Catherine-Mo
8/1/15
Aug 01, 2015
I started reading a book on shame and realized how warped my thinking is. I grew up with a father who was either abusive or ignoring me. I never remember him saying I was pretty or special. I internalized that I was not good enough. It did not help having a mother who was a perfectionist. Now I crave affirmations that I am acceptable. Being over weight and judged because of it has just increased the shame in my life. I am blessed with a husband that loves and accepts me just he way I am. The problem is that I don't love and accept myself. I am my own worst enemy. Having layers upon layers of shame from trauma, abuse and neglect, how do you undo that or change it. I know God loves and accepts me just he way I am. How do I learn to accept myself and not reinforce the shame based upbringing I had? I am not as hard on myself as I used to be but I sometimes make poor choices because I crave men's approval. I have wonderful friends who value me. Yet I still put myself in questionable situations longing for things I missed as a child. I don't have any answers but I do pray God will reveal to me what His will is and what I can do to learn to love myself and accept myself as I am. When I look at my 265 pound body I look in disgust. Food was my way to survive craziness in childhood and now it has turned on me and caused greater distress in my life. I am embarrassed by my weight and how I look. I'm not sure how my husband views me as desirable but I know he does. I know I have pretty face, have a great personality, am good at my job, am smart, and get along with others well. Yet because of my weight I just feel inferior. How do I learn to accept myself? I pray God shows me.