sionnaingeal
Why I hate cardio.
May 20, 2009
Normally I'd do cardio on an eliptical or bike machine. I watched TV or listened to music. I got very bored very quickly. I didn't like the repetitive motion and I felt like it wasn't getting me anywhere.
For the first time since surgery, I have started to instead, do cardio outside. Its hotter, but there's a breeze. I don't like the gravel on the track, to me its like walking on beach sand. Very hard on the ankles. But I noticed something. Something that now that I think about it, seems pretty obvious.
I was moving forward. Not just moving (like on a machine) but moving forward. There was constant forward motion that really made me feel like I was getting (and going) somewhere. I was so surprised, watching the trees and grass go by me, how natural and wonderful it felt to move. I even went into little spurts of jogging at some points. I could take long strides and really push and lengthen my muscles, or short quick jogging steps and get my heart rate up
Darnit, why didn't I see this before! I'm just a creature of the planet. I have these innate instincts that tell me cardio on a machine is unnatural, doesn't feel right. You're moving but not traveling. So I avoided it. Disliked it. Got bored very easily with it. But I still knew that I needed cardio, I needed to get up and move.
Sometimes I think our primitive selves have it right. (most of the time actually... but hey, society says we can't go be monkeys in a tree anymore) I like moving, but I also like feeling like I accomplished something. On an eliptical, I did all that movement and all I had were these mathmatical calculations that measured calorie burn by my inputted weight by time, difficulty and heart rate. But I didn't go anywhere. I was in the same spot I started. I didn't learn anything. I didn't feel anything. It was empty exercise.
Now outside, on the track... (which goes from parkinglot, into a woodsy area, swamp, grassy areas... etc) I can scare birds, get hit with spider webs, smell the grass, watch planes land, and actually get from point A to point B... and arrive in a different place than I started from. That sense of accomplishment is really something else, something I wanted but couldn't put my finger on before now. There is real live interaction with what I'm doing on the track. I learn where the trouble spots are for running into webs, where the gravel is thickest and how to avoid those patches...
I mean its not rocket science, I guess. I just think I've learned something about myself as a healthy, active persion. If I want to be active. Get the heck outside!
(I sound like my mom when I was a kid, don't I...)
Food. The Love/Hate relationship. A reflection.
Mar 26, 2009
I love food.
I like the sensation of eating and tasting. I don't necessarily like the feeling of being full (maybe I equate it with overfull) because I think I've had too much. But I also hate feeling deprived. I'm starting to make different food choices as I BOTT, but that age old love/hate thing keeps popping back in my brain.I love junk food too.
Gimmie a handful of Cheeze-its or Goldfish. I am a crack(er) adict. Likely its more an addiction to bad carbs than much else, but I do enjoy that crunchy feeling. I do hate that greasy coating it leaves on l my tongue and lips. That pizza at the lunch line does tempt me so, and then I go get a wrap instead. Do I feel deprived? I'm not so sure. I do eat the wrap and enjoy it. But sometimes the pizza taunts me in the back of my mind. I sometimes find myself wondering if I can work the rest of the day's diet around a slice of pizza. Its a poor choice and I always seem to be able to forego that sicillian slice for something better. So what am I saying? I guess that I love eating. But I hate feeling (over)full. I also hate the guilt of eating the wrong foods. I wonder if I'm going to find that balance of loving what I eat and eating the right stuff. It seems like a struggle right now which makes getting BOTT difficult. There are certain good foods and Iove and certain junk foods I hate. And vise versa. Hmm. Maybe I'm more saying... I love food and I hate that there are bad foods out there to tempt me so!
It probably wouldn't be so bad if I could forget what was so tastey about them. In the end, I suppose if eating the right food was easy, we wouldn't have junk out there. Rather than greasy burgers and chilli fries, there'd just be gyros and baked chicken. I miss the bad stuff, but it made me feel nasty.
Both emotionally and physically. And then you wonder what the point was. I wish I could maintain that feeling, that feeling of "what was the point" all the time. Then I'd look at that slice and remember how yucky I felt the last time. Rather than how good it'll taste this time. Temptation is out there everywhere you look in this country. I wish it had a little disclaimer... (Psst... what's the point?) How helpful would that be? 
Well while I dream of a world built for post-ops, I'll sip my water and hope to stave off temptation for another day. Thanks for reading.
Accomplishment? Maybe.
Mar 26, 2009
Now on a normal day, I'd wait 10 minutes, have another bite... wait, have another bite... and eventually finish it.
Instead, I went strait to myfitnesspal.com and adjusted the intake accordingly and threw it away. I still feel very satisfied, not overfull, and looking at my calories for lunch, I am quite pleased.| Lunch | |||||||
| Generic - Baked Chicken, 4.5 oz. breast | 210 | 0 | 5 | 36 | 0 | remove | |
| Peppers - Sweet, green, raw, 0.05 cup, chopped | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | remove | |
| Generic - Lettus - Shredded, 0.25 cup | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | remove | |
| Black Olives, 0.5 tablespoons, sliced | 8 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | remove | |
| Mission Tortillas Plus! - Whole Wheat Four Tortillas, 0.25 Tortilla | 33 | 6 | 1 | 1 | 1 | remove | |
| Add Food Remember Meal | 253 | 6 | 7 | 37 | 1 | ||
So I ultimately only had half of the half of the wrap and most of the chicken. But I did it in a new order. Protein first, then the veggie wrap. I found I got fuller faster than when the chicken was IN the wrap. Does that make sense?.... And I also waterloaded before the meal, so we're hoping that full feeling lasts.
Could I be on to something? I dunno. I just feel I accomplished not finishing the wrap. That's important to me. Because on an average day. I would have.
I don't blog.
Mar 25, 2009
Wow!!
Oct 17, 2006
--Fox
How can this be?
Oct 17, 2006
--Fox
Yes. I'm interesting.
Oct 17, 2006
I am down to 166. Ehrm. That's all!
--Fox
Upgrades completed!
I can't believe its been 3 months already. It went by so fast! And I lost so fast! I'm down 53 lbs, I think... Past my halfway mark. Atleast to my own goal. My surgeon never gave me a good weight to be, soI worked it out myself via BMI charts and my desires... I want to weigh120. I'm 5' tall and have a small frame so I don't think that's all toothin. Everyone keeps calling me skinny lately. Its a little shocking. Idon't look in the mirror enough, maybe, but I don't see skinny! I seeskin, for sure, and alot of it. Heh. I weigh 169 now, and I don'tremember when I last weighed this little. I believe it was high school,about 6 years ago. I am so excited and please with the results. I'm awhole new person and I feel and act differenly than I did three monthsago. I'm never depressed anymore, never really UNHAPPY... I'm almostalways smiling, telling a joke, being happy. I feel so much betterabout myself. Stronger. More confident. I don't dissapoint myselfanymore. I can do more things, move around, react, jump, run, crouch...physically DO things I couldn't dream of 3 months ago. I can touch myelbows behind my back. Its amazing to me. I can KNEEL. I can cross mylegs. I can bend over. I feel real again, normal again. Happy. Just sohappy.
Thank you to my surgeon, support groups, family, friends and everyoneelse who helped influence and support me. Thank you for your kindnessand support and understanding. Thank you for being here with me.
--Fox
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October 2, 2006
I took my parents out for dinner last thursday, and I was wearing the best fitting clothes I had, which was a shirt 2 sizes too big and pants 1 size to big. My parents said I looked great. While we were waiting for our food, my dad mentioned that the shirt I was wearing was way too big and I agreed with him. "I have to wait until my paycheck to go buy some that fit" I said.... he said "well, I can give you some cash. You deserve it, looking so good!"... I was aghast and pleased, and gladdly accepted the cash.
Friday night after work I went off to Wal*Mart of DOOM and began shopping. My only problem was, I had no idea what size to start at. So, I grabbed 2 pairs of each pants I wanted, size 16 and size 14. I grabbed large shirts and sweaters and thought those would be fine. When I went to try on some clothes (I had something like 22 pieces, had to make 4 separate trips into the dressing room!)... I was shocked to find that the 16's I tried first were falling off. "There's no way 14's will fit me" I thought.... but I tried them on anyways. They fit like they were tailor made for me!! (with the exception of length of course!...) Perfect in the waist, the hips, the butt, the thighs.... I was amazed. And they looked GOOD! All pin-stripes and satin strip down the side... They looked like tux pants, you know. And so I tried on ALL the 14's from there out... and they all fit perfectly. I was so excited that I told Ant from INSIDE the dressing room over my cell that I was in a 14. He didn't seem to get as excited as me, but that didn't matter. The next step was shirts and sweaters. So I tried THEM on....... All the larges, except 1 JUNIORS large was too big! I had to go back and get mediums of everything I had grabbed so they would all fit. ME! In a MEDIUM!! I don't ever remember fitting into a medium. Ever. So excited and so thrilled, I ended up leaving Wal*Mart with 7 chuck full bags of clothes, something like 4 sets of pants, 5 or 6 shirts, 2 sweaters, and of COURSE about 7 pairs of cutsie Halloween underwear. And I still had $20 left over from my dad's donation. I love Wal*Mart for that.
