HeatherRae

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Is gone.  I lose it in large handfuls.  I feel clumps of it run done my leg in the shower and I have to clean my drain out nightly.  I have resorted to keep it in a ponytail to 1. not have my back full of hair all day 2. only have the shock twice a day of how much I am losing 3. so I don't have to notice the thinness all day.  It's horrible.  Now, I would not want my hair back and be fat again.  I love all the weight I've lost!  I get so much positive attention...especially from my husband.  It's like when we first started dating.  I'm about at that weight too.

Eating is going well.  I can eat pretty normally...veggies are my fav but I work hard to get my protein in.  I do dump with a lot of sugar.  I really don't get cravings for sweet stuff anymore.  Hamburger makes me want to throw up just thinking about it and that used to be my favorite!

I just started getting the comments...."you aren't going to lose much more are you".  That is usually from larger people and it really doesn't bother me.  It really wouldn't bother me if I didn't lose anymore weight.  I'm at 195lbs and i feel good and look good.  But to be healthy I need to lose probably another 40 lbs.  I wonder what that will look like?

I would like to apologize to my collar bones for touching and looking at you so much.  I didn't realize how much I would miss you until you showed up again.

Why am I so nervous to go to a support group?  I am usually so outgoing but for some reason I can't make myself go.  UGH!  I know I need to get over it.  I'm nervous people won't like me, ie, not talk to me, which in turn must mean they don't like me...insecurities gallore!  This coming from the girl who was voted most outgoing in high school.  Well, that was 13 years ago and this is now.  This is a support group for people like me...they have been where I am at....what is my problem?!?!?!?!?  Aside from my silly fear of them not liking me, I'm scared I'll say something stupid which in turn will make them not like me!  Another fear....they already have their friends in the group.  I'll go there alone, everyone will talk to their friends they already know, they'll make plans and chit chat and I'll sit there alone.  Dumb dumb dumb, I know!  None of that is rational and why can't I pick someone out and talk to them?  Maybe I need to bring a friend with me the first time I go.  Is it bad I don't know of any of my friends who would go with me?  All I can do is ask I guess.  There's one tonite.....deep breath...maybe next week. 

I had a really good Easter.  There was a lot of family I hadn't seen in a long time.  Everybody knew about my surgery and some people asked questions and some didn't.  Some people acknowledged my weight loss and some didn't.  Either way I didn't mind. 
I was able to eat ham, turkey, a deviled egg, a little broccoli and cheese, a bite of potato casserole.  I ate all of that over several hours but I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything and I got all of my protein in.  I also didn't get sick which was HUGE!!.  I'm feeling good eating wise.  I think I'm in a good place.
I'm having a little trouble with my emotions.  I can definetely tell my hormones are out of whack.  I'm going to work on that though.  All in all, I think I'm through the worst of it!

Ok, so I still throw up.  Yesterday was bad!  I threw up twice.  I ended up having some cheese and crackers and a protein shake all day that stayed down.  That's one of my problems.  If I throw up I know I'm not getting enough calories in...I know it!  I am also not getting in enough protein because i throw it up.  Today I was able to eat 2 pieces of turkey and 2 pieces of cheese from the lunchables.  not bad.  I was able to keep it down and I wasn't uncomfortable.  Liquids I'm doing pretty well with.

Vitamins...let me be honest...not good.  Which I think is my lack of energy and foggy problem.  note to self....GET THEM DOWN!  MAKE IT HABIT! 

Exercise..also, not good.  I have no energy.  After getting my baby to the babysitters working all day and all of the house hold duties, I've got nothing left.  note to self....GET UP EARLY AND GET IT DONE!

Well, this has been productive...I think tomorrow is going to be better!

Ok, I'm not going to sugar coat anything...this is a blog, my blog.  Feel free to tell me everthing I'm doing wrong and that I have a piss poor attitude and I will probably agree with most of it.  So, go ahead and dish it out...I can take it.  I am exactly 2 weeks out and my arch nemisis is head hunger.  What a BITCH!  I think about food way too much still...not good stuff either...can I put a wendy's double bacon cheeseburger in the blender??? I have lost 20lbs.  Do you want to know how happy I am about that....I don't care at all!! I throw up at least once a day and I know it's my fault.  I didn't chew chew chew or it was too dry or maybe it was a little early to try that.  I'm GRUMPY!! and I'm tired and clumsy and forgetful...no, I do not think I'm getting all my protein in....I throw it up all the time!!  I threw up a scrambled egg!  It hurts...sometimes....eating hurts.  Then I go back to my liquid stuff and it all goes down fine.  I'm supposed to be on soft foods but maybe it's too early for me...I don't know....UGH!!  I am dealing with feelings of extreme regret!

