xenobia

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Lets be exact here 104!! So thrilled to have reached that milestone. Stopped beating myself up for not reaching it sooner and celebrating that it is gone. I can breathe must better now. No longer out of breathe when I can climb the stairs. Went down the slide with me son and loved it.  I can play with him! We have a great time together. I can run around and chase him. Little miracles have changed my life. I am grateful. Excited to see what changes the next 100 pound bring!

Its ok to piss people off. I have decide that is my new truth. So many years I have been somewhat of a people pleasure. Never one to rock the boat. Well baby hold on because this boat is a rockin!  People think that can manipulate you with a smile or tears but whats fair is fair. No, I will not do more than my share of the assignments. I have a life too! No, its not ok that you make your own rules while the rest of us have to follow the rules. We are all in this together you can't take the life boat leave me the raft and thinks its ok. And yes I am fat but I am not a doormat! I am not going swallow of the BS you try to feed me thats how I got fat in the first place. I will no longer swallow your crap. I have learned how to say no. And if you dont like it toooooooooo bad! I want to live as honestly as I can. I will not allow anyone to jeporadize my health, insanity or emotional well being. I am evolving and not everyone has to like the changes I am making, This is my life and I want to starting living to please myself. My happiness matters too! I spent too many years trapped inside of a miserable fat girl who ate her way to numbness diguised as happiness. I am not going back to that for anyone. I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent. Woosah!

I have lost ninety pounds! Really think about it, thats is three 3yrs. I am taking this moment to give myself a pat on the back. Life is so much better now that I have managed to stop feasting on 3yrs. I am have a lot more energy. I feel better about myself and I am back out there living life and not swallowing my pain sitting on the sideline. Congratulations to all of us. If you have lost 5 lbs or 500lbs take a minute to acknowledge your hard work and embrace the new you. I love each pound of me!

I learned that there is a constant battle between the person I am evolving into and the person that I am shedding each day.Despite my intentions to move on, The fat girl has no intention of going away peacefully. She feels entitled! After all she has been a welcomed host in my body, mind and spirit for 35 years. And until now I have allowed her to run amuck! I've asked her to go on many occasions and each time she would disappear  temporarily and then the allure of her would always reunite us.
Now that I am at another turning point the fat girl is having  tantrums! "Don't work out today I am tired" "That's too hard" "Lets just stay in bed we hard a hard day we can do it tomorrow"! I had to shut her up. I used to do it with Hag-gen Daz and Krispy Kreme but now I ignore her and feed my emotional and emptiness with positive thoughts.Now that its time to move on. I am under no illusions, I know she will show up again every now and then.  I will remember to thank her for all being there when I didn't know or wasn't willing to live another way. I thank her for doing what she thought was protecting me and comforting me. But know that I know better I need to do better. I am worthy of the new life and loves ahead me. In order to claim them I need to let you go. So forgive me first love.

Today the difference between impossible and possible is WILL.

Really i feel like I should be half way to skinny now. This is taking longer than they said in the commericals lol. This has been quite the journey. All in all I am gIad  I did it. I just wish I could wake up 50 lbs ligther tomorrow.

I am starting to feel like my old self again. I have found a protein that doesnt make me gag. Actually there are two Nakejuice(30g of protein) ooh so yummy and EAS myoplex(42g). Once I started these my wieght loss started right up again.
I have so much more engery and I am down 65lbs. I went on waterslides today for the first time with my two year old son. I was so proud of myself. My son will not have a obese mother so has to sit onthe slide lines and wave. Now he has a mom that can actively participate in his life. I am so grateful.

I feel like i came out the other end on the rabbit hole. But the funny thing is I am learning to live in reality. I am learning its OK to not feel great all of the time. I am learning that sometime you need to take recovery minute by minute. I am learning that when I have an emotion I can just sit through it it will pass I don't have to drown it out with noise or distraction or swallow food to make it go away I can just give a moment and that i strong enough to work my way through it. I am learning. I am grateful.

And yes the surgery was painful and hard but I made it through that I will make it through anything else life throws my way.

Here we go. The two day liquid fast. I tell myself its the least i could do. I didnt have to diet like most of the other surgerons. So i just ate my way to these last two days. I am getting my power of attorney and paper work in order. I hope and pray it will just be three day but this reality anyting can happen and I have to make sure my little boy is ok no matter what. One thing I have learned from this process is that have a lot of people who love me and deeply care about me no  matter what size I am. So many people willing ready to celebrate me. It feesl nice when people you love come together to support you. I feel the love baby!

I admit it! I said it out loud. Although it maybe a tiny whisper I am scared. I've never had surgery before with the exception of my C section and I was awake for that and I had someone in there with me. I am not backing out and I do think of all the new things and doors that will open in my life I know its the right decision. I've been sitting on the sidelines of the life for the last two years as I packed on the pounds. I am ready. I am sure it normal to feel this way just wanted to raise my hand and acknowledge I  am not so fearless at times. 

Trying to organize pre surgery and finish graduate school is quite the hand full. I have some so much to do any the clock is ticking. Have to put together a will and a living will. Makes you feel like you are living your last few days. In a way I guess I am burying my old way of life. Without a support family i done know where I would be. Actually my surgery is pushing a lot of friends into weight lost.  I am sure there will be  a lot of changes for everyone.