So today I am wearing my first outfit for work since shopping, a nicely fitting pair of pin-stripe pants and a brown long-sleeved shirt with the fake collar on it. (and of COURSE, a cutsie pair of Halloween underwear). People are giving me double-takes. I am in clothes that fit and I look GOOD!
What a day, what a shopping spree. What a great mood I'm in!
If I get a moment alone, I promise to post a picture of myself today.
--Fox
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September 25, 2006
Half way there already. I wasn't prepared for it when I went to update my online weight lost and food diary... and it said 51 lbs lost, 51 to go. Half way there. In less than 3 months!This is amazing to me. I can't remember the last time I weighed this little and could maintain it.
It brought on some reflection too, of past efforts, past failures and misery... and what a changed person I am today. It reminded me that just Friday, someone asked me to submit a version of my story, regarding my struggle with weight and my surgery. It was a short version, only 5 pages. I could have gone for 50 I'm sure. And who knows, if I find the time and motivation, I might just do that. I thought it might be a good idea to submit it on here... Read with caution, its long. And gives a bit of insite into my brain. More than I normally ever would dare to share online. But here it is. I felt it was necessary on such a special occassion. Read at your own risk.
My Experiences with Weight Problems and Bariatric Surgery
I’d have to say I really started noticing I had a weight problem when I was pretty young, about junior high school. All the girls were of course much taller, prettier and you guessed it, more popular than me. I began realizing why, too, and it was a reason that made me so self conscious that I became almost a recluse. I was fat. There isn’t any two ways about it, no nicer way to put it. F – A – T. I was full of belly rolls and double chins and arm jigglies. And of course, once your realize it, you go through all the steps.
Denial. I ate what I wanted and got bigger. I’m not fat. I’m just big boned.
Anger. “Why me, what’s wrong with how I look? Why does everyone hate me?” Which reinforced the comfort eating.
Bargaining. I made a deal with myself. I’ll diet if you lose weight. It sometimes worked. Until I’d plateau. Then all was lost and I fell back into the former two steps.
Depression. Which REALLY led into comfort food eating, Not only that, but I began really hating myself, how I looked and this led into how I acted, how I spoke, moved around, fit into the world.
Acceptance. Which, sadly, kind of started the whole cycle over again. Yes. I’m fat. Yes, dieting doesn’t help. Yes, I’m hopeless so I might as well just keep eating.
It was pretty awful, and pretty scarring. I treated myself worse than any of the people around me. It led to some dark times in my life. I would spend most of my time inside, on the couch and eating. You couldn’t pay me to get up and go for a walk. What was worse was watching all those televisions shows and movies and commercials and seeing what I was supposed to look like. Proof that I was meant for a miserable lifestyle.
It took a lot for me to even realize that surgery might be an option. I did keep trying to diet. I did every fad diet out there, I did every new diet, I did every old diet, I starved myself, I gorged, I bought pills, I bought shakes… It was when I was finally beginning to consider something as drastic as bulimia; I knew it was time for some kind of OTHER more healthy drastic option. But I didn’t know where to start. My Primary Care Physician didn’t suggest surgery. All she could offer me was therapy, to which I went and in 3 sessions never covered my weight problem. That was enough of that to show me a psychologist couldn’t help with my weight. It was something I had to do on my own.
My health was getting worse with my weight gain. It was starting to become less of an image thing (Even though it still played a major role) and more of a stay alive thing. I had developed sleep apnea, high cholesterol, bad joints, and was on the road to diabetes. I was afraid I would be a diabetic at my wedding (in one year). It figures that it was my finance that first brought up the idea of surgery. He’d watched me struggle with my weight problem for 1- long years. He’d been through it with me every step of the way and watched me fail time and time again. He knew the cost it was dealing on my emotions and mentality. And he also knew it was time for a new decision. He gave me a card and told me to call this office and ask about a seminar. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I did what he asked and found out there was one that very same night. I figured it for a good sign and went.
It was here that my long journey to a healthier, happier life began. I sat in a room, looking around at a bunch of much older, larger women than I, knowing I had the right place and wondering if I should really be there at all. Soon enough a balding man entered with a lap top and set it up and introduced himself as the actual surgeon who would be performing the actual surgery. That was mind boggling to me. A doctor doing free seminars on a procedure to make you healthy again. I thought that was something unheard of. This is how bleak my view of the world was. Dr. Rayford Krugger, M. D. explained in great detail exactly what it was he did. The details of which I’ll leave for you and goole.com to talk about. The name of the procedure he does is called a Roux-En-Y, which is one of many different variations of Bariatric Surgery. He went on to explain the benefits, which included 70% excess weight loss, reduced if not eliminated meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, and general improved health over all for life. FOR LIFE. That wowed me. And then I understood completely when the video was started. We were shown the surgery in detail, how it worked, what it was about, which, to be frank, means you hardly ever eat again. Your stomach is the size of a large egg. For life. Well that explained it. But it was when the testimonials began that I was starting to see this might be the right thing for me. Many men and women, much older but much thinner than I began speaking about their experiences before and after surgery. And I swear to you, every single one of them said “I wish I’d done this when I was younger.” I’m 24 years old (23 at this time). “I’m younger than them,” I thought. “Maybe I really ought to start looking into this thing.” But then, the video began explaining downsides and risks. There is always a risk when you go into major surgery that you will never wake up, have sever infections, but this surgery involved risks such as leaks, reactions to anesthesia, obstructions and strictures, internal bleeding, and so on. It was not an easy way out, a lazy way out. It was going to be a major decision that would require lifelong commitment. I took 2 weeks to finally decide I wanted to do this.
And so made the appointment that changed my life forever. It was a long and arduous task, going through all the qualifications and specifications necessary to be approved for surgery. Dr. Krugger’s program was very thorough, and demanding, but it ensured you would be a good candidate. There were meetings with nutritionists, psychologists, nurses, cardiologists, pulmonologists, and Dr. Krugger himself. They all worked together in this very well thought out program to ensure you could handle the changes to come, the lifestyle changes, dietary changes, psychological changes, and most of all, the physical changes. Beyond that we also had to go to 4 weeks of support groups for pre-ops like me. I met 7 other women in my group who were, again, all older and larger than I, and we talked, bonded, planned, and prepared together. We learned and laughed and cried together. It was a new and exciting experience, because up until now, I was very antisocial, very reclusive. I wasn’t ready to share this vulnerability with anyone. But here they were, sharing it right back with me. It was an amazing experience.
Before I knew, I had gotten a phone call from the surgeon’s office telling me I was approved for full coverage by insurance, by the doctors, and by the surgeon to get a date. July 12, 2006. It was less than 3 weeks from that very day. I was thrilled, and terrified, all at once. The risks were very present in the foremost of my thoughts, 24/7. I knew I had until the moment they put me under to say I changed my mind, but I wanted to be brave. I’d come this far and learned so very much about the procedure, but most of all, about myself. About how I worked, how far I’d come in life and how helpful and positive this surgery could be for me. It was a decision I’d made just for me. The first ever of its kind. And the biggest and most important to date.
Three weeks flies by, really. You never notice how fast time goes until you’re counting down to something so major. Before I knew it my bag was packed and I was wearing my most comfortable pajamas to the hospital on the morning of July 12th. I was weighed in, changed into a johnny, hooked up to an IV and waited. My mother and fiancé were there with me. We talked, joked, smiled… all the while in the back of my head, I was hoping it wouldn’t be the last time I did this with them. The risks weighed on me more heavily in that last hour than any other time. Then the anesthesiologist approached my little cubical in prep and explained what was to come. I said my “I love you” and “Goodbye” to my loved ones. It was the “see you soon” that made me smile and finally FINALLY say to myself “I’m ready.” I was wheeled into the operation room, hooked to all kinds of machines, given oxygen, and the last thing I saw as a blurry vision of the man over my head (the one to put in my trachea tube) and he told me, “We’ll see you in a few hours, but don’t worry, to you it’ll only be a few minutes.” I remember giggling a little into the oxygen mask and everything went dark.
