Catherine-Mo

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I have settled in to my new home.  I am enjoying Tulsa.  The boxes are empty and I am living.  Weight loss has slowed but that is OK.  It has been a huge adjustment and I am now getting back on track.  I now weigh 199.  That is absolutely amazing.  I have not weighed under 200 pounds since I was a teenager.  I have not been exercising but I am more active than in the past.  I had a rough time for a few weeks because I allowed Pumpkin Spice creamer into my diet for my coffee and it triggered horrible cravings.  I did not realize it was the problem at first and I became very depressed.  Addiction is so sneaky!!  I know for me I just can't do sugar.  It is not an option.  I tried finding a support group locally but they are very limited.  I woudl love to find one online but I don't know which sites are reputable.  I am living life and enjoying it.  God is amazing.  I am so blessed.  I just want to keep moving forward.  

It is amazing how God works things out.  I have a job here and am now living here in Oklahoma.  I still have tons of boxes to unpack but I have the week after Christmas off.  My weight has stayed the same- around 220.  I need to jump start myself so I continue to lose.  I have not had time to really exercise which doesn't help things.  Maybe my week off can help me to get back in the pattern of walking the dogs and exercising.  I don't want to stall at this weight.  I'm still far from goal.  I am 7 months out from surgery.  Amazing.  I feel so much better and have had little depression.  I am so grateful for how far I have come.  God is good!!!

Lots of changes.  We close on our house on 11/24 and that is coming fast.  My husband is working on getting the house ready in Oklahoma.  He was here in town this weekend which was nice but I already miss him.  We did weigh in and measurements and I was at 222 this morning.   I have not been writing down what I have been eating and I have not been exercising.  Too busy!!  I went on an interview in OK Friday but I don't think it will pay enough which is disappointing.   I have to trust God that he will guide me to the right job at the right time.  God is in control!! 

Things are moving fast in life but lots of bumps which makes it frustrating.  We found a house in Oklahoma we like and are trying to make a fully informed decision if we should move forward.  Trying to get information is challenging.  I don't really like our realtor but my husband wants to stay with him.  I truly only want to do God's will.  Our house here in MO has lost value since we bought it and I don't want to go through that in OK.  My husband does not seem overly concerned about that.     Our house here is not selling as of yet.  That isn't a bad thing but could be in a few weeks.  My hope is to move by the beginning of December.  I really like my job here but I can't transfer so I would have to find another job.  I'm nervous about that.  I love doing counseling in a Christian setting.    My relationship with my husband is good and the other guy is a non issue.  Amazing how things change.  Never crossed any boundaries which I praise God for.  Now I can't even bleeive I considered it.  I feel better about myself and view myself as attractive and don't seek as much approval as in the past.  Don't get me wrong I still like affirmations!!  Right now I have too much other stuff going on.  My eating overall has been OK.  I am noticiong a trend that a few days before my period I have cravings but then they go away.  I am staying away from sugar and white flour for the most part.  I learned from whan I had the lapband that eating them is a slippery slope for me.   I was doing great with conistently walking but now I have gotten out of the habit.  I know I need to do it but don't.  I blame it on lack of energy but I don't think that is the truth.  I just don't FEEL like it.  The problem is it creates lower energy and more depression when I don't exercise.  I have to do it because I'm worth it!!  Also, I pray while I walk so that limits my time with God which is a BIG deal.  I truly don't want to do anything out of God's will.  I haven't been reading the book on shame because after I get off work I am focusing on house stuff.  I don't have time to do everything.  My food issues have been over eating almonds which in the scope of life is not a big deal.   I am only 5 months out and don't want to stop losing.  I am at about 238 which is the lowest I got with the band.  For many years of my life I weighed between 220-230 so I am wondering if I will stall in that weight range.   I'm still obese even though I feel skinny!!  Life is an adventure.

I started reading a book on shame and realized how warped my thinking is.  I grew up with a father who was either abusive or ignoring me.  I never remember him saying I was pretty or special.  I internalized that I was not good enough.   It did not help having a mother who was a perfectionist.  Now I crave affirmations that I am acceptable.  Being over weight and judged because of it has just increased the shame in my life.    I am blessed with a husband that loves and accepts me just he way I am.  The problem is that I don't love and accept myself.  I am my own worst enemy.   Having layers upon layers of shame from trauma, abuse and neglect, how do you undo that or change it.  I know God loves and accepts me just he way I am.  How do I learn to accept myself and not reinforce the shame based upbringing I had?  I am not as hard on myself as I used to be but I sometimes make poor choices because I crave men's approval.  I have wonderful friends who value me.  Yet I still put myself in questionable situations longing for things I missed as a child.  I don't have any answers but I do pray God will reveal to me what His will is and what I can do to learn to love myself and accept myself as I am.  When I look at my 265 pound body I look in disgust.  Food was my way to survive craziness in childhood and now it has turned on me and caused greater distress in my life.  I am embarrassed by my weight and how I look.  I'm not sure how my husband views me as desirable but I know he does.    I know I have  pretty face, have a great personality, am good at my job, am smart, and get along with others well.   Yet because of my weight I just feel inferior.  How do I learn to accept myself?  I pray God shows me.         

