carrie640

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Well.  I am back here.  Not because I necessarily want to be.  I mean, I DO, but I don't.  During the last time I was here and now, I had learned the program fee at the one office was NOT refundable if I was not approved through Anthem (KY).  There was no way I could risk that so I gave that trick up. 

I then checked into Sparrow and was all set to go to one of their seminar thingies, but it was about the time severe fatigue hit me...it was about a year and a half ago.  I was always one to sleep in and not want to get up, but this was worse.  I would take my kids to school (and I still do this) and then go home and go back to bed.  At first, I was getting back up at 11ish.  The last 4 months?  Try, I have to get my husband to call me by 1:30 in order to get up in time to go pick them up from school. 

 

SERIOUSLY. 

 

Earlier in the spring, I learned I had PCOS.  Concept:  my doctor FINALLY referred me to an endo after I asked.  I am deficient in D and Iron and am insulin resistant.  I was put on Metformin but it made me TERRIBLY ill with cramps.  My arrythmia was worse, as well (PAC/PVC).  My next visit to the endo (he is an ASS, BTW....Carrella in Lansing...avoid him) gave me the info that there were no other meds for this.  OH GREAT.  I left in tears. 

My PCP referred me to another doc who is pretty cool.  He is at the Sparrow Diabetes Center.  He put me BACK on the Met and for whatever reason, I had no problems this time around.  Yet, I still am finding my sleep to be extensive.  Plus, now....my body hurts and I get stiffened joints, legs, etc randomly (especially when I get up). 

 

In August, I had an colonoscopy because I was experiencing symptoms of IBS and reflux.  Upon being discharged after that, Dr. Rose (VERY nice man!) told me he didn't see anything and I should be good to go.  Three weeks later, I got the call about the "biopsy".   BIOPSY?????? I didn't know there WAS a BIOPSY???  Naturally, panic set in. 

 

Celiac Disease.

 

CELIAC DISEASE??? It stopped me in my tracks because then I didn't know if I would've rather heard CANCER. 

It took me a month before I attempted gluten free and during that time, the antibodies blood test for it came back negative.  Go figure.  Follow up to the Gastro told me that the biopsy was like a stage 2b or something like that of it.  Well, that certainly explains the Vit D and Iron deficiencies. 

My first trip to the store for gluten free shopping resulted in tears.  I specifically remember standing in the middle of an aisle not sure what to pick up or where to start and tears started flowing. 

I gave it up after a week. I was hungry and I had it.

2 weeks later, I was back on the band wagon.  This time, it was MUCH easier. Knowing ahead of time what you want to buy and knowing which companies and products are gluten free helps SO much.  And I will tell you what, GOD LOVE the companies that CLEARLY mark "Gluten Free" on their labels!!  I've taken off a few pounds, too, since avoiding carbs (except potatoes). I am not one for gluten free breads, etc .....they are just EW.

I dropped the ball around Christmas because...well, it was CHRISTMAS and I have no will power!  I quickly jumped back on until we went to South Bend and passed a Chick Fil A.  I'm a SUCKER for Chick Fil A (we don't have them in MI).  I swore that was it and I was done. 

It wasn't.  And I really need to get back on it because overall, I do feel better (no heartburn or IBS).  BUT...anyway.....that is that story.

SO...off I am in a few weeks to Sparrow.   Don't think this doesn't scare the hell out of me...because it DOES.

My follow up visit to the Endo yesterday was interesting.  Still a VERY nice doctor, don't get me wrong, but BLUNT and HONEST.  He HIGHLY suggests bariatric surgery.  I am not like a size 34 or anything.   22/24 (and I LOVE to wear my tops loose because I cannot stand the feel of fabric hugging my skin).  But, I think he believes the insulin resistance will go to Type II....he told me I am predispositioned for it and he really believes this is a good thing for me. 

GREATTTTTT. 

 

I did go for the initial intake at the surgeon's office.  They were SUPER-COOL there (except for the receptionist...but whatever) and rather personable (HUGE BONUS!) even though I had to take my 2.5 year old (help me).  

As it stands right now, I am a candidate.  As soon as I submit my stuff to BCBS (Anthem..out of KY..SUCKY!) for documentation of prior attempts at losing, I can get started at any time.....but have to bring the program fee with me at the time.  OH JOY.