I woke up a few minutes (hours) later as I was being wheeled back to my little cubicle, everything was muffled and dark and blurry as I was coming out of the anesthesia, and I heard someone say “You’re just fine, you did very well.” I somehow remembered a horror story of someone waking up mid-surgery with the tube still in their throats, so the first thing I did was touch my throat and make a thumb gesture for “out”. That got a laugh from many voices all around me and I heard someone say, “Oh yes, its gone, you’re fine.” I wasn’t really in pain, there was just an immense amount of pressure in my abdomen (it was gas from laparoscopic surgery… look it up), and I couldn’t stay awake for the life of me. I realized there was no reason at all to do so, so I passed back out. The next time I woke up I was barraged by nurses and assistants, getting me ready to move me to the ICU. There, I saw my family, got some flowers and slept a whole lot. I was hooked up to a self-administered morphine button, and I used it more or less to its fullest extent. I was in a lot of pain. And this lasted through my entire hospital stay and the 2 weeks following that I was out of work. Between the actual scars, the gas from surgery, the pain of trying to drink, and just general uncomfortablness, I was using my pain meds regularly. Maybe I’m a wimp. But they gave that stuff to me for a reason. I had a lot of visitors that told me I looked good, if not tired, and my fiancé and my cat took very good care of me. When I went in for my check-up at the end of the 2 weeks, I was astounded to find I had already lost 15 lbs, and all of my clothes were very loose fitting. I stopped using my sleep apnea machine and just felt good.
Frankly from there its been a very long and ongoing thing, every day is a new day when it comes to food (which I do not obsess over anymore). Some days particular foods hurt or don’t. It just depends on the day. I can’t eat sugar or high fatty foods, I need to eat 65 g. of protein per day, and at least 64 oz. of fluid, and I MUST take a multivitamin every day. This is how I live not. It is not a diet. It is life. There is a big difference, and trying to do this on my own without this fabulous tool I do not think I would have been able to do it. I am never hungry, I am more energetic, happier, healthier and much more social. I go out, I have friends, I have a life. And I’m very proud of myself. I made a decision for me and I never would change it. I would most defiantly do it again if I was given the option to turn back time.
This is not for everyone. But it is for me. My self image is improving every day, although most of the time its hard for me to see a difference. But when I look at a “before” picture, my heart lightens and I know I’ve come such a long way in such a short time. I am a beautiful woman who made the right decision. I could not be happier with anything else.
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And there you have it. Uber long. I'm sorry. And that's the short version. Ask me someday. I might even tell you more.
--Fox
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September 20, 2006
The season's really changing again. So we had a 3 day burst of heat. Big deal, its snowed here in June before!
Tho I find when the seasons change, something about me changes with it. Especially when autumn comes along. Gets me itching... Gets me anxious... gets me wondering what's to come this time.
Autumn is a very active season for me. Those who know me well enough know why, but even I'll admit that's a fair few. Why? Well its all for the same reason. I'm a mysterious fox. There is method in my madness, and there is madness in my method. I want nothing more than to be able to face autumn with courage, rather than anxiety. I am at the same time very excited. The anxiety is more like a combo-package. I know something's comming, there is always something comming in autumn. I just want to be ready for it for a change, rather than being whomped.
Enough gibberish about that. I could go on talking about nothing for hours. I'm good at that.
I felt, when I started this post, that I had absolutly so much to say, but it is more like there's alot to feel and no words to express it. I'm brimming with more emotion now than I have in years. Its crazy. Its enthralling. And its overwhelming. What's bringing it on anyways? Is it the surgery? When you burn insane amounts of fat, the estrogen stored in it is supposed to be psycho-released into your system. Fab. I've got logic to explain it. But is that all? It seems more directed than normal too. I smile more. I laugh more. I think deeply, much much more. All the time, in fact. Well maybe that's not so different than normal. Am I sad more?... I dunno. There are days, sometimes, when I am sad for no real good reason. But I think that happens to everyone?... I'm not angry more... I never was the angry sort. I'm changing. I'm changing drastically in fact. There's no stopping it. I'm not sure I want to stop it, to be honest. Change is goooood. And its been a while since there was a good big change in my life. Things were getting stagnant and I was worried I wasn't feeling feelings anymore. Then I had surgery and it was like I was reborn.
I was talking to Drake about this (yes, I know, its time for a new name... but I can't as well call you my mentor anymore........ can I?) yesterday, and he agreed that rebirth was the perfect word for it. I also talked to him about this new kick I have for scouting. Know what was the first thing he said to me about THAT?.... "Start jogging." It kind of made me laugh. And made me think. He's damn right. I need to get in better shape. I need to get some stamina. We somehow ended up walking around campus yesterday afternoon, only proving to me (in advertantly) how very right he was. He also mentioned that he jogs a few miles a day. I said I wouldn't mind joining in. Course I should start on my own so I'm not making him stop or slow down constantly. That would be annoying. But I know he's right. I need this, because its all part of this change that's happening to me. And I'm ready to tackle it head on. Or run along side it,as it were. Its not something to take down and smash into the dust. Its something to readily accept and work with and constantly better.
I sound so motivated, don't I?...
Its funny. That he does that to me with a fricken 2 hour walk. Mentor doesn't seem so bad a word, really.
--Fox
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September 18, 2006
I am 175 as of yesterday, broke my plateau, and am losing again in leaps and bounds. Lost like 3 lbs just this weekend!
Wow!
--Foxy
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September 1, 2006
Its sometimes very depressing, getting on the scale a day, a few days, a week, 2 weeks later and not seeing it budge. Its even harder to resist the urge to drown sorrows and fall into old habits, the very things that were the bane of weight gain before surgery. The same thoughts run through your mind,
"Did I fail here too?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
"What can I change?"
"There must be a way to fix this!"
Its hard also, comming here and listening to everyone tell you the same advice. Give it time, stick to it, it will come, its different for everyone. Stalls always happen. Exercise, eat right, sip sip sip. While good advice, its just not satisfying to hear. Something keeps nagging in the back of your head that its something you did wrong, are doing wrong, need to fix, or you'll never lose another pound.
These are the hardest times, I think, for any bariatric patient (withthe exception of major complications of course!). Blaming yourself forwhat your body is doing. This is also the most important time to remember the REASONS you had this surgery.
How do you feel today? Are you sick? Did you sleep well? How was breakfast? What's the plan for today? Were there medications to take?
Now think hard.
Were the answers to these questions the same as they would have been the days, weeks, months, years ago prior to your surgery?
Bariatric Surgery is not Weight LossSurgery, as it is so frequently labeled. It is surgery for HEALTH and PEACE OF MIND. That's right. I'm willing to bet that you feel 150% better this morning than you did the mornings prior to surgery. I'm willing to bet you slept better last night because you didn't need your CPAP mask anymore. I'm willing to bet you took significantly less medications (Or maybe even NONE) than you had to before. I'm willing to bet that you feel happier with yourself, and about your health than youhave in a very long time.
Bariatric Surgery is not easy. Its also not a miracle. Its a difficult life-changing experience that you must deal with for the rest of yourlife.
The thing is. You should be living for the experience, not the numbers on the scale. Life is comming at you faster now than ever, and MAN is it easier to deal with! Running hard, playing hard, working hard, living hard. You may never have been where you are today without having made this choice. And its a long way that you've come, even if its only been a month and a week. (Like for me)
So the next time you find yourself dwelling in the stall your body is going through, try to remember that its not about the numbers. Its about your health and peace of mind. You are becomming a happy and healthy vessel to tote that wonderful persona in. You deserve a smile.
--Fox
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August 28, 2006
Blah... here I am where I always always pause... I can't remember the last time I was less than 180. Probably high school, course... maybe starting college. A long time ago. But always when dieting I get stuck right at it. I'm trying hard to do the right things and get in exercise. I hope this breaks my plateau because its making me sad!!
At any rate, I'm happy to be where I am and glad to say no food has given me any problems lately save for clam chowder.. and for like a day since then I had a yucky tummy. but I'm better now.
Craving for the day...
Turtle cheesecake.
--Fox
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August 15, 2006
I skipped 190 altogether today and went strait to 189. Wow! Howexciting! I havn't much farther to go now, I'm almost half way there! I just can't believe how fast this is going! Next goal is to fit in mysize 15 pants, or to hit 180, whichever comes first.
