My way of life now...

Dec 19, 2010

My name is Marge..."Large Marge"

I am nearly 33 years old.  I live in the midwest with my husband of 10 years and 3 children ages 9, 7 and 2.  I work a desk job for a government administrative contractor.  My social life revolves around my children.  My hobbies at home include watching tv, reading, knitting, and crafting.  I don't hide from life, but I don't feel like I offer myself many opportunities to enjoy life outside of my family anymore.

My facebook page lists many friends.  My cellphone lists quite a few less.  The last time I went out socially to connect with one of those friends was the beginning of summer.  So my life feels full of aquaintences.

Obesity runs in my family.  There are slim examples running both lines, but not many.  My family isn't the "clean your plate " type.  They were the "Let's celebrate with food, let's mourn with food" type.  Everytime a kid crys they are handed something to eat to feel better.

Looking back at baby pictures I was born fat (almost 10 lbs).  I was only a bit over average size through early grade school.  Around 1st and 2nd grade I was molested.  I turned to food for comfort and insurance to avoid people wanting to touch me and hurt me.  I heard a statistic that a child of molestation is 50% more likely to have a child that will be molested.  Because of that I started treatment during my teens.  During group therapy I was the only young woman to not have had an unwanted pregnancy or a drug problem.  For by the grace of God...

During group therapy I heard many of the girls explain their actions "I am this way because...[of my molestation].  Although it was easy to be empathetic, I still struggled with that attempt at rationalization.  I understood then that many victims of molestation continue to hurt themselves with addictions and bad relationships.  A terrible thing happened to you that was not your fault and not your choice.  Grieve that the person you were before no longer exists.  You survived that horrible tragedy.  Choose now not to be a victim and live!!

I am grateful that I have not succumbed to the pitfals of drug addictions, bad relationships, unlawful choices.  I know now that I was just as damaged as my peers.  I just put a candy bar to my mouth instead of a bottle of jack.  I am still wounded and my wounds are evident to everyone that sees this morbidly obese person.

Please God, help me.  I want to heal.  I have forgiven those that have hurt me.  I have learned bad habits.  I need to forgive myself now and move on with life.  I know that the people that hurt me then can't continue to hurt me now.  It's time to loose this insulation between me and the people that can hurt me.  I am the one hurting me now by continuing on with this obese lifestyle.  Please God, help me to heal.

Please God, you gave me such a beautiful life with a husband I adore and 3 wonderful children.  Let me be the wife to that husband until death many many many years from now.  Mother Mary show me how to be the mother to Your children that You intend me to be.  AMEN!

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