My daughter is the next one in line for a Young 5s program at a charter school in the area (waiting list).  It had a pretty good raiting on line and the fact that there is a waiting list is HUGE to me...I think that speaks volumes.  AND..they are uniformed.  BONUS.  I would have to say I am 95% sure she will get in for this year as I was told they always have drops up until the second week of school. 

Part of me is saddened to have to let go of the catholic school because the preschool portion is AMAZING...the K on up is a whole other ball of wax, though.  And...tuition is higher at the preschool level since they aren't funded by the church.  If I didn't want this procedure soooo badly, I would completely let her repeat preschool at the church (I had terrible experiences with the other side of the school).  UGH.  

Over the past week and a half, we've been passing around this nasty "flu" like thing (damn, please don't let it be swine...) that started with my daughter.  I thought I was going to get lucky, but I didn't.  in fact, I got it worse than anyone else.  that is another story, buttttt...my mother thought maybe I needed more vitamin-type of things.  Mrs. Healthy, herself, uses this can of powdered Women's Supplement stuff from GNC that is chuck full of all types of nutrients and brought me a single sample from the store and if I liked it, she would buy me a big can.  Um.  Right.  I opened it up and it smelled JUST like hot chocolate mix!  IT DID!  SO..I dumped it in a glass of milk and proceeded to stir it up.

My first clue that something wasn't going to be kosher was the fact it was rather difficult to get it to mix easily.  Hot chocolate doesn't mix that hard!!!!!  One taste, and I spit it promptly into the sink.  Oh HELL no. NO NO NO.  I sent my mother email that simply stated, "NOOOOOO to the supplement crap".  

THAT got me to wondering about this pre-liquid diet everyone talks about before surgery.  Let me just say, I am picky.  VERY PICKY.  And it isn't just about healthy foods.  I am JUST as fussy about bad foods, too, and it has only gotten worse with each pregnancy.  My latest kick:  NO PICKLES ON A BURGER!  So many things have gotten to be a 'texture" thing for me lately.  BLACH.  Needless to say, if there is nothing even remotely yummy about these liquid things, there is no way I will make it two weeks on it. NO WAY.  Any idea how long it took me to down that orange sugar drink when you do a gestational diabetes 3 hour test??? Oh....A LONG time.....the tech nearly forced it down my throat by threatening me.  Yea.

Now I am thinking I truly need to get a taste of this stuff they are going to give me before I decide to start and fork out the money (program fee includes the liquids).  Joy.  Joy. Joy. Joy.    AND..not just that...how long do I have to CHEW stuff until it's disintegrated AFTER the fact? That isn't realistic in the long-term!  Hell!  I am 37!  I could live to be 90!  That's a heck of a long time to be analyzing every little bit in your mouth!   BLACH!  Gotta think of long-term, you know.  Am I SOL on ANY types of sugar because of "dumping"? that isn't realistic in the long-term!  Look at how much of our foods have it in one way or the other.  It's just not realistic in the long term.  Eat it in moderation? YES!  But AVOID?  Nope.  Not realistic to me. Moderation of anything I can handle.  Eliminating altogether?  Not so much.

Well...I did it.  I went to the informational meeting and I even got my mother to go with me.  I've always had a problem with my mother "supporting" stuff with me....not that she doesn't want what is best for me, but I think she is just WAY too overprotective of me (I'm an only child).  It's so bad that when my husband and I had an "oops" in the pregnancy department (number 3 that ended in a blighted ovum), she called my husband and ripped him a new one.  Seriously.  

SO..anyway.....I wanted my mother to go to understand that this isn't just a cosmetic thing...but a HEALTH thing and all of the great benefits of it...and to let her know that dropping 50lbs on my own is not necessarily enough to take care of some things.  Of course, I wanted her to know this because I am asking for some financial help. :(  

This program has a fee of $750 and it does include a TON of stuff.  I don't have a problem paying it...it is coming UP with the money that is hurting me.  AND..there really is no give on payments here.  Split it into two of $400 each (a 50 buck extra) or pay the lump sum.  Beautiful.