So a funny little wow story.
I am a big M*A*S*H fan, with my fiancee. I bought myself a M*A*S*Hshirt before surgery, a junior's large, thinking it might fit me bythanksgiving. My fiancee looked at it and said "Wishful thinking?"...it kind of made me laugh. HE WAS JEALOUS. I thought I was being silly,buying this size. Well I pulled the shirt out yesterday and held it upagainst my body just to test how close I was... To my shock, it lookedlike it would fit. So... I tried it on. It fit! I wore it all day, itdidn't pull, it didn't roll up my belly, it just sat there like it wassupposed to. No belly rolls showing! OMG!
I'm in a junior's large!! and Size 16 pants!Who knew!
--Fox
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August 8, 2006
I was getting ready for work today and am wearing, again, size 16 dress pants and a shirt I havn't worn in 2 years. The shirt is almost too big!! I'm really getting excited because on the scale I have officially lost 20 lbs since surgery, just under 4 weeks ago. Not bad at all!
As I was leaving, my landlady caught me as I was watering my flowers and she said "Look how thin you are!"... It made me giddy. What's more, when I got to work today, several students were saying the same thing.
I think I'm taking a half day today. I have a meeting with my final project mentor at 1:30 and I think I'll just hit the gym and go to lunch after that. I'm going to find some chicken. I hit my protein requirement yesterday and then some and I was very proud. I wanna keep it up.
Until later...
--Foxy
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August 1, 2006
I was getting ready for work today and am wearing, again, size 16 dress pants and a shirt I havn't worn in 2 years. The shirt is almost too big!! I'm really getting excited because on the scale I have officially lost 20 lbs since surgery, just under 4 weeks ago. Not bad at all!
As I was leaving, my landlady caught me as I was watering my flowers and she said "Look how thin you are!"... It made me giddy. What's more, when I got to work today, several students were saying the same thing.
I think I'm taking a half day today. I have a meeting with my final project mentor at 1:30 and I think I'll just hit the gym and go to lunch after that. I'm going to find some chicken. I hit my protein requirement yesterday and then some and I was very proud. I wanna keep it up.
Until later...
--Foxy
Upgrades continue!
August 1, 2006
I was struggling to find work clothes to wear today because Ant's lazy and hasn't been doing any laundry... so I said "what the hell" and tried on clothes I swear I havn't worn in at least a year or two. They fit like a charm! I was a size 20 not 3 weeks ago!! Ha ha! I'm doing it! I can't believe it!
I am going to take pictures soon, just so I can keep track. Maybe monthly. So about a week. I'll even post them here maybe......
And soon enough I will be back in my fabulous wardrobe. Bondage wear, back in action. I'm glad I never threw any of them away!!!!!
--Fox
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July 27, 2006
YES! I did it! I am under 200 pounds! 199 on the scale this morning!!! ONEderland indeed! WOOHOO!
Back to work now...
--Foxxxxxxy
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July 23, 2006
Look at me, here I am, alive, 10 pounds lighter, 14 inches smaller, and shrinking along.
I will be eventually putting up pics. Someday.
When I feel more able I will type out the details of my hospital experience and comming home and so on. Meanwhile, I'm doing very well. I've dumpped twice, my scars are healing nicely, and I feel alot better. I move on to semi-solid foods on wednesday, but I snuck some crackers today to try. They went down smooth sailing. It was great, and satisfied a month long crunchy craving.
I'm pretty darn happy with myself. I've come a long way and there's a long way to go but I'm fully confident I can make this happen.
--Fox
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July 11, 2006
Tomorrow I am a loser!
The hopital called me today with all kinds of questions about drinkingand smoking and drugs and height and stuff... then I got a call fromthe surgeon's office saying
"Bright and early 8:30"....
OH MY GOD! Its finally here! It crept up so fast! Who knew!
Today has been an emotional rollercoaster for me... I had my first dream about the surgery. Thankfully it wasn't a nightmare!
I was at the doc's and my fiancee was with me... then blackout. Them I"woke up" post-op from my dream in very little pain and was walkingaround in the ICU wondering if this was normal healing speed.
It was cool.
Any last minute advice about the hospital stay?
--Fox
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July 2, 2006
10...
And almost 9, actually *eyes the clock*
So I went to my neice's first birthday party today. Practically my whole family was there. It was tons of fun and I shot video and managed not to eat the day away. Which was quite an accomplishment. I ate only one second helping of taco salad and it wasn't that much either. I had a bit of cake, but I barely ate half and my mom took the rest. Har. She said it was "for my own good" and sniggered with everyone else at the table. It was funny.
Just about everyone was asking me if I was nervous. I gave pretty much the same answer to them all. "I think I'm more excited, but I am nervous. I'm not terrified."
Them my aunt asked me the same question, and as I made the "thinking face" she nodded and said "Its more anxious, isn't it?" I said "well yeah. Its like, a combination of excited and nervous. Anxious is a good word" and so I think I'm going to use that one now....
For 10 days.
I'm also tired and a little sunburned. But that'll do me good over the next few days. Its the 4th after all, and my 10 year anniversary!!
10 YEARS! Can you believe it? I remember the day we met. I remember the day I thought he was nice. I remember the day I fell in love. I remember our first kiss, our first time parking, our first... you know...
10 years. Saying it I realize that's nearly half my life. And I couldn't be happier, really. I never knew we'd be where we are today, 10 years ago. Never in a million years.
Sometimes it feels like longer. Sometimes shorter. It depends on the situation and mood... I dunno. Its good news.
SO we're camping out at his mom's per usual on the beach, with bon fire, lake, swimming and etc... I'm looking forward to some relaxing! Ought to be fun.
Happy 4th everyone!
--Fox
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June 27, 2006
So I just spent and afternoon with two chinese people who speak practically no english.
We went to see X-3.
They don't even know what X-Men is... har.
It was probably the most I've ever enjoyed a movie!! (it was fun explaining things to them)
Then we went to GNC and I bought tons of protein powder and a liquid multi-vitamin.
Then I got to explain what Gastic Bypass surgery is to my friends.
They didn't talk me out of it. They made a face, asked alot of questions, said they were sorry I needed it, and wished me luck. *smile* It was really satisfying. It was amazing. And thrilling. But maybe that's their way, you know. I can make my own decision. What was funny was he promised to take me to China sometime and feed me chinese food. He said I'd lose 20 pounds. I was laughing about that.
It was really fun, I hope to do it again really really soon.
--Fox
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June 22, 2006 (My Mommy's birthday!)
That's right folks, I am now less than THREE WEEKS from my surgery!
Monday I'm going for my last doctor's appointment, with the Pulminologist, then a weigh in back at Dr. Kruger's, and I'm goooooone. That'll be 16 days left.
I was told there won't be any required liquid diet or weight loss after that, just maintaining where I am then... so that's good news. After all this its just two weeks of eating my nails and knocking my knees!!
I really am excited... I really am. I had one of my classes talking to me about it today, and a few of them tried to talk me out of it.
I hate that. What makes them think I'd go through 4 months of prep to back out now because THEY don't feel comfortable with it?.....
Oi, I don't know.
Anyhow, I don't have much more to write, just bouncing around and being excited.
--Fox
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June 19, 2006
Support groups are done!... and here I sit, waiting for next monday and seeing the final doctor for the final appointment.... Dr. Eby, that pulminologist. I'm told he's tough. But because I have already been diagnosed with sleep apnea and have a CPAP machine, I prolly wiill be fine. Then my final weigh-in... then.... three weeks from this wednesday, I'm going under the knife. This is going by so fast. This last month. I can remember a time I thought it would never come, now its barreling down on me like a friggin freight train!! @.@
So this support group was really different because we could bring in our families and stuff, and the actual format was very different. The psych was still there, but the change was that we started with a bunch of people that were post-op already, some over a year, some as recently as last month. They told us their stories and we got to ask them all the questions that are buring inside of us, like recoup time, scar tissue, dumping syndrom, and flatulence. har.
Then Dr. Kruger came in and gave us all a big binder full of information that i have to read before my operation (I'll likely read it tonight... and like 600 more times) and it has ALL the information I'll ever need. I think I'll punch holes in all my other stuff and put it in there too. We asked him all kinds of questions too about the actal surgery, and he answered them all with cheer and smiles, some sarcasm, but that's good to help us with the nerves. And he said for those people who he didn't give a number of pounds to lose before the surgery are only in the like 5-10 lbs range. Which is where I am and plan to stay. Awesome.
