It was my thryroid!

Mar 27, 2011

After reposting my old blog entries that I cut and pasted from the old OH website, I read through them all. It was very emotional reading all the amazing accomplishments I had made during my first year after my surgery. My head continues to spin on so many different levels with my health scare recently having had a seizure. I just sumitted a question to the entire OH group to read. I hope to network more with others about this issue.

I wanted to follow up on another health issue that I mentioned in an old post back on 3/31/06. I said that I was diagnosed bipolar.  Well, I'm NOT!  I need to set the record straight on that one. Let's put things into context. I married a man right out of high school, sadly because he was tall, he was nice and my parents liked him. I had no self esteem and I just went with the marriage thinking that is what I was supposed to do. We were married, had kids etc. I was depressed, yes, and food like most of us became my drug of choice and best friend. After my WLS in 2004 I became so happy and active and a part of the world again. He didn't like that. He still to this day blames the WLS for our divorce. This new person I was becoming was strange and new for me to get used to. It was always a struggle to want to be the true me and not to get him mad.  It is true that the WLS doesn't fix a relationship. Yes, there were alot of unresolved issues for me and thanks to a wonderful therapist I am doing well. But it took me to realize that that marriage was only sucking the life out of me, I decided to leave. I actually wanted to leave after reading my old journals since 1992 after the birth of our birth child. But I wanted to fix things, it was my fault of course, according to him, and I wanted to keep an intact family and stay because of the children. I was only fooling myself. To be treated like a child from your husband is not a marriage. I realized that by staying I was showing out kids how an unhealthy marriage is, and in fact they may choose the wrong partner in their lives because of the behaviors they saw.

So October of 2005 I filed for divorce. From October through January - I was on a honeymoon phase in that after being with the same man for 20 years I went off the deep end of having fun by going out and doing foolish things. Because this was not in my "normal character" while discussing this with my therapist, it was decided I was Bi-Polar. This irrational going out and partying looked like a mania phase. So that began 4 years of HELL! I was put on Lithium, Lamictal, Seroquel, Depakote,Klonopin, and more. The pills were making me more crazy and another med was added to counteract the side effects. I was a walking pharmacy. Those meds were so expensive that it was costing me $200/month out of my pocket after insurance. Well, I had some very low suicidal moments and I finally had enough of living this crazy life. No, I didn't attempt suicide, I demanded to see who that real Jennifer was again and start over from stratch. This was not a way to live. Since I was on so many meds, and I didn't want to titrate off slowly, I needed to check myself into the hospital. I did that on Christmas Day, December 25, 2009. I stayed for 4 days for observation. I would have stayed more, but since it was a holiday and then the weekend that year, it was on Monday, December 28th that they told me my insurance wasn't going to cover my hospital stay because I wasn't suicidal. So, I left, but kept daily contact with my treatment team. If I really had bipolar, going cold turkey off all my high doses of med would have started a mania and or psychois for sure. All I had was stomach upset and bowel problems. Thats it!  I continued to have daily therapy and after 1 month I was feeling amazing!

I have to point out that I'm in my third and final year of graduate school, where I will become a therapist myself. Irony or what? it actually took reading in the DSM-IV manual for my diagnostics class where it states in the mood disorders to first rule out all medical conditions especially HYPOTHYROIDISM as the symptoms for that can mirror a mood disorder when untreated.

This brings me to March 2010 where I met with an endocrinologist. He found nodules that brought me to have a biopsy that showed signs of possible cancer. It was recommended that I have the nodules removed at least, but they weren't for sure until when they would go in to determine what all they would remove.

May 2010 I had my surgery. They ended up removing the entire Thyroid not just the nodules. I didn't have cancer, but it was Hashimoto's Disease. Simply a dead non-functioning shriveled up thyroid. That was my 7th surgery in my life.

SURGERIES
1.     1993  Right Rotater Cuff 
2.     1998   Tubal Ligation & Bladder Repair
3.     2000   Hysterectomy & Bladder Repair
4.     2004 Open RNY WLS
5.     2006 Pannilectomy
6.     2007 Disc Surgery on back (can't remember the exact term)
7.     2010 Thryroidectomy

I did "hang on" to the Klonopin until October 2010, last fall. It was a crutch I realize. Those Benzos are awful! I was taking 3 mg every night! So with the help of my dr., we slowling cut down every 2 weeks by .25 mg. At that pace it took 4 months to completely go off the med. My last dose was January 25 2011. 4 days after my last dose I couldn't sleep and my headaches began. I have had a daily headache since then. My sleep has improved but the headaches continue.

So now I am only taking Synthroid to replace my thyroid for medications along with my vitamins. I was feeling on top of the world having had beat all that crazy bipolar mess and not taking all those meds. That Seroquel really beefed me up. I gained 25 pounds being on that crap! So I am down to 165 now and then all of a sudden this seizure happened out of no where. I have been off work for 2 weeks and as earlier mentioned have been testing from all different directions.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Or in my case did the psych meds kill my thyroid to then after going off them cause me to have my thyroid removed? Or was my thyroid already not working before all that? My doctors can not answer that. Did the WLS cause this seizure and my hypoglycemia? For sure the hypoglycemia. Not 100% of this was the specific cause for this seizure as my EEG is abnormal and I have a history of headaches.

Having WLS is a double-edged sword. There is a mourning process that I continue to deal with. I am 43 years old with 2 kids age 19 and 14. But I have made peace with what life has happened in the past in order to move forward. It's just the medical mystery that baffles me. But putting this into perspective. I am the same size as I was in high school. I married the wrong man, yet I wouldn't have had these great children. Because I was so unhappy in the marriage, I turned to food which caused me to become obese even having sleep apnea looking like "Darth Vader" in my mask at night. :) (No longer have to wear that!) So then after gaining and losing the same 100+ pounds 3 times, I hit "rock bottom" and had WLS. Very drastic thing to do by rerouting my digestive system. But it was a tool and it worked. Then here came this skinny Jennifer that couldn't eat to hide her feelings. So everything "hit the fan". I had to deal with my emotions including a bad marriage. I get mis diagnosed as bipolar. Then I became strong enough to advocate for myself to say, "Hey I don't think this is helping. In fact these meds are hurting me." Now, this seizure happened. Which has been a blessing in some ways - i have to find a postive somewhere. In that it helped me to relearn about my eating. I met with a great dietician and am more cognisant of my intake and blood sugars. It has been humbling not having my driver's license as I need to be driven around for the time being.

It felt good to write this down in this blog. After I complete graduate school, I have my book, Butterfly Girl that I'm preparing to get published. Not only did I come out of cocoon of fat into a butterfly after WLS, but the thyroid is shaped like a butterfly too.

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