I don't think my parents would have an issue with this IF they weren't going to have to do FULL tuition for my daughter.  This really is a whole other story, but she does have a sensory issue that requires her to really need a smaller classroom size for Kindergarten OR be back into Preschool (which is loads of money).  I am having a hard time finding a public school with a smaller class size so, either way.....I am looking at PHAT tuition.  And, of course, I have a thug, ignorant father-in-law that doesn't understand this special need and thinks she doesn't need anything out of the orginary.  SO..needless to say, I don't think my THUG husband is going to ask his dad for tuition help (even though the man has some cash from being a retired GM worker).  Ignorant ass.  Sorry. YES, I AM BITTER!!

Longer story short:  I am guessing I am going to be SOL on this for me because of tuition. I can't let my daughter down...she is almost 5 and has no other advocate but me.  I told my husband that if it weren't for me and if I weren't around, our daughter would probably be right down here at the ghetto elementary school with the other 30 kids in each class.  

He had the audacity to say, "You are probably right" and proceded to blame it on the fact that he isn't home all day to see what she does.  BS.  She exhibits symptoms ALL the time.  But you can't just pawn it off as being a "typical 4 year old".  

Umbelieveable. 

*sigh*

It sucks being poor.  It really, really does.

I don't ever remember being "small" at any age.  Probably my first realization of not being like other kids was when my mother took me clothes shopping when I was like 5 or 6 and she made a comment about the size I was wearing.  I swore she mentioned "6X", but for that age, that is pretty on-target. Hm. Maybe I heard wrong.

I used to spend my summer vacations from school at my grandma's where everything was "old school" at meals:  meat, potatoes, veggie, dessert.  My grandma loved to cook and I LOVVVEEED what she made.  Although I hate to play the "blame game", I completely contribute a portion of my weighty issues to being at my grandma's for those summers.   And I DO blame my grandma and uncle for my esteem issues as a result of my weight.  All those summers of having my belly pinched and my uncle saying "Pinch an inch" and the like.  It was horrible and my self-esteem has been in the gutter since.  No wonder I am at my heaviest to date.

When I look back to the early 90s, I thought I was gigantic at 175.  I believe I was around a 16 in size and yes, in theory, overweight, but totally not something to get depressed/upset about like I did back then.  I was wearing Gap clothing for MEN to hide my body (at even 175!).  

In the mid 90s, I got into radio (on-air) and that dramatically improved my self-esteem (hey, people listening thought I was somebody!), but the weight slowly creeped higher.

By the year 2000, I was in a size 20 (Damn, I WISH now!) shopping was miserable for me from a clothing sense.  I was constantly being told, though, that I was wearing my clothes too big, but hey, there was no way I was going to tolerate clothing being too short, too clingy, etc.

I was 240 when I got married in 2003 and a 22 in size.  My daughter was born in 2004 and my son in 2007 and I can tell you that between marriage and kids, weight is DIFFICULT.   My OBGYN suspected PCOS but all bloodwork came back normal.  That was nearly 5 years ago.  Now, from what I've learned, is that your body can overcompensate for parts NOT working well and bloodwork CAN come back "normal"...unless you dig for more specific panels.  I totally wish I would've gone to an endo at that point, but oh well. 

Currently, I am 265.  My hair is shoulder-length and not too long ago, I discovered some dark patches and a "ring" around my hair line in the back of my neck.  Because of my history with tanning beds, I thought it was Tinea Versicolor that never went away.  My PCP told me it was "age and weight". After some research online, I've discovered that it is a CLASSIC symptom of insulin resistance and saw a picture online of the EXACT type of thing I have around my neck.  When I eat cereal in the morning (even Kashi...the good stuff), a few hours later, I am in "shakes/jitters".  My PCP simply tells me to just eat "a handful of almonds with it".  OK..but what about TREATING the condition?  Yea, time for a new doc, I think.  

But, anyway...point being...I am terrified of developing any sort of disease as a result of weight.  I have two small kids that I want to have energy for..that I want to play with on the playground...that I want to be there for their school presentations, events, etc and not be EMBARRASED.  AND.....I want to be able to SHOP FOR ME ANYWHERE I WANT TO.  I WANT to be able to wear a swimming suit without covering up in a tshirt like an outcast.  Clothes shopping at this point is MISERABLE. 

MISERABLE!!!!!!!  When you are in a larger size, your options are VERY limited (more than you realize if you are small) and my time HAS COME to bust out of this rut....out of this cycle...and BE THE PERSON I REALLY AM!