After we got out, I was bouncing. I'm really getting estatic about this. Every day closer is more and more exciting, I'm all smiles and telling all my students and seeing their opinions an giving infomaiton. I've told several already about my new addiction and many of them check it out after finishing their class work.
Speaking of work, if anyone out there reading this locally feels computer proficient enough to teach my classes while I'm out, it could lead you to bigger and better things, like perminant positions!! Please contact me SOON, we're talking 3 weeks here!
Anyhow, I hear my Brother might be visiting me soon. That's making me excited too. everytthing is just joyous lately.
--Foxxxxxxxxxxxxxx marf
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June 18, 2006
I sit here, 6 pounds lighter than I was 5 days ago (thanks to a liquid diet assigned to me by Michelle at Dr. Krugers) and I'm WORRIED because what if they see this significant weight loss and say "see, we knew all along you could lose weight, now you've proved it. You don't need surgery" and that'll be that.
I know the weightloss is required before surgery, and my worry is most likely silly. But still. 6 pounds in 5 days is alot to lose. And I've cheated all but the second day. "cheated". I ATE REAL FOOD all but the second day. Sure sometimes some of the food was not the best choice (Taco Bell for example *wince*) and I was sure I'd wake up the next mornin 5 pounds heavier for it. But I was a pound lighter!!.... I ate a meal or an unhealthy snack every day but the second day and the pounds keep peeling off. I should be HAPPY... but I'm worried.
Should I be fretting? Am I just being paranoid?.... Yes I could eat like this forever, but the surgery is a tool to ensure I don't "cheat" anymore!... To help me quell those feelings of "geeze I'm starving" when I'm not and its just my head telling me that....
I know I need it. I just hope the docs agree after my 2 week liquid diet. *sigh*
--Fozznesssss
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June 16, 2006
Medical Alert Bracelets?
Well I'm looking at them and pricing them out. Gee, 55 bucks for the one I want... Or I could get a "sport band" one for like 21 bucks ish, but its not one I could wear all the time, I don't think. Maybe I ought to shop aroind more...
Foxy
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June 15, 2006
http://store.bariatriceating.com/coneww
2.9 fluid ounces, 100 calories, 25g protein, Og carbs, Og sugar plus a vitamin & mineral profile
Perfect for my lil 2 oz. belly that needs 60 grams of protein a day!!!!
This whole site is amazing and very helpful!
Anyhow
So we're on day two of my mostly liquid (sometimes a salad) diet, and I'm not doing too badly at all! No major cravings (except for chocolate, but that's a given) and I don't feel hungry or deprived. I've already lost 2 pounds! I have to lost somewere in the range of 10 before I'll be satisfied, but that'll prolly happen by the end of next week if I'm good. I should start walking or something soon. Wish I had company to talk with on the way. I guess my mp3 player will have to do!
Until next time..
--Foxxy
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June 13, 2006
I'm sick... Ant had a bad bad flu and bronchitis thingie and now I have it. I havn't been to work yet this week and have an MIS training session to go to tomorrow, which means I have to get better before then. Meanwhile I'm coughing up a lung and it feels like someone ran me over with a lawnmower, not before rubbing my throat with sandpaper. Ouch.
I'm feeling better than yesterday tho. And amazingly enough, yesterday I went to my third Dr's appointment with Kruger and to my third group session. What an experience.
The Kruger experience was short and sweet, as it always is. he said to lose weight within two weeks, when I am to go in for a final pre-op weigh-in. I was the same as last time and 10 lbs heavier than I was in April. He said I should talk to Michelle (who was comming to talk to me anyways) about some quick weightloss tips.
Then Michelle came in. A pretty blonde woman, friendly, who come to find out had come in and out of the waiting room several times to talk to the other women there (women in my support groups). She was like "Hi Aimee, so I said hello to everyone but you earlier" and we laughed about it. she explained that she's the nurse practitioner, as well as a teacher, informant, so on and so forth. She brought all my consent information, surgery information and stuff. I had to take a little true and false questionaire about surgery knowledge, then we filled out a consent form together with blanks that I had to fill in, such as the percentage of excess weight I expected to lose, the risks involved after surgery (blood clots, bleeding, infection and leakage) all of which sounded painful and gruesome but not unstoppable. She showed me on a diagram the places it could leak and what it would feel like, and if I got a clot where it would start and what it would feel like, and so on... It really made me realize the risks involved. She said Dr. Kruger only ever had one leak, and it was fixed right away, out of something like 170 operations. Not bad odds at all.
Then she asked if I'd ever been on morphine. I said no. She decided it was best to start from the start and handed me a "this is what you do the day before and the day of" paper and we went over it.
I have to drink a can of Citrate of Magnesium (?) which comes in a Red Bull sized can, is carbonated, and will flush out my system. Basically I will poo non-stop for an hour or two. I also can't eat from midnight on the night before. I'll prolly eat dinner, wait an hour or two then drink that can, so I will tucker myself out pooing and be able to sleep (Sheya right). The next morning I have to go in for 8:30, and go to the surgery waiting room. There, they will weigh me, I'll change into a johnny and do last minute pre-op tests and stuff, get my vitals, and I sit and wait. The doc or someone will come in with the last forms to fill out, consent and stuff, and wait some more. Then the anesthesiologist will come in and ask me lots of questions. Then I go in to a pre-op room and get on a bed, and get poked and prodded, and go into surgery, and get anesthetized.
Then I'll wake up and feel miserable.
In the recovery room I will be told about my self-administrated morphine drip. Oh how psyched I was about that! My own, persoal mophine button. Ant will prolly be there with me when I wake up, and she said I'll prolly push my button right away and zonk back out. I will have these squeezie things on my calves that massage them to keep blood clots from forming. I will spend the night in ICU, where my vitals will be checked evey hour and I will be able to try walking after a little bit (she said usually betwen 7-11 PM people are walking). I'm going to try to walk as soon as I can because that's supposed to help alot with healing and blood clots, which I seem to be prone to because of birth control. I will move to a surgical ward the next morning, and might even walk right to there, and rest tehre all day while I try to drink 30 cc's of water all day. That night I might move to clear liquids, like crystal light and sugar free snapple and stuff, sip sip sip sip sipping... and the next day I will probably move to milk-based protein drinks, like carnation instant breakfast, protein powder shakes and so on... (AND PUDDING!!!!) I will prolly poo while I'm here at this stage and I have to make sure I'm not bleeding. After that I might head home that day if there doesn't seem to be any problems.
And there you have it.
So then I went to my support group, where we had to present what lifestyle changes I still had yet to change... which was mostly sneaking my snacks. I don't do it as much anymore, but I still do. I complained how I hate that I limp and am dependant on an ankle brace because of my weight. I'm looking forward to being independant... and walking without a limp. The limp really bothers me lately. They said it made me sound like I had a very strong woman inside me waiting to come out. I kind of liked that.
Michelle talked about how bored I will be by the time I'm healed enough to head to work again. She said alot of people say "if I clean this house one more time I'm going to go crazy".. har. I hope so. My house is a stye. especially because I was away half of last week and Ant was sick, and now I'm sick so nothing's getting done!
Well I think I've written enough today. I'm sleepy, might be time for a nap.
--Foxy
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June 9, 2006
That's right friends and ends, July 12th. They called me about 15 minutes ago and told me. I will be under the knife in just a little over a month,and I'm estatic.
Up until now, its been kind of a void in the future. "sometime in July" was terrifying to me because I wanted to celebrate my anniversary on the 4th, ny nieces b-day on the 2nd and Ant's b-day on the 17th. Now this is smack in the midde and I'll be able to be home for everything.
How awesome. I can't wait for support group. I wonder if anyone else got their dates. I'm going to send out a mass email to them all today.
Until later when my fingers stop shaking!
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June 7, 2006
Wow is it ever raining around here!
Its flooded out everywhere you go and you are lucky if you have all open roads on your way home.
So I went to my second Group Session, which went interestingly. We filled out eating/excercise surveys last time and this time we got articles that went along with our results. I only got one article, which is impressive. Not sure if I don't WANT more articles, but she said she might mail me some useful stuff.
