Facing the Truth

Apr 30, 2009

   These smileys represent me talking to myself!  "Now you know you don't really need that (whatever food I'm tempted with)"  "BUT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!"  I am such a BRAT when it comes to teaching myself something I already know.  I mean, I know I shouldn't eat when I'm not hungry, but sometimes I need that comfort. 

Comfort is something I was never given as a child and now as an adult, I still seek a safe, warm place where nothing hurts.  My husband is not very attentive to me after all these years and frankly, I don't see any change on the horizon.  So then I cop this attitude of "Oh well, who cares anyway?" and I eat.

I have to admit I have improved somewhat in the last year.  When we eat out, I half the meal most of the time, but sometimes I even sabotage my good intentions by having dessert, but we share one serving, so I'm not eating the whole thing.  I could just eat and eat and eat.

I seems to me that having been treated for Graves disease, leaving me with an under-active thyroid somehow I lost the ability to feel full and so it tends to cause me to overeat because I can't tell I'm full unless I'm refluxing.  Plus having to take synthetic hormone replacement for thyroid, hasn't helped me enough to help me lose the weight I was told I would lose with the treatment.  I don't trust doctors anymore because of this.

The truth of the matter is this:  I am emotionally stressed.  It's an "inside" kind of stress.  Not like a work deadline, which would make sense.  It seems to be something that I have a really difficult time dealing with.  Anxiety is an inward emotion that often overwhelms me and so the escape it if but for a moment I eat.  Or I'll want to sleep so I don't feel anything.

I've been that way for a long, long time.  Even when I was a teenager, I would sleep until 12 or 1 in the afternoon because I just didn't want to face the situations I had to live with.  Well, hellooooooooooooooo!  Those days are gone. Daaaaaaaaaaaa!  But my husband is a constant reminder of those days.  No attention, no love, no affection.  It triggers something in me that I don't quite understand but am trying to.  You may wonder why did I marry him?  I wanted so much to believe he wouldn't be that way.  When we first dated, he wasn't like them at all and I fell in love with him because of his attentiveness and his gentleness.  He's still all those things, but something has changed him and me and it's as if we live in the same house, but in two different worlds.

Anyway, I just recently had lab work done for my thyroid.  I'm going to request the results from my doctor and if they are normal, I'm going to get a second opinion.  If they concur then I will have only one option: surgery to make m;y stomach smaller so that I CAN'T overeat anymore.

And that's the conclusion to this whole matter!    Now that I've embarrassed myself by telling the truth,it's time   to stop thinking about it and  get moving!

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