Gain

Mar 06, 2010

Today is the first time since I had the surgery that I posted a weight gain.  It was only .60 lbs, but it still hits me hard.  I was very bad this week.  I am not sure what is going on with me.  I lived on Decaff Mochas with Protien, pistachios and Thin Mints.  No wonder I gained.  I mean not sure what is wrong with me in the sense that I completely fell off the wagon this last week.  I cannot blame Aunt Flo.

I am also feeling a LOT less patient with my kids, actually in general. I think maybe my depression is rearing its head, even though I have no reason.  It has been sunny, things have been going well.  I am skinnier than I have been in 10 yrs.  I guess it just proves that being thin has nothing to do with depression.

I did have a rough month in terms of my condition.  I had one day that I felt almost like I did when I was first diagnosed.  Maybe that is what is getting me down.  I just don't know and I seem, this last week, to have turned to my old friend food. I need to do something else.  No buts, I just need to find another outlet. 

Maybe I just need to have s*x.  It has been over 3 1/2 years now.  I guess maybe I thought thinner might equal relations with some one?  I don't know. Skinnier would equal a relationship with a man? I don't need a man to be happy, the last 3 1/2 years have proved that, but aarrggh, I DON't KNOW!!!! 

This blog has been a waste, sorry to you all who have read it, but I just needed to get some of it out of my head.  Maybe I can focus on myself and my kids again and stop the madness now!

Today a bit of coffee with milk for breakfast, cottage cheese and a handful of Goldfish.  Sigh. I can do this, I just seem to have lost my motivation.  What is my motivation? To rid myself of the symptoms of my condition. To not experience hearing and sight loss and not have head aches constantly.  Getting skinny is just a perk. No it is not a perk, it is a necessity. I have to get skinny to rid myself of the symtpoms.  I need to keep my eyes (no pun intended) on the prize.  If I do not lose the wieght and I could go blind!  I have to remember that.  I think I lost sight of that.  And I think after having symptoms so bad this month, i got depressed, like if all this hard work has not paid off then what is the point?  But the point is my health. I have to do this and do it all the way. 

I am worth this. I have to do this. My life is at stake here, there is not half way with this.  I just have to remember that.  Okay, I am feeling better.  Again sorry if you read this All the way through.  It really is just verbal vomit.  But I do feel better now and more motivated.

Thank you OH for having a place that I can get this out of my head and not feel judged by what has come out of it. 

Hugs,
Jeanne

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