When we talked about what changes we have made in our habits, and what needs to be done, it seemed like I was way ahead of everyone. I've bought all the stuff I'll need, like vitamins and protein powder and changed how I act and react to food, how I eat and drink, and especially what I do when I get bored or lonely (since it was then that I was notorious for eating when I shouldn't). Everyone else was talking about what they needed to do and I had already done most if not all of it. Am I being cocky? I'm not sure if I sound it, I'm not meaning to. I mean to sound confident and proud, but not like I want to rub it into my co-group member's faces or something. I think I've made so much progress and I look forward to these sessions all the time. I really like all the girls that are there and I got all of their email addresses. Who knows, maybe some of them are reading this right now!
Hiiiiii!
But besides all that, I had my first theft recorded on my webcam security system and I think I've caught the culprit. I feel awesome about that. Lets hope it works out.
Sipping water slowly is really hard. I think it makes me more thirsty than when I started. I'm practicing for after my operation and I can't do more than sip. Sip sip sip sip sip sip sip sip sip sip sipppp.... That's all I'm going to do for the first few weeks. I look forward to living off of mashed sweet potatos and protein smoothies. .... Wait a tick?... I am looking forward to living like that. I am. I am!... I am looking FORWARD to my new way of life, my diet, my intake procedures, my tons and tons of SUSHI... and STEAK and CHICKEN and and... gaw....
I don't think I'm going to miss cake or sweets. except maybe ice cream, but I tried to invent a Crystal Light version of a slushie or maybe italian ice or something. Ultimatly I wanted it to come out like Del's but I could never get the consistancy right, my blender just doesn't make a good slush. I think what I need to do is get a popsicle maker thingie. Like with reusable sticks and a mold so I can make crystal light popcicles.
I'M A GENIUS!
I rebuild a friend's computer yesterday. I'm really proud, I did a good job and it only took a few hours. Now he's running XP and is virus-free. That's always a plus.
Well I probably ought to get to work or something, since I'm working late. I'll write later, if I ever get MY computer up and running.
-- Fawx
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June 2, 2006
So my first group session went really well. I met alot of other women (And two MEN!) who are at the same level as me. I guess everyone started at the same time, you know. So there were no post-op people there.
What she had us do was talk about the pro's and con's of losing weight, about who were were and how long we'd been considering this operation. How we felt about things, how our loved ones felt... and we also kind of went off on tangents too.
I'm the youngest and the smallest person there.
I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Everyone else is over 30, and over 250 lbs. I don't weigh that much. But I guess I'm also alot shorter than these women. And younger and yet I have the same medical problems. That kind of worries me. How unhealthy AM I? Or am I?
Its been really muggy and hot lately, making it hard to work. We only have individual AC units here in my building, so it never travels to my little office space in the middle of the building. No biggie tho, I seem to be working well under heat and pressure. Maybe I'll become a diamond. Har har.
I'm really proud of myself. I made a security camera system using nothing but webcams. How cool is that? Now 3 rooms are being monitored and I can administrate all this from my computer here in my office through Remote Desktop. I'm proud that I figured it out.
I am at work though, so I will have to cut this one short. I will write more soon.
--Foxness
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May 30, 2006
Am I ready for change...
That's the title of my first Support Group tomorrow night at 5 PM in Wareham. The little picture set to accompany this title is a quaint little tree with a tire swing.
After that, Next monday is titled "What do I need to do?"
The monday after that is "Planning for success"
Then the last monday after that is "Surgery and Nutrition" at which I am welcome to invite family members and post-op care givers.
Well I'm actually really looking forward to these group sessions. I think they're going to really help me make those last steps I need to make mentally and emotionally, by seeing I'm not creazy for feeling the way I do somethimes about how I look and about the surgery in general. I'm going to meet people who are at the same spot as me in their trek for surgery, and some people who have had it already, and all kinds of people in all kinds of stages. The psychologist that saw me is the doctor that runs them, so I definatly think it will go well.
Speaking of my psychologist:
RE: Aimee Bouchard (DOB: 4/19/1982)
Aimee was seen recently for psychological evaluation as a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Aimee has a history of adolescent-onset weight problms. She has tried to control her weight numerpis times through various methods, but has been unable to maintain the weight losses. Objective measures of depression reveal minimal symptoms. Subjectively, Aimee denies depressive feelings. She denies any history of substance abuse problems or eating disorders. Aime has a good understanding about her eating patterns and weight. Eating inventory results were clinical for cognitive restraing, low for appetite and low for disinhibiion. THese are positive results in every area. Groups and education resources should be effective in addressing the problems and changes needed, along with Aimee's onging, consistant efforts. Hr biggest changes are likely lifestyle changes with eating problems.
Aime is single and engaged. She lives with ehr fiance' and goes to graduate school full-time. She also teaches at Rhode Island College. Aimee has a good support network of family members and friends. She has a history of adapting to change, coping with difficulties and is able to effeciently problem-solve and make commitments. Aimee is motivated and appears capable of making the types of changes needed to achieve her goals of improved health, higher activity levels and feeling greater self-esteem. She understands surgery is a tool of achieving these goals.
I do not anticipate that Aimee will have difficulties with the bypass process, but I am available if needed, especially in the months following surgery. My full report is enclosed.
Sincerely,
Suzanne Gokavi MSW, LICSW
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Not bad, huh? Looks like I'm not a lunatic after all. At least not when it comes to weight loss. Hehe. Maybe a fanatic tho.
Its a warm day today. I'm thinking I should lounge and nap, because the energy just isn't there to do much else. Wish me luck tomorrow at my first group session. I'll write about it tomorrow night.
--Foxxness
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May 26, 2006
So yesterday I called my PCP office for a referral for my upcomming Kruger and Eby appointments and the secretary mentioned she's going to Dr. Kruger's seminar next month. I said I started with my seminar in March and here I am, almost ready. She started asking me about the program and I was telling her about it, and she said "Oh, so its a long one?" and I said "Three months at least" She sounded dissapointed and I kind of puffed up and said "Well look, you sit there right now saying 'oh I want it tomorrow' but believe me, you need those three months!" And she seemed to get it a little and we said our goodbyes.
I kind of felt like I came full circle when that happened. Wierd, cool. Like I have come from somewhere and I have gone very far, but not forgotten where I came from.
I saw Saw 2 last night. One of the must f*cked up movies of our time, I would just like to say. Gaw. And looking back from the ending from the begining I say "I should have seen that comming!!" and so did not. It was stressful and gorey and suspiscious. I'd watch it again, severa. times. There's alot I missed.
I really also want to watch the two in sequence now. Because alot of the first movie stuff is in the second movie. And its so gorey!!!
Gorrrrrre.
Anyhow.
Am at work so will type more later.
--Foxy
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May 24, 2006
How many of you missed a week of work and came in the next week fearing the worst and found it?
Well that happened to me cuz last week was a killer and I came back with like 10 projects waiting and needing to be finished asap.
So here I am. A day later. And they're mostly all finished.
I'm a work-a-holic. Why can't I be this motivated at home!? I'd have such a nice clean house that I could keep up with for a change rather than sitting aroud in front of the idiot box watching ancient episodes of InuYasha, Simpsons and all kinds of other junk.
Course I put one project off all day, thinking it didn't need to get done till next week. Then I realized I needed it done for tomorrow morning. no one else needed it, but I did. And tomorrow. So now I'm working late (which isn't entirely a bad thing because I need money to make up for last week)and installing stupid typing software to teach my students with tomorrow. Its taking about 3-5 minutes per install if I stay really on top of it and I only have 9 left, so I'm hoping I'll be out of here in an hour... pleh.
But it'll be worth it tomorrow when I can have the software teach them!
har
Well I guess its not so bad in a way... Over the week I was gone the school kind of really realized how much they need me around, and how much I help out. Guess things kind of went downhill. And they said how QUIET it was without me there... hehehe... when I came back they said so. It was nice to know I'm the bubbles that fizz up this place. I keep telling everyone to remember I have a surgery comming and I might be out for 2 weeks.
7 more to go...
I hope I get this done quickly. I don't want to hit MAJOR rush hour traffic today. Blarh. I hate rush hour. It was so nice getting out of work at 3pm Monday and not having to worry.
So Ryu-chan and I started babbling at eachother again. Wicked blast from the past!! It was really nice to hear from her and she's all married and I'm all not... is it me or is everyone on the face of the planet gunna be married before me!! Its okay. Save the best for last I guess.
I'm hungry. I had nothing but a protien shake at 8, a banana at 10:30, wheat thins at 12 and an apple now at 3:30-ish. I'm not craving anything in particular, my tummy's just saying "you ought to put a little something more in here!" Its great not having uber cravings for like fatty goodness and carbolicious stuff. I don't at least the last few days. I wonder if its the mindset I'm putting myself into or its just happening because I'm eating better. Trying to lose a little fatty boombalatty before the surgery. Or maybe since I didn't really EAT that hangover day I just don't think food is good yet.