Here I am just struggling.  Not with my food but my emotions.  I am so used to using food to cover up stuff and today that is not an option.  I am sad and grieving the loss of someone very special to me.  I created the situation and now I have to deal with the consequences of it.  I should not have gotten involved in the first place but his affirming comments and acceptance of my weight and still seeing me as desirable sucked me in.    He loves me and I love him but I am married.   We never did anything physically but emotionally we were very intimate.    He set the boundaries not me and I'm supposed to be the "healthier" person.  I have left God out of my life for a while because I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I am so grateful God's love never fails and he never runs out on me.  I love my husband but obviously need to work on that relationship.  This other guy gave me something my husband is not giving me.  Not sure exactly what that is but I am willing to explore the issue.  I can't just be his friend-it hurts too much but ending the relationship hurts too.  I will still see him around which makes things super hard.   I have to go through these feelings without food.  Oh God it hurts. 

This past Monday is the 8 week out date from my surgery.   My weight loss has been slow.  The dietician told me to reduce protein drinks and eat more dense protein.  I have not had any problems with any food.  I even ate chicken and it was fine.  I am so thankful.  I remember when I had the band I was sick often.  My emotions have leveled out some.  I am over being angry at my husband.  He loves me very much and will do anything for me.   He is walking with me now which is very helpful.  I walk the dogs for 1 1/2 miles almost every day.   I want to incorporate weights as well but haven't been consistent with it.    When I had surgery I weighed 303 and now I am down to 273.  That is 30 pounds in 2 months.  Not great but not terrible.  There are alot of changes going on in my life but they are for the good.  We have new administrators at work.  We are int he process of selling our home and relocating out of state which means looking for a new job and a new house.  Plus, I am dealing with the changes in my diet.   With not being able to overeat alot of emotions have popped up.  My emotions are settling down which is good.  I feel hopeful and more connected to God.  Mt depression is manageable.  Today is a good day!!

Well, it has been almost 3 weeks since my RNY surgery.  I have had no nausea which is a blessing.  I am healing up and able to move more freely without pain.  I have yet to be motivated enough to exercise but I will get there.  The biggest issue is my feelings.  I have had alot of anger come up toward my husband and feel unsupported.   His job is relocating us to another state and I am not happy about it.  I agreed prior to surgery while I wasn't truly connected to my feelings and now I feel overwhelmed by the idea of moving.  I enjoy my job here.  I have good friends and like my house.  I feel like this move is all about him and when I express my needs he is not willing to meet them.   I feel like 13 years ago when I met him I settled due to feeling like nobody else would love me due to my weight.  I feel guilty for saying that but it is the truth.   I have tried to express some of my concerns but nothing really changes so I get tot he place of what is the point.  Then I think about finding someone else.   I don't want to go that route until I know for sure there is no hope for my marriage.  I am far from that place.  Sometimes I feel like if I had an affair maybe that would be a wake up call to my spouse how serious this is but that is the wrong reason to cheat-if there is ever a reason.    Maybe losing weight is messing with my emotions and this will even out after a while.  I don't want to make any hasty decisions but I want to explore who I am and what I really want.  My whole life has been about losing weight and now that the focus is not food I have no idea of who I am and what I think.   What makes me happy is the million dollar question.  This journey is going to be interesting!! 

It has been a long road.  2 years trying to get gastric bypass surgery.  I finally got approved on Good Friday.  I have to do a 2 week liquid diet which is going better than I thought it would.  Monday is my surgery.  I got the band in 2007 and had it removed in 2014.  I lost and then gained back 100 pounds during that time.  I'm nervous about this new beginning but hopeful. 

Well, I am still struggling with my weight.  Now I am up to 321.  That passes the 317 mark I was when I first had lapband surgery.  My insurance covers gastric bypass but I am leaning away from having another surgery.  I continue to struggle with eating in moderation and binging.  Yes, with surgery I will lose weight but then will I regain it?  What then is the point of surgery?  I have been seeing an eating disorder therapist for almost 2 years and I am still struggling.  I have made progress with my perfectionism issue but no progress with actual weight loss.  She said it could take 3-5 years.   I sometimes just feel like there is something wrong with me that I am not getting it.  Maybe it is lack to taking responsibility.  I know it is up to me to make changes but I don't want to exercise 6 times a week.  Walking for 1/2 hour hurts and I hate it.  I don't know how to eat in moderation.  A cup of chili for a meal?  Maybe 4 cups!!  I have very distorted perspectives on portion size.  I know what is correct but it just feels like it is too little.  I know I need to eat less and exercise but doing it is the problem.  :  (