Ok, enough of how I feel here is what I know....it will get better.  My surgeon told me as I was being released that I would hate him for the first 3 months but after that it will be the best thing I ever did.  I am assuming it is times like this he was talking about.  My head is why I was so unhealthy and I will tame the beast.  My clothes fit better and somethings are loose, I may not care now but I will...people are already noticing...some people, not all.  This is not only about me, it is also about my husband and daughter.  They deserve better from me and I will give it.  It has only been 2 weeks...sometimes I feel like it has been a month...I need to slow down and concentrate.  Deep breath in through the nose and out the mouth....this is to have a better life.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you.  My energy has been low but I'm starting to get that back on track.  I had my surgery Tuesday the 16th at 8:30am.  Everything went smoothly.  When I was waking up I felt a TON of pain.  All I could remember was in my last WLS class the nurse telling me if I was in pain tell them so they could help me.  Well, I'm sure they had no problems knowing I was in pain, I was shouting it at them.  I scared my mom and husband but they shortly felt better after a couple hours I was taking laps around the hospital like a champ!  Walk, walk, walk.  I knew that was important.  I remember the "shrinking titan" telling me to walk all night long every few hours even if the nurses don't get you up.  So, that's what I did.  The nurses never had to get me up I was calling for them so I could walk.  The 2nd and 3rd day were the toughest but as long as I was walking it wasn't bad.  My husband took my 18 month old daughter to his parents today and tomorrow.  I think that will help.  I can concentrate on getting on a good nutrition schedule.  It's so hard not to pick her up and to tell you the truth I've cheated twice .  Most of the time though I sit on the couch and help her climb up...the only problem with that is there is no warning when she's ready to get down and she wants to put her elbow right in my gut.  Ugh!  So it will help for her not to be here for a couple days so I can more quickly get back to being the mommy she needs!

I guess my aunt told my mom that she knows 4 people who have had this surgery and they all gained their weight back which worried my mom.  I explained to my mom that this is not a fix it is a tool.  I am a food addict.  I will have to keep myself in check forever.  If I use this tool correctly it will help retrain myself how to eat.  People can and will gain their weight back.  I will not.  Not because it is not possible but because I understand that this is a life decision, my surgery is a tool to help. 

Just 1 day to Tuesday 2/16 at 8am.  I guess there were some people who needed it quicker than I do for gull bladder problems so they bumped me. I'm not really too concerned.  It actually gives me an extra day to get over this cold.  I started antibiotics on Monday with a shot of cortizone.  I should be good to go by Tuesday.  

I'm not really nervous at all.  Is that crazy?    Maybe the closer it gets the more nervous I will become.  We'll see!

So, I have decided I want to jump rope with my little girl.  I saw a comercial with a dad jumping rope with his daughter.  That's what I want to be able to do.

So I am 1 week and 3 days from my surgery.  I'm nervous about ending my love affair with food.  Yes, it has been a love affair, an addiction really.  Cross addictions make me nervous.  But, I'm going to find things to do...exercise, work on my business...etc. 

I am SOOOOOO excited about what is to come for my life!  This is only the begining!

I got some of my pre op testing done yesterday.  I decided to switch to a private room after seeing how close the beds were together in the semi private rooms.  I don't even sleep that close to my husband in our king bed.    It's $38 per night and for me well worth it.   

So, I put myself out there....posted on a message board with out a thought in the world that it would turn too bad.  I figured that some would not relate or agree....and that was true and some did relate and agree.  It turned ugly quick and became counter productive.  I love my family and my friends.  My little girl wants and deserves my time and attention as does my husband.  Although it was only a couple days it was WAY too much on trivial things and I let myself get baited into arguments that I wasn't going to win no matter how much I thought I made sense.  Some people just want to fight.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO...I'm back on track my friends.  Loving life and getting ready for surgery.  Now I
DONOT regret all of the above because I have met A LOT of great new people on here which was the point anyway and I feel stronger!  People who I can learn from and I can hopefully pay it back with support!!  You all know who you are and some of you got attacked in the crossfire.  Thanks...you don't know me and didn't have to stick up for me, but I appreciate you more than you know!!

I got some GREAT advice from  new friend on here.  I'm telling you he should write a book on the info he has about vitamins and the hospital stay and just really great stuff I didn't hear about!  My hubby was greatful when I showed him all the info.  Deep breath...I'm SOOOO EXCITED!!!  I'm ready!!