~~~
What will I look like when all is said and done after this surgery and I lost all I'll lose?... I like to think I'm young enough where I won't have stretched skin perminantly and it'll all elastic back into place. Will I be a twig, as I so put how Liz looks? (Sister-in-law, and she IS a twig) Will I be pretty when I'm thin? What will my face look like without 2 extra chins and skinny cheeks? Will it make my big eyes look even bigger? Will I look like some kinda skinny big-eyed alien? Or will I look like a super model? Well I'm too short to be a super model, but maybe I won't look BAD... Will my boobs still be ginormous or will they shrink and be you know... a good size for a smaller body. And will they get all floppy!... har...
I dunno. Its dealing with a physical change now that's on my mind. I know I can change the lifestyle. I'm just hoping my mind can keep up with the rapidity my body will be shrinking. The psychologist said it happens alot that people don't cope the right way and still see themselves as huge and buy clothes they swim in, or just can't deal with it so they eat baddly and gain it all back... I don't think that'll be me... I want to think I'll be so happy I won't know what to do with myself.
I know that's not a bad thing. And here I stand. Or sit, rather.
Will my GERD go away? Will my sleep apnea? Will my high blood sugar and cholesterol? Will my ankle feel better? My joints? Will I sleep better? Will I FEEL better?
I hope so. And that's as far as I can get there.
--Foxy
Journal Upgrades
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May 23, 2006
Its true, hehe.You never appreciate feeling normal till you've had to function a whole day hung over like that. I came home and slept all afternoon. It was awful.
But I feel fabulous now.
So I went to get my ultrasound today, which was interesting. She showed me after she was done, what my liver and kidneys and some arteries and galbladder look like.
When I was younger I had surgery on my kidney. When I was born, the draining tube part was on top rather than on bottom, so it never drained properly and I kept getting infections. During Hurricane Gloria I got really really sick and had to get surgery to correct it. I never knew really which kidney it was. I think today I saw it for the first time!
So my normal kidney is... well.. kidney shaped. Nice and plump on bottom and kind of thinner but still round on top. My other kidney, apparantly my right one, is plump and round on the bottom, but kind of oblong and flat on top. She spent alot of time looking at it before I got to see what she was doing, and she mentioned she was looking at my liver and kidneys and intestines and stuff too... I happened to say "Oh, I had surgery on my kidney when I was younger" and she rolled me over and pointed the abnormality out to me and said she was glad I mentioned it. It might save me having to get a CAT-scan later, becuase she noted it for further investigation. I was glad I said something. But it was really interesting seeing it, you know? I could for the first time see what my parents were telling me. And you know, it makes sense that the top would be abnormal, I'm sure part of it was removed to get the tube off or something. I wonder if it effects how it works. I don't suppose so, she said it looked otherwise very healthy, no stones or fluid or anything. That was good news. And she said everything else looked good too.
So that all seems fine. Now some support groups, one more meeting with Dr. Kruger, and some poulminary meeting with Dr. Eby for his approval. Then I guess I have to get approval from insurance and Dr. Will finallizing it all... then I get a date.
I have this awful feeling it'll be on or right about the 4th... My 10 year annicversary, and after Papa's death we wanted to make it extra big and extra special, since after all, we hold it on his beach every year. Is it bad that I feel guilty? I want to be there if not for my anniversary, to celebrate Papa's life. I dunno. I want the surgery too and is it me or what?...
I feel bad saying something like that. I've been working hard for this surgery, studying and making lifestyle changes and everything. And I'm letting the 4th of July get in its way, at least even mentally. I know if they tell me "Oh your date is the 3rd" I'll go and do it on the 3rd. But how will I feel?...
I'll be in the hospital for 3 days. Then out of comission for at least a week or two. Someone suggested we just celebrate it earlier. Which isn't a bad idea, if I get the date soon enough to kind of set that all up.
Am I thinking too much about this? Someone tell me I'm not acting crazy?
--Foxy
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May 19, 2006 (Almost forgot!)
The EKG guy said I was tiny.
Well compared to most people he sees for pre-op testing for gastric bypass...
Tiny.
Don't think I've heard that one before.
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May 19, 2006
I went today at 9 AM for allllllll kinds of blood tests, a chest x-ray, a galbladder ultrasound and an EKG.
First I got blood drawn. What a mess that was. I was okay the first time they stuck me, I was fine with the first vial. Then it somehow came out of my vein and made this awful slurping sound... of course it made me all anxious. She had to poke me in my other arm now. She moved on over and couldn't get a vein, so she asked the assistant for a bigger badder needle so she could do it in the top of my hand. Oh how it hurt!! I ended up squeezing the assistant's hand... then I felt light headed, nauseus and dizzy, the blood was draining from my face and my adrenaline was rushing. i said I felt ill and they had to pull THAT needle out and trash the half-filled vial. They made me drink apple juice and sit for a bit till I felt better, then poked me again. but this time they used an infant needle, about as big as a hair, and tho it went much more slowly than normal needles, it was soooo much easier for me.
What was kind of cool was while i was doing this I said "I have no idea how I'm going to handle this operation if I can 't stand a little bloodwork needle." The bloodwork lady said she just had the operation herself and told me exactly what to do.
"when you come in they'll put you in a johnny, you take everything off, and lay on a traveler (a gourney). Then your anesthesiologist comes in. Tell him you're feeling nervous and he'll give you a shot that makes you veeeeery relaxed. After that they take you to the pre-op area and put you on another traveler on your back with your arms at your sides and inner elbows pointing up. All I remember when I was at this point was he said he'd put on my oxygen. Then I woke up and it was already over."
It was actually really nice to hear someone SAY that. I don't think anyone's told me about the actual operation day before, I've only read about it in some other people's journals and stuff. I'm sure this is the kind of stuff I'll hear at my support groups. And if that little anecdote was so relieving, I can't wait for the actual meetings.
Anyhow, next was my ultrasound, which I couldn't do because of the damn apple juice I drank. I had to reschedule for bright and early 7:30 tuesday morning. Bleh. Then my chest x-ray, which was no prob. Then my EKG, which was easiest of them all. About 30 seconds after he put on the electrodes I was done and leaving.
All in all it went okay.
OH, I got my psych eval back yesterday. She gave me the go-ahead too. Things are looking up and up every appointment!
--Fox
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May 17, 2006
In the past few days I've learned a few things
Never trust anyone to do anything for you.
You need to know the intriquete workings of your bank's software without anyone explaining it to you or being informed in any way.
$1.50 costs $40.00 at Citizens Bank. (Or $240 if you don't complain)
Being a best friend sometimes means no sleep at night.
Even when not on internship, days can be 14 hours long anyways.
Doctor's offices never ever ever pick up their own phones!
Anyways...
I'm glad that's out.
So I have this date with this doctor I have no idea who it is. I called his answering service and they said he's a pulminologist. i wonder if that's my anesthesiologist. If that's so, I bet that date is my operation date. June 26th. I am going nuts thinking about this. I'm gunna try calling that doc again today to try and confirm my suspiscions. 3 days trying and I never get them.
Busy never ending day today, I'll write more later.
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May 12, 2006
I know its been a few days since my last post. So to update what happened Tuesday and Wednesday.
My Psychologist said she'd mail me my report and send it to both doctors, which I think is cool because I'd like to see what she had to say about me, you know? I think I'll totally get approval from her. She was nice and had alot of smiles for me and said I was making good progress and was happy to hear everything I had to say and was feeling. It was really comforting.
Dr. Kruger says "Yikes" because I've put on some weight since a month and a half ago when I saw him. (just under 10 lbs, to be excact) Not good, and he said to work on taking OFF weight instead of putting it on. I said I would and have been eating nice and healthy. I don't like eating like I did the last few weeks, I feel sluggish and bulkier than ever. (and I am, most I've ever weighed) I agree that I was stupid for putting ON weight. Its harder for them to perform the surgery this way and I'm going to work very hard at not only losing what I put on, but maybe a smidge more if I can. The dietician said it will make my liver shrink and lose fat, which will make it easier to move around during surgery.
