and when He's ready to take me home, it won't matter where I am or what I'm doing.  All I can do is pray for mercy and safety and do my part to be a good steward of what He's given me.

My husband's family is still not thrilled about my decision to have the surgery.  Someone always has some bad thing to tell me about the friend of a friend or someone's step-daughter or whatever.  The latest is that my m-i-l was talking to a friend in Florida (both of whom I love to death, they're wonderful women) and the friend said that her sister-in-law has replaced her eating addiction with a shopping addiction and that some other woman in the family had it and is now dealing with depression....like I'm now supposed to renounce my decision based on those two ladies' problems!  Why don't they ever tell me anything positive they've heard?  They always run to me with the negative.  I know it's just because they don't want anything to happen to me, but I wish they'd stop trying to scare me out of it.  I know all the risks, they don't have to tell me all the stories they hear through the grapevine!

4/8/06  Okay, I finally got word two days ago that my lungs are going to be fine, just have asthma, no pulmonary fibrosis!  Praise God for that!  I sure wasn't ready to leave my husband and children behind.
Which brings me to my next topic...WLS.  I am still hearing from husband's family members that I better not do this surgery, that I could be the ONE that dies, etc.  I know it's not 100 percent certain that I won't have any problems, but the vast, vast majority have no problems with it, and only minor complications, like hernias or a stricture, but not deadly things.  I am going to pray that God will open doors for me if He wants me to do this, and close them if He has another way for me.  Also, that I'll be safe and sound when I do have the surgery if He allows it.  I'm ultimately, always in His great, loving hands, no matter what I'm doing or where I'm going.  Whether I'm on the operating table, in a car, on a plane, or shopping in the mall, I'm not going to die until God ordains it.  And statistically speaking, I have more chance of dying in a car accident (God forbid) than I do of dying in the surgery. (ditto)  :)
I prefer to die gracefully of old age, personally, than either of those ways!!

That's it for now...well, I am going to request that my pcp will send my records to my bariatric surgeon's office.  They are going to look over them and see what dates I have been observed and commented on about my weight, etc.  I sure would love to get insurance approval over the summer, before school begins again!  If anyone reads this, could you help me pray for that?  Thanks! :)
And let me know if I can pray for YOU. 

3/29/06  I have had a health scare, and am having my lungs checked out by my PCP and the head of radiology at TMF. There was some evidence of fibrosis (scarring) on my xray, and we need to find out if it's just from my asthma, or if there's something else going on.  If it's pulmonary fibrosis it is a condition that worsens, so we're praying AGAINST that scenario.  I'll know more in the next couple of days.  If anyone reads this, please pray that my lungs are fine and will not get any further damage.  :)  Thank you!