So the dietician said she'd totally give me the go-ahead. She said I'm right where I need to be. That was really nice. i feel like I am. I am also looking forward to the support groups every day a little bit more. I know I'm going to get what I can't get anywhere else from there. I'm going to meet people who are on the same track, and the same PART of the track as me. How cool is that? I can here if I'm the only one who feels the way I do about certain things and stuff... There'll also be people who are post-op too, so I can meet them and talk to them. And the Psychologist said there are also people my age there. That's the most exciting part. I don't want to be surrounded by people all 20-30 years older than me getting the surgery and the only way I can connect with them is that I'm overweight and getting it too. I might make some local friends my age going through this with me. Gawd, that's exciting. I get kind of bouncy thinking about it.
Well I think I ought to get back to work. I'll write a bit more often now, the weekend's here.
-- Foxxy
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May 9, 2006
Well I started off the day with 3 appointments, but one called and rescheduled for tomorrow, the dietician. So 10:30 at the psych and 1:30 at the surgeon's, then home and cleaning before taking my parents out for their anniversary dinner. (Fajitas at chilli's)
I think I know what to expect at the first appointment, but I don't know what to expect at the surgeon's. Maybe all my pre-op testing orrr something. I dunno. I'll find out at 1:30 I suppose. The dietician when scheduling with me said it would take like an hour. Wonder if that means drawing blood and running on a tredmill. I bet they woulda told me about that before hand tho, I would need to fast or something, right?
I dunno, its all I got to worry about really, so I'm pretending to be stressed. Heh.
Ant was talking to me last night, while he was sitting at my compter desk. he was holding and fidgeting with the visual they gave me for the size of my stomach-to-be, the 1 oz. cap that looks like it came from a nyquil bottle topper. I dunno if he wasn't aware but I was staring at it the whole time he was holding it. I wonder what he was thinking, if he was at all, about the fact he was holding it. I keep it right above eye level (I have a tendancy to look up when I look away from the monitor screen) so I can see it all the time, keep it in mind and stuff. I dunno. Maybe I am looking too deeply into the fact that he just likes to fidget with stuff.
Well I think I have enough time to snag some breakfast before I go to my appointment, I'm gunna get me some eggs and toast. Been a while since I had a nice breakfast.
Will write after my appointments.
-- Foxy
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May 6, 2006
Drinking is something I won't be able to do for a while, I'm told. According to a few sites, at least a year after my surgery. So what did I think was a good idea? Celebrating cinco de mayo with style.
I lack style when I drink alone.
4 beers in 2 hours I was okay. It was when I decided it was time for shots that I kinda lost my head. And my lunch.
I don't like shots other than tequilla. And I always feel like I'll puke right after I take one. This time I actually did.
I felt kinda cheep, so I stopped drinking and watched School of Rock and ate some rice and sulked.
My last hurrah of drinking went right poorly. And I still have 3/4's of a case or 'Gansett beer, Yellow Tail Merlot/Cabernet (awesome and cheep!), and practically a full bottle of a pint of tequilla. I think if I'm going to drink this time, I'm going to try and invite someone over. I don't like doing things like that alone. There's no point.
"Ooh, yeah, I'm gunna get wasted with myself." If that's not the lonliest thing... I felt really lonely. To the point that I slept in really late. But I know I made the right choice in not going to New Jersey this weekend, I have school work to do. Thesis and all due in 5 days. yip.
I'm also beginning to think I won't miss drinking that much after my surgery. I don't do it that much anyhow, anymore. Lost interest. Drunk us doesn't feel like it used to. Probably becuase its not the same way, with the same people in the same atmosphere. My most favorite drunk was at Ant G's, I was a Freshman in college, and we polished off a bottle of So Co and some wine coolers and they were all jamming in the basement and I was just rocking out... and I made breakfast in the morning like I always used to. Ant G threw the best parties. Always felt so safe and comfortable, like I could do anything and I'd be okay, cuz everyone there would help me out if I got in trouble. And it went the same for everyone! It was the best. One of the happiest times in my life. Not because I was getting wasted underage... but because I was chilling with my peeps, yo. I miss it.
Its lonely out here in Guam. I think I need to get back with my friends. Or get some more. This surgery will define who I am as a person for a while. And I'll need support.
hm.
--Foxy
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May 4, 2006
So...
I know this isn't like me. At all. Posting on this thing. But I wanted to keep a journal about this journey I am about to partake (or rather, AM partaking OF)... I guess its just easier for me to type than sit and write it in a book. Especially since I don't like my handwritting and I can't seem to find a proper book for it.
So... this weekend I was at a funeral and afterwards we had a buffet thing. I came back with a second helping of salad and meatballs and my dad looks at me in that way he does... so utterly bluntly. And says:
"Gee, you're eating like someone who's never going to be able to eat again."
I was kind of struck for a moment, then grasping for some sort of reply I grinned idly and said:
"Unfortunatly, that seems to be the way it is."
Fact is... I'm getting Gastric Bypass Surgery. A lapriscopic roux-en-y. Basically (and crudely, people with weak stomachs might want to look away) they're cutting off most of my stomach and about half of my intestines. So I can lose weight. http://www.surgicalclinic.ms/images/Roux-en-y-large.jpg (after fighting desperatly to add images, you might as well just check out the link)
No. It was NOT an easy decision. NO, it is NOT the easy way out.
Its taken me about 3 months to come to terms with the fact that I needed this. Ant suggested it a few times, asked me to read some things. I never did. He asked again a few months later, after more weight came on. I finally said I'd "Look into it"... Foxy phraze-ology for "Maybe next year"... but what he had for me to read was actually pretty interesting. It was an excerpt from a health magazine local to here in the South Coast. It was an article about a secretary he works with who had it done by a local sereon, her success story. She was diabetic, and had all the normal problems that come with obesity. All of them were gone in a matter of months. And she looks darned good, to say the least.
I thought... "could that be me in that picture?"... She looked reallly happy. REALLY happy. I couldn't remember feeling that happy since I was a pathetically niave little freshman in high school. And back then I weighed 135. heh.
Its taken a long time for me to feel the way I do about the surgery. At first, when I went to Dr. Kruger's (Don't laugh, please!) seminar, it was strictly for an informational basis. Same thing when I approached my PCP about it. The last time I talked to my PCP about by weight, I broke into tears in her office and she suggested therapy. I went. We never once discussed my weight and I stopped after 4 visits.
Well my doctor said she'd give me the referral, I went to Dr. Kruger's and got approved there... and started the process, which so far has included 1 Dietitian appointment, and one psychologist. I have one more of each on the 9th. All three. And probably pre-op testing (blood-oxygen, galbladder ultrasound, blood pressure you know... the works) Then I start support group sessions, 4 of them, once a week. That ends June 19th. After that, they submit my info to insurance... I could be getting it as soon as a week and as late as a month.
Someone asked me last week, after about 20 minutes of trying to tell me this was a stupid decision... if they could say anything that would make me change my mind. I surprised myself when I said no. Somehow, along the way in the last month and a half, I have committed to this decision. And I think that's part why I wanted to start this journal.
Back to my initial anecdote... I have been eating poorly the last few weeks. I was telling myself "Last harrah. you'll never be able to eat like this again, eat what you like now, while you still have the ability"... I guess in a way its partially true. but I put on 10 pounds doing it. And I've stopped as of Monday. I bring my lunch again, healthy with snacks and PB + Banana sammiches. I've also started drinking a protein shake in the morning, taking vitamins and calcium and B-12... to get in the habit-like. I found a cool website that really got me rolling with my own journal. www.basilwhite.com/gastric I don't think there was a better site, unless a FEMALE standup comedian, actor or rock star had the surgery and made a website like this one. Its a level I felt I could relate to, as an entertainer. It taught me a few things about myself... Mostly that those people trying to talk me out of it don't know what's best for me. I do. and this is my decision. And that's that.
I feel like I'm growing as a person, facing something like this, making this big decision about my health and person. Its going to change every single little aspect of my life. And I think I'm ready for that. Change was usually a hard thing for me. And I found it sends me in a downward spiral, when I fight it. I'm doing this to better myself, in more ways than one. I'm ready, I think. I just hope the doctors and insurance company feel that way.
I'm really lucky though. My family is being very supportive, and so is Anthony. It helps alot. Being able to call my mom and say "hey I was reading about this and...." and just talk to her about it for an hour. And feel better about a worry I had and never mentioned on the phone. Knowing that Ant will be there when I wake up in post-op helps too. Reading that website I just posted showed me that. I havn't really began thinking about post-op yet. till now.
I'm pretty confident... I hope my friends here will be supportive too. If not, please don't try and talk me out of it. If you STILL feel you must, sure I'll hear you out, but don't expect any miracles